SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 2:26pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Horror - October 06 One Week Challenge  ›  The Milk's Killer
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Milk's Killer  (currently 3616 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 8:36am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Milk's Killer by A Member - Short, Horror - In the ancient Egypt milk meant to the Egyptians youth and beauty, the cat was a god, but for a criminal mind milk and cats mean vengeance. 5 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
bert
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 10:23am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
Here is another entry by one or our foreign authors, I suspect.  But there are so many now, that doesn't really narrow it down much, does it?

While this one does have some nice images -- particularly the final one -- I am afraid this one leaves too many unanswered questions to satisfy the reader.  What happened to the guy...and what does insulin have to do with it...and why does he even feel his actions are justified in the first place?  And that is just a handful of the questions raised.

I also don't like getting my exposition from newpaper clippings that hang on the wall.  I often suspect that is a contrivance invented by scriptwriters that doesn't actually happen in real life.

This would have benefitted from more time and more pages, I suspect.  But I always respect it when one of our foreign friends manage to construct one of these in one weeks' time.  So good job for that.

It's not a bad story -- not at all -- it just isn't a complete story.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 19
Alex J. Cooper
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 11:03am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Australia
Posts
316
Posts Per Day
0.05
I thought this story had a great concept but was executed a bit wrong. The milk man having cats was genius, made sense. Unfortunately the whole beheading bit didnt.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
Logged Offline
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 2 - 19
RobertSpence
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Melbourne, Australia
Posts
226
Posts Per Day
0.04
Definately english as a second language, but all power to you, i cant fluently speak a second language.
I liked the idea and the concept of the cat but it was just a bit outrageous at times. And all of the thirsty cats. Painted a good image, like
TheBoyCouldFly suggested.
                                         I enjoyed though, and love far fetched stories.
                                         Make me laugh. Good Job man.


Produced Films
https://vimeo.com/user144725476

Scripts

Mate-ing

Short Comedy 11 pages

https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Mate-ingPilotdraft.pdf/


The Break-Up Chronicles


Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

[url]https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/TheBreak-UpChroniclesbyRo
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 19
Steve-Dave
Posted: October 22nd, 2006, 10:19am Report to Moderator
New



Location
A galaxy far, far away...
Posts
320
Posts Per Day
0.05
This was good, but I thought it was too much to the point. You might have well of just said, disgruntled milker decapitates people, and I would've had the same feeling that I had after reading the four pages. It was cool, but nothing really special about it.

I did however like the cats playing with the head I must say though.

And what did insulin have to do with anything?


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 19
Higgonaitor
Posted: October 22nd, 2006, 10:28am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
934
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hey, you have milk and you have horror, so good job there.  I'm going to agree with bert on the fact that you have way too many unanswered questions.  Sometimes, it's easier to get rid of the questions rather than answer them, allowing yourself to have more time to answer the more important relevant questions in good detail.

That having been said, I recxommend you get rid of the insulin part, and offer more information for the deranged milkmans backstory, what the accident was, why he decapitates woman, and so on.  Newspaper articles are somewhat unfulfilling.

-Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 5 - 19
Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 2:06am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
****SPOILERS****

This is a little like “Silence of the Lambs” meets “Jack the Ripper.”

Technical:

At first, when I read the costumers (as opposed to customers) on the counter, I thought you were talking about people in costumes because of Halloween.

I know it’s 1945. They’re listening to the radio and there’s a boy crying out, “Extra, Extra…” But the waitress behaves more like a Old English wench or something. I didn’t get a feel for her in that period. Maybe you could have thrown in a few other visual cues such as clothing or setting descriptions of the era. Maybe some pinstriped suits and fedoras or women wearing dresses just below the knees and fitted at the hips. Maybe some swing music comes on the radio after the announcement.

POVs just make me stop and think, “Hey, I’m reading a script.” It’s better to minimize that type of stuff as much as possible because it takes away the reader’s ability to suspend disbelief.

P3 - trough - should be through

Story:

Let me get this straight; the milkman sued the milk company for health damages? Lost? So now he beheads innocent women who had nothing to do with it? I don’t get his motivation at all. His motive never in any way ties in to his actions. How does he connect these women to what happened to him? This is a major character flaw.

