Don't get me wrong, I like your style of writing. If you have anything that is a bit more tame, let me know and I'll give it a look.

When everyone mentioned how gross this script was how could I pass it up.

For shock value breast feeding has lost it's edge for me after seeing that very funny sketch from Little Brittian where the adult man gets breast fed from his mummy. They really milked that gag for all it's worth.

But I had to have a little giggle with glee when you take the gross factor to a whole new level where it's not enough to have a man strangled by his own intestine, you add the following detail "hands squeeze on slimey guts. A brown paste oozes out."

Ha ha, nice touch

A great script and if turned into a short I would love to be part of the crowd watching it if  played at a festival.  

Hey Glenn, thanks for the read, this seems to be my most popular script, I should do more incest stories..hehehe.

This is the most disturbing thing I have written, I felt like I needed to go to confession afterwards.

I should get my butt in gear and put out the "Milked" edition, I don't think I could make it any sicker, but I also don't think I would want to.

Anyways thanks for the read.

Hey. Yeah, that's pretty disturbing in that both the mother and son were as equally twisted. Nasty stuff, but brutally well written and extremely creepy.

Hey Wolfe, glad this one creeped you out.  The "Milked edition"  should be done by the end of the month, I'm trying to flesh out the characters a little more, and of course, add a little more milk .

thanks again for taking the time to read this.

**** SPOLIERS ****

Hey Jordan,

This version was even sicker than the first. More blood, more guts (so to speak), more sex and lots more milk. What you're created here is a creepy, atmospheric, glorious piece of entertainment. Having said that, this extended version does have some problems that didn't really bother me in the shorter one. The most prevelant of these problems being the three way relationship between Jeremy, his mother and Richard. My parents got divorced and my mother remarried, so the whole "step father bonding" thing is very familiar, and you did a good job of capturing that, the problem being maybe you went too far in making Richard a sympathetic character. When Jeremy decides to take care of him, it's a little hard to make that leap. A couple of things that might help would be to really show that things are changing between Jeremy and his mother. Jeremy talks about it, but aside from Jeremy peering on in Richard and mum getting down and dirty, you really don't show it. Maybe have a scene where Jeremy tries to feed from his mother, but she rejects him, or something along those lines.

Another thing I had a problem with are the additions of the subplot at school and the party. Actually, I liked those scenes a lot. Putting in those scenes gave Jeremy another dimension, we now understand why he needs his mother so much. The problem came with Jeremy's voice over after his humiliation, I think we should have seen some of these things. He says school was horrible, everyone was calling him names, show some of that. Not too much, just a scene or two to really drive home exactly how cut off he is from everyone.

Other than that, the only complaints are the usual spelling mistakes and grammer stuff that everyone has. There are a couple of moments where "to" should've been "too", but those are minor quibbles and I trust that you're intelligent enough to find em and correct their asses. Everyone has different opinions about extended versions of movies and what not, but for my money (not that I paid to read it) this is a much stronger script than the shorter version. It's creepier, more disgusting, the characters are more fleshed out and stronger, especially Jeremy. He's that weird kid at school that we've all come across in our lives, where you don't know what the hell his deal is, and you would really rather not find out. But somehow, you've managed to turn this strange, incestuous, loner kid into a likeable, sympathetic character who we can't help but.... well, like. That makes his struggles with his mother, with Becky and with Richard a lot more intense.

This was a very well-written script. Tightly-told and creeepy, creepy, creepy. A real treat for twist, sick, demented weirdos like me. Well done.  


Matt.

Hey Jordan,

I don't recall reading the first one, so I'm going into this fresh.

I think you've done a good job of protraying Jeremy as a creep.  Keeping to himself, and not really having any kind of social skills was a nice touch and added to his character.

On the whole, I enjoyed the story.  Felt a lot like Psycho 4 in regards to the "infatuation with mother" angle.  Not sure if you're familiar with it, but if you are you know what I mean.

One criticism is that I didn't like how things worked out when Mother found out.  Not so much when, but how.  I think it would have been a lot better if Jeremy had told her and taken pride in it rather than her just finding out randomly.

There's also a fair number of typos throughout.  Nothing major, just some s's where d's should be and stuff like that.

Anyway, nice work.

