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This one took awhile to get rolling, if only Gerald had jumped in the shower with Adrianne...
Haha that's what I was thinking at that point too.
I don't know, this was pretty fun. I did think it felt a little robotic, as Zavier mentioned, and not just in description. It sorta seemed like you took some of the fun out of the story by knowing exactly where it was going, and just going through the steps to get there. The dialogue wasn't particularly interesting and neither were the characters.
The climax/denouement were what they should have been but at the same time I felt cheated. I would have liked to see them run around a little or something. Also, the milkman should've served the milk in a new town, as I think Bert mentioned.
Alot of these slasher/horror scripts just feel so tired and familiar that they hardly elicit much of a reaction in me. It was a workable concept but there is no apparent motive for the killings/evil doings.
I did set up a motive, but i spose it was a bit to subtle. The motive was Ben didn't pay his bill, i squeezed it into the morning discussion between Adrianne and Gerald.
Quoted from bert
What you do is you call an ambulance! But keeping Ben alive was a nice detail – I’ll give you that -- but it was at this point that you lost me somewhat.
I should've given this more of a think over, maybe be Ben should've said "ill mee!" instead of "Elp eee!" But i meant Adrianne to put him out of his misery.
Anyway thanks for reading and i'm glad a majority of you enjoyed it.
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Sorry I'm so slow reading your script, but I didn't recognize the name Alex Cooper. I like the name Alex, wish you would change to that instead of Ape.
This was pretty good! You had milk and horror and the writing was good too, so big congrats!
My only complaint here would be Adrianne clubbing old Mr. Wilkes. Yeah sure, he didn't have a charming personality, but did he really deserve to die? Also why would she kill him? Obviously he was a victim here. He's missing the body parts found in the milk bottles, he can't be the guilty as well. Just a thought.
So Gerald starts to ask what is happening and in the end, we still don't know. The script had an intriguing concept of body parts floating around in the milk supply. It is made all the more intriguing with who is doing the killing.
But why? Why is this going on? We find out whose body parts are floating (Ned/Ben BTW? Pick a name), but we never know what he did wrong. Surely this isn't over the bill.
Also, the wife was able to kill off Ben far too easily. There was no remorse or anything. And also no reason. Sure, he is in bad shape, but he was still alive. He actually could have recovered based on what you had described. There was no reason to kill him, and human instinct is to cure, not harm.
A lot of the why's need to be filled out because while it is gruesome, it also feels incomplete. I do give you propr for the "Ew" factor, since body parts in milk will make you do a double take the next time you open a jug.
Sorry, but it seems I'm the only one who sees the out-and-out humor in your story. It doesn't quite work as pure horror, but the camp horror thing is in full bloom.
Yes indeed, the lack of a motive by the crazy milk man is evident. No point beating a dead horse with a golf clubl, right?
You write: The haunting trees above plague the vans bonnet with eerie shadows.
You set it up the creepiness, when I think it should be played as tranquil. Ordinary. Just another day." I like the idea of this kind of horror not being foreshadowed.
All right, I too thought that Gerald was joining Adrianne in the shower. The reason is that you don't designate the rooms in which your characters occupy - Bathroom, kitchen, so all the scenes seemingly take place in the same room.
I'm having a bit of trouble believing Adrianne and Gerald can hold a conversation in two parts of the house, with her in the shower.
I didn't care much for the way you foreshadow poor Ben Wilke's fate. Gerald looks out the window and sees the milk van drive by and then comments to his wife about no milk delivery to Ben's place. And the convesation about Ben not paying his bill only adds to the dislike.
That really seems forced. Too much exposition.
Your story aroused my interest when Gerald eats his cereal.
I got to thinking what if Gerald didn't notice the eyeball in his cereal bowl. He takes a mouthful and then screams. We think he just bit into the eyeball, but instead pulls the "prize" out of his mouth.
The reason I saw this as hilarious is because when the neighbors get together and compare body parts found in their bottles of milk, I was thinking how crazy it would be for them to assemble the pieces. You know, to Identify the victim.
Pretty hokie, I know. But I didn't hear anybody say, Call 911.
Moving along, yeah I just couldn't figure out why Adrianne had to club poor, mutilated Ben to death. This would work better if this took place in a dark room. Perhaps the electricity is out. She might bump into Ben's hung body, and maybe he utters a sound. She freaks and whacks Ben's hung body as if it were a pinata. That I could see happening. That is a moment of panic and overreaction.
Bert among others asked why the crazy milk guy is still delivering on that street. The milk guy is the killer, correct? I don't understand why is he still in Ben's house??
Wouldn't he have cut up Ben and then moved on? He had to have cut up Ben previously and then inserted the parts into the milk. He then made his deliveries. Why go back to Ben's house??
Okay, there are questions and inconsistencies, but I gotta tell you that I appreciated the morbid humor even if it was unintended. I guess that says how twisted I am.