There are good things:

The format is pretty good. Just needs some proof readings and minor corrections that might have occurred were it not for the time constraint.

The story is fairly well told. It flows well. The plot problems don’t really support the storytelling but, given a solid plot, this writer is certainly capable of telling a good story.


Brea



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 19
DJ
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00
Ditto, ditto, ditto to everyone's comments so far.  If he's going to be cutting off women's heads, maybe they should have been people who served on the jury during the court case with the milk company.  Something, anything to tie their murders into the backstory.  Otherwise, if they're going to be random killings, what do we need that particular backstory for?

I think the cats are very visual and provide a lot of atmosphere.  Agreed that the newspaper cloppings (um, clippings) do nothing to stimulate our visceral senses.

I doubt I could write anything coherent in a foreign language, so I admire your efforts here.  However, I experienced a lot of confusion and inappropriate giggling due to incorrect word usage.  One example: "killer of milk" or milk's killer.  He's not killing milk, it's just his signature at the murder site.  

Nice idea, just really needs to be fleshed out and be more cohesive.


Writing is the way I keep the voices in my head from taking over

Ghost story: Shimmer (http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1118949223/s-0/#num14)
Family comedy: Stopping Bot
Action/fantasy: The Black Temple (http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-action/m-1159731371/)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 19
MonetteBooks
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



What I see is a deformed man, rejected by women, and driven to revenge.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 19
Heretic
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
Well there wasn't too much to this one, really, was there?  No motive, no plot, no character development other than the backstory.  Just because it's a short doesn't mean blah blah blah.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 19
tomson
Posted: October 27th, 2006, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



This story was written by a foreigner for sure. I hope you take everyone’s advice here, it’ll help you a lot.

I’m not going to point out all the grammar and spelling errors, there are too many and I’m not a grammar queen anyway.  

I had to look up salient, haha, I thought it had to do with salt or something. Maybe use a different word, something that won’t stick out as uncommon since the rest of the script doesn’t use words like that.

I have to say that I was a little turned off by the conversation between the “costumers” and Shirley. This is back in -45 and men talk to her like that? Must have been a REALLY seedy place for me to believe that.

You can’t splatter newspapers. Splatter is more like something wet sprayed around.

Why are there so many cats in these scripts? I have a cat, he’s never been given milk. I don’t get why everyone associates milk with kittens.

It was kind of funny with the head rolling out and the cats playing with it, but why does he need insulin. Well, I assume he’s a diabetic, but what I mean is, what does it have to do with the story?

Is Shirley a prostitute? If so, does that have anything to do with why she’s picked by the killer?

I applaud you for participating in this OWE. I’m sure that if you listen to everyone’s advice your next one will be better and then the next one after that better still.

Good effort though.

Pia
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 19
Helio
Posted: October 28th, 2006, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

Posts
1284
Posts Per Day
0.19
Okay, dudes, thanks a lot for taken your precious time readiding my insanities. I'll send the bill!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 19
michel
Posted: October 30th, 2006, 9:52am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
France
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.18
Helio mon ami.

As usual, you get my vote. Well, your script is not perfect this time (mine's not too) but who cares? I did like it. But I'm afraid you should have concentrate yourself on one script instead throwing 3 of them. I will read the two other later.

Too bad I know you wrote it but I think I'd guessed.

My cats say hello to yours

Michel


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 19
Helio
Posted: October 30th, 2006, 9:56am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

Posts
1284
Posts Per Day
0.19
Thanks Michel! I know that one bad is better than three worse.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 19
George Willson
Posted: November 8th, 2006, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
3591
Posts Per Day
0.51
Hm. Ok. This would be another Helio special.

It has a little more depth than the other ones you gave us, but it still feels a little lacking in something. Shirley was apparently going to be next, so she needs quite a bit more development than she has. The killer has some screentime and most of it is for shock...Don, hehe. He has a little backstory which is ok, but he seems to need a lot more.

Mainly, we need to know why he is killing the women and keeping their heads. What is the purpose of that? It may have something to do with the milk deformity scandal, but that needs some more explanation as to how it relates to the women killed.

It's one of you better efforts, but still needs a lot of work. You had 15 pages to play with. You could have used a few more on this one to make it more complete.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 19
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror - October 06 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating

There have been 6 votes for this thread.
 
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006