Not the person I thought it was from but WOOOW!

Well done Robert. My favourite for sure... dialogue was exceptional. Keep it going!

Jamie

Very nice job Robert

Thanks to everybody who reviewed my script. I had written thisp with 3 days until the deadline and my friend Grant had a lot to do with this also. It was a fun script to write, and immensly enjoyed creating Teddy.

Where's ma mother fuckin shotgun!? Where is it!?...

Who did you think it was originally Jamie?

I thought this was written by a very talented writer and member here called Kotton. I was so sure it was him but was pleasantly surprised that it was you. He even let me know, after I'd asked him if it was him, that he was honoured that I thought this great piece was written by him, so that's definitely a good thing for you Robert.

Lol i'm honoured thank you. Wasn't quite sure how this script would hve been taken. Your script was really good. It reminded me soo much of Shaun of The Dead with its humour and was a good success.

i liked this one a lot mainly because of the Teddy character. that was a fun read. the story was good. typical kinda ghost story... but who cares with the great character.

I thought this was a pretty decent story. With only one character, you were able to give him some measure of depth.

The psychiatry thing was amusing (I could see recording his thoughts as a method one might use for someone to get to know themselves), but why did the wife show up? It seemed to be there to show he disliked her, but we already got that from the conversation with the psychiatrist.

I would be interested to know why the parents (I assume) are haunting this farm. Why do they want Teddy out? Is Teddy new there? I got the impression he'd been there for some time. If I understand correctly, Teddy bought this farm in his 40's? Seems awful late in one's life to go and buy a cattle farm. Is this was caused the estrangement from his wife? I'd be interested to know why he is such an angry, bitter, old man. As is, he begins this way but experiences no growth.

It's a pretty good story with a nice build and cool pay off in the end, but it leaves us with some unanswered questions that could be explored if this were expanded into a feature or at least a longer short. There's a lot of story here that could be explored.

I have already thanked you Kevan so now George. As it stands i may make it into a feature as i really enjoyed writing this. Thank you for all your comments and all of these questions will be answered soon enough..

Hey, I enjoyed your work. Eventhough its a horror,  I found some scenes pretty funny. I also found the protagonist funny as well. He curses way too much. This is not a negative but rather a postivie for me. I would enjoy knowing the child's backstory. And I think you should input some evil deeds that the mother can do since the readers only witness the father pulling the child back. Good job nevertheless.

Gabriel

Hi Robert,

I must admit I didn't like this one. I thought it was longer than it had to be, somewhat boring and for a horror flick it wasn't really scary.

!!!SPOILERS!!!

The plot in itself I actually liked a lot, it was a nice twist on the old haunted house routine and Poltergeist, but IMO you didn't manage to take it to the next level. I think it would have help the story if we had learned more about the boy and his parents, in particular why the boy was killed (it couldn't just have been over spilled milk - that would just be silly) It doesn't really work for me the way it reads now because - even though there's certainly plenty of mystique surrounding the boy and his family - it comes across as forced and rushed (I understand that this was written for the OWC so I can forgive that it felt a little rushed).

Teddy - basically the only character in the story - I think you nailed him really well. He might sound very two-dimensional, but that's okay because that is what he is. You painted him as a recluse (maybe even a little retarded), and that helped in moving the story along. But for the life of me I just couldn't picture Teddy ever being married and he certainly did not come across like a guy who would go to see a shrink - at least not voluntarily.

I understand that you used his dialog to portray and characterize him (and you totally succeeded with that), but after a point I felt the dialog became very annoying because it was so repetitive, I know that you were striving for that with regards to his character, but I feel it would have worked better had you mixed it up a bit (without him breaking character). As for the dialog in general I thought it was alright though forgettable.

I think your writing skills need some improvement. I felt that some of your description were a bit long and could use a little trimming. Don't over-use the words "is" and "are". Instead of witing "The boy is sitting on the hay", just write "The boy sits on the hay". Be careful of not telling us something that is not shown on the screen but on the other hand don't repeat yourself. Example:

Page 2: He sits down a bucket and a bottle of milk. A routine he is used to doing.
He is? How do you plan to show that?

Page 6: Now realizing the boy may be in distress and possibly scared he makes an attempt to make him feel welcome.
You don't have to tell us that, Teddy does that just fine a moment later.

This line cracked my up though:

Page 8: It is again pitch black. Nowhere can be seen except the barn, which is amplified by the harsh spotlight of the moon.
So it's not really THAT pitch black, right?

Your format is pretty good, I've nothing really to add here except to say that you shouldn't use parenthecals to describe actions.

That's it for me, hope you got something useful out of this review.

Cheers
Rob

Rob,
       Thanks for the review. I hadn't looked over this in a while so it is good to bring it back to the boards. Ok, ok you didn't like, you can't please everyone and i respect you have came out and told me your honest opinion, which is what we as writers strive for.

This was a collabrative effort, and i originally had the idea of a family who are being haunted in this old house but my friend brought that to a nee level, and so we came up with Teddy. And no, he wasn't killed over spilled milk. The young boy inhabited the farm before, and his parents were sick people, and the boy so happened to like milk (symbolic of purity and innocence)  and because it was a short i didn't think i would need to go into a tremendous amount of detail in order to describe their backstories.

Teddy is an interesting character in his simplicity. I feel he is the most interesting thing about the script, so interesting i would possibly write him again in a different context but will have to tone down the profanity a little i think haha. Yes i did feel his dialogue was repetative but that is the kind of character Teddy is.

Well, yes it does seem he wouldn't have got married but why is he not married now?

My screenplay writing has improved since then, as this was a whole six months ago that i had written this. But i will say i tend to say more about what you are seeing on the screen, and this is a habit i need to get out of.

Thank you for your review Rob, and it has been much appreciated.

Robert

And thank you Ripley also for your review I hadn't checked this one in a while so i must have forgot to thank you.

This is a script that goes a bit to long for the content it contains.

Some scenes could have been cut out to tighten up the story.  I understand you wanted to show the lonely bitter life Teddy is living on his farm, but just stuff like show every detail of cook breakfast for example is over doing it it bit.

But other then that it is well written.

      

Yeah I agree.

Cool writing, weird, cool story, good character, but you could have cut it down heaps and still had the same effect.

I thought Teddy's lines were very repetitive. Same lines again and again and again.

Overall fun to read. Just wanted to post and say that. Well done.