I actually read the first draft yesterday so good timing. Anywho...

The high school and party stuff. Helped flesh out the whole anti-social angle, I do think it started to drag on a bit. Maybe tighten it up a little.

I do like the bonding scene. I think it needs at least one line, maybe right before the goal, where Robert is slightly alarmed by Jeremy's "weirdness."

Lastly, the mother's turn is still a little weak. I think there needs a point where Jeremy's need for comfort is denied from the mother for Robert. Maybe before the party Jeremy doesn't want to go, is stressed, looks to Mom for comfort who slights him because she about to go out with Robert. This would help reinforce Jeremy's attempt to hook up with the chick and make it creepier that the mother is capable of a normal relationship and Jeremy isn't.

Aside from a couple of typo's, nice improvement on a creepy tale. Good show.

Thanks Matt, Mike and Souter Fell, glad you liked it.  

I tried to add on more to this than the first version, the original never left the house, I kinda wanted to see what Jeremy would be like in the outside world.  I also wanted to put in another scene with Richard because he really had nothing to say in the first version, he just gets killed, so I tired to make him a more important character

Quoted from Shelton I think it would have been a lot better if Jeremy had told her and taken pride in it rather than her just finding out randomly.

I think that is a really c0ol Idea and it would make it a lot creepier.  Thanks for that  

Anyways thanks you guys for the reads and comments

This is probably one of my favorite scripts on the site. I wasn't sure what this "Milked Edition" was all about at first but decided to check it out anyway. I read the original version a while back so it feels fresh reading it again. Still, I can definitely tell what's been added.

I liked Jeremy's interaction with the outside world. He wasn't a total loner. Obviously he has some social skills if someone's trying to get him laid. I thought it was creepier that way. It's a disturbing thought that people like Jeremy could seem like everyone else, even if they're a little off center. I didn't quite get what the deal with Alex was though. Is this guy actually Jeremy's friend. The "fuck you" at the end of their first conversation suggests otherwise. Either way, it's a weird way to end the scene. In any case, I'm a little confused as to how someone like Alex could be so pressed about turning this kid into a social butterfly. What's he get out of it? He doesn't seem like he's trying to humiliate him.

Speaking of humiliation, even though Jeremy's not exactly a sympathetic character, his scene with Becky was painful to read. I didn't know what to expect but I knew it was going to be bad. Once Jeremy couldn't get it up, I thought he might try to strangle Becky or something. This is probably the best addition to the script. There's a lot going on in this scene and not all of it's written down on paper. It's also really awkward and kinda creepy, which fits in perfectly with the rest of the script.

The scene with Richard is a good one as well. You do get the feeling that Richard is trying to be a good guy but the scene ends on a clear indicator that these two probably aren't going to get along.

Not too many mistakes here. I don't know what the point of the scene with Jeremy washing his hands is in the begining. I'm pretty sure you can lose that one. Also, on page 12, you've got a "limp sick" where you want a "limp dick" and on page 15, you've got a "changed" where you want a "changes." Those are the only typos that really stand out. It wouldn't hurt to skim over the script for more though.

Anyway, after reading both versions of the script, I'd say the "Milked Edition" is better. All the additions are justified and add a whole lot more to the story, I'd say. In any case, this script still remains the filthiest script I've read on the site, which I think deserves congrats.

Hey James, thanks for the read, glad you liked it more than the original, this was more of what I wanted to do for the challenge, just didn't have the time.

Quoted from James McClung Speaking of humiliation, even though Jeremy's not exactly a sympathetic character, his scene with Becky was painful to read. I didn't know what to expect but I knew it was going to be bad.

If you thought it was difficult to read, just think of how hard it was to write....HAHAHAHA.  That one page took me over a week to get through cause there was more going on in that scene that what is spoken, which is for me at least, the most difficult thing to do, that was also the case at the hockey game, those two scenes took a long time to do.

Quoted from James McClung This is probably one of my favorite scripts on the site.

Yeah, that's right, I'm puttin that up there cause I have no shame

Anyways thanks for read and comments.

