Thanks for the read Pia, glad you liked the newer version, the intestines part is something I always wanted to put in a script, for some reason this felt like the right one, even though it as a different tone than the rest of the script.  I'm still thinking of a different climax, Mike had a g0od suggestion, might go with that.  Anyways thanks again for the read and comments.

I got word that a German filmmaker wants to make this, how creepy is that, I have actually received a few emails about this script but I don't think it would be possible or even legal to shoot this in the US, Canada maybe, but definitely not the US, so a European country would probably do it justice.  She said it would be in German with English subtitles.  Anyways I thought that was kinda cool, hope it turns out ok.

Good luck with that Jordan. I wouldn't mind seeing one of my scripts in another language and country. It'd be interesting to see something you wrote taking place in a completely different environment to the one you imagined it in.  

I think it's pretty c0ol, she'll probably have to make some changes cause of the different cultures and stuff like that, but that's co0l.  

Congrats Jordan!!

I'm not surprised this appealed to the Germans. IMO they like it a little on the bizarre side, as do some of the other northern Europeans.

I really would like to see what they do with it when it's finished. I do watch quite a bit of European films... I guess that makes me weird too!

Quoted from tomson Congrats Jordan!! I'm not surprised this appealed to the Germans. IMO they like it a little on the bizarre side, as do some of the other northern Europeans. I really would like to see what they do with it when it's finished. I do watch quite a bit of European films... I guess that makes me weird too!

HAHA, nah, you ain't weird, I think European filmmakers aren't afraid to go too far, they have a bit more courage.

Jordan - While I would rate your writing high, I cannot say the same about your story.  The characterization of your characters, especially the protagonist, is poor and the story-line is in many ways unoriginal.

I don't like giving criticism without solutions, so here are some tips:

Make your main character stand out for more of a reason than because he still drinks milk from his mother and on occasion fucks her.  Yes, that is shocking and disturbing and grabs people's attention, but what does it say about your character? Take this away and what is left? I have no idea because that's pretty much all you give us.  I don't care about a character who I don't know about.  This character could have lived, died, and I wouldn't have blinked, same thing for the stepfather (to be).  Then you have the mother.  Who is she? Why does she sleep with her son? You never address this.  Give her some kind of history, even if it's brief, and even if she is not your main character. Who is this woman? I have NO clue. You didn't tell me anything about her except she fucks her son. Okay, she's disturbed...and?  *crickets*

Add characterization and you elevate the quality of your script.

As for the aspects of the story that I found unoriginal...um, the whole high school loner/party/unpopularity stuff is just so boring...you can use it, but make it different somehow. Add a twist in there.  One question what did the following at to your story:

-Main character going to a party and NOT hooking up with a girl
-Main character being called a limp dick or whatever

Your character was already disturbed and already unpopular and it was already clear that he enjoyed and prefered to sleep with his mother. The purpose of that mentioned above is unclear.  If you wanted to add more sex or more shock value then that is a poor reason for adding this.

This story has a lot of potential, primarily because you are a good writer. You have the skills, which is ESSENTIAL, now just think a little more about your story and be more demanding of yourself. You can hack out more than just a story that people will like based on shock value. Even in a week. Demand more. You'll get it. I can tell.

Hi KelterDai, Thanks so much for reading my script, you have made some very valid points and I can understand for your not liking the script that much, I knew when I wrote it there would be a lot of people who would not care for it.  For me it was a shock script, I wanted not just to cross the line, but leap way over it, in fact, I was a little queasy when I wrote it,  thought I should have gone to confession after...hahaha.

I did want the mother and son to be empty and messed up, these are two sick people,I never really wanted to go into their past so much, just to show two disturbed people who do the most unthinkable act, I could never understand why anyone would wanna do this, but it happens a lot more than I wanna think about, and that is pretty sad and fucked up.  I did think about adding more depth to these two relationship, bit for me I liked this empty hole that they lived in, I didn't want these two to be sympathetic, more like pathetic, but your point is valid and does make sense.  The reason Jeremy doesn't hook up with the girl is cause only his mom gets him hard, and that' why he was called a limp dick.

Anyways, thanks again for taking the time in reading this and giving me some more to think about, that is always good and appreciated.  I may go back and try and make it better, at least the best I can do.

I got this link from Shelton.  Looks like they changed the name of the lead, I guess Jeremy isn't a common name in Germany, and there are a few typo's in the description, but English isn't her mother tongue, and who am I anyways to complain about typo's.  

http://www.indiemaverick.net/fdetail.asp?id=6E2399DE67FF4B7FA6D78A05870499D7

I tip my hat to you for making me gag while reading this. truly truly creepy.

I loved the dialogue between alex and jeremy. it all seemed real to me. However, to me the little confrontation with eddie seemed like it should've ended a little different. maybe just me.

Overall It was really well written and I had fun reading it, Nice.

-Andrew

Thanks for the read Andrew glad you're twisted enough to like this piece of depravity

This was actually filmed believe it or not, still trying to get a copy of it cuz I wanna see it, I thought this would have been unfilmable...lol.  Anyways thanks again for the read