Jordan,

While I'll commend you for being courageous in tackling a subject/genre in a truly unique way, I can't really seem to think of any reason why something like this is worth being produced...if that's your intent.  I treat reading a script as if I were watching a film, and I try to evaluate them on several criteria; 1) Was it entertaining? 2) Was I engrossed in the experience? 3) Was it well-crafted? 4) Does it have any redeeming value? 5) Does it have repeat value? 6) Would I recommend this to someone else?  In sticking with this.

1) No.  It was quite excruciating to read.
2) Unfortunately, my curiosity got the best of me.
3) This is debatable and is typically the largest area the people criticize when reviewing a script.  If I had to say, I think you have a solid story.  "Solid" meaning, there is an objective that the character is reaching for, and has to go through several obstacles to attain it.  That's the general ingredient in any story, and, at least evidenced by this script, you understand that...which, unfortunately, a lot of would-be screenwriters do not.  I did find, personally, that much of the dialogue of the teenagers in the party scenes was trite and uninspiring, and, if I was going to suggest a rewrite, I would tell you to focus the script more on the rivalry with Robert.  Up until then, Jeremy doesn't really have much going against him.  Other than that, it seems you know the mechanics of structure and language in writing a script.  There's no camera direction, no "we see's" or "we hear's," and the characters are DOING things rather than us being told how they feel.  So, in that sense, it's well-crafted, though, I'd recommend getting to the conflict quicker....at least the conflict that was "interesting."
4) No.  I didn't find anything honorable or decent in this script.  Whatever your intention was in exploring the Oedipus complex and whatever other Freudian gobbledygook you are interested in, it feels like all of that was traded in for shock value (i.e. Jeremy strangling Robert with his own intestines; Jeremy sucking on his mother's tit umpteen times).  I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to cross the line with a film and disturb and shock an audience, but, at least SAY something in your piece.  To me, it seemed completely gratuitous.  
5) No.
6) No.

Jordan, I hope you take everything I say with a grain of salt.  I realize these are only my opinions and you can dismiss them or accept them however you like.  I hope you know that when I read a script I try to be as objective as possible.  I don't have anything against the nature of the content that's in your script, but, overall, it feels like your script exists to do nothing more than shock and disturb, without any real statement or message underlying it all.  I don't necessarily agree that every script has to have a message in it.  There's plenty of room for mindless entertainment.  But, with the subject matter you're dealing with, I think you're obligated to deal with it with more sensitivity and restraint, and you failed to do that here.  

well now..content was interesting, style very good, subject matter was controversal, it may sell, certainly   your no coward and not  a sheep brovo!!now if you can move to another genre with this style we will be more prone to accept you as a writer now ifs a fetish but lets see somemore and differnet to move yu out of the fetich modeyou got our attention keep getting it and there are place that would gladly take this and expand it if you dont want to. dont sweat the typo's two thumbs up!!!

Hey ka3mapx and Jammer, thanks for the read and comments.  I know that this script isn't for everybody and could turn a lot of people off.  I wanted to cross the line with this, see how far I could go, believe it or not i did hold back a bit.......HAHAHAHHA.

anyways this could always use more work to make it better so your comments were helpful.  thanks again.

Hey Jordan,

The notorious SPOILED script! What can I say? I think the warning Don placed on this one speaks for itself.

It's been a year since I read the original version, so some of the details from that one are a bit blurry to me, but I felt as I was reading this updated version that it was a pretty big improvement.

The first few pages I found myself squirming in my seat. I swear I felt like I was reading the X-rated version of Psycho. The beginning here is very disturbing indeed. Not so much visually, but psychologically. You did a good job making my skin crawl. However, the part that is visually more gross and shocking, the intestine part, felt lame'ish. That probably sounds weird, but to me at least, it doesn't get anywhere near as sick as the stuff in the beginning. I have no suggestion how to fix this since those scenes have to play in the order thay are.

I think the scenes with the highschool and the party worked out really well. It lets us know and understand Jeremy a lot better.

In both these versions of the script, I felt that his mother too suddenly pushes him away for Robert. I find it hard to believe that after all those years of being so "close" to each other she wouldn't all of a sudden trade him for someone else.

I agree with some of the others here that you need to go over it again for all those typos. If I notice them, then you know there are quite a few. Didn't bother me hugely, but some.

Good job on the rewrite. You added just the right stuff to make this better, sicker, more disturbing.

Pia