Tainted Milk by A Member - Short, Horror - When an eye is found in the morning milk bottle Gerald begins ask what is happening. 11 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - doc, format

Wow. There is some excellent description here.

Now, this was a nasty script! The idea of finding a body part in your milk is just...ugh. And the gore was great too.

I liked the suspense early on with the bowl of cereal. Good stuff. But I didn't like the end...A killer milk man. Whoopie doo. I think the description was as sharp as a nail though. Good job.


  

Alot of these slasher/horror scripts just feel so tired and familiar that they hardly elicit much of a reaction in me.  It was a workable concept but there is no apparent motive for the killings/evil doings.  We just have a madman, in this case a milkman, on the loose doing terrible things.  

I've made similar mistakes myself with my writing so I don't want to come across as condesending.  I'd just like to see you delve a little deeper beneath the surface.

This was a good one. I liked the flow of the story, the way it unfolds seemed to work pretty well. It's not a ridiculous jump from finding the eye to ending up in Ben's house. The descriptions were good but there was a definate lack of character development, however this is not a complaint or an insult, because it's so short and it is a horror script, both of which seem to imply a certain lack of character understanding.

Nothing more to say really. A thumbs up from me. Lucky we don't find a lot of milkmen down here in Australia. I will never trust another milkman.


Cheers, Chism.

This one was pretty good. The writing is solid, the concept is good, but you could probably have used more time to develop the story. The ending was a bit of a let-down and felt rushed. It was plenty gruesome but I thought Adrianna's actions were a bit unbelievable. She seems all too happy to club a guy to death with a golf club.

I did enjoy it though, but I think it could benefit from being longer, with more time devoted to the killer's motives.

Excellent logline, but I hate how the title page is shouting at me haha.  And the word bonnet lets us know immediately that this one is coming from somewhere across the pond.

This one proceeds quite well from the opening scene -- I remained curious to know what was happening -- and was hoping for a satisfactory payoff.  We do get a good one, but it wasn’t perfect.

What the hell is wrong with Adrianne??  What you do is you call an ambulance!  But keeping Ben alive was a nice detail – I’ll give you that -- but it was at this point that you lost me somewhat.

And I think you’ve got a flaw in your final scene, as our friendly milkman is still working Abraham street.  Seems to me that he might have moved on, you know?

Anyways, a nice story that builds well from its initial conceit.  I liked it.  

This was a grizzly little short.  I liked the idea of finding body parts in your milk, that was creepy.

I didn't know why Adrianne did what she did.  That really made no sense to me, I had to go back and re read it cause I was like "what the heck?"

Anyways this one wasn't bad, had some good chills and it stuck with the theme quite well.

One more thing, do Milkmen still exist. I have never, in my life, ever seen one, or known one or anything.  Are they more from like the olden days or something, or maybe we just don't have them in Canada.

Oh great...Another killer milkman script. Haha, how many are there again?

Anyways, I was thinking exactly was mgj was saying. There are a lot of slasher scripts for this OWC that I sort of jsut "shrugged" when it came to finding the body with severed arms and legs. I mean, yeah it's nasty, but it was just sort of old.

But I give you props on having excellent description, and your characters' dialogue was good too. But why did they kill Ben? Shouldn't they have tried to help him? Or did they think he was a zombie?

Good job.

Sean

Hey.

Sometimes I feel I've got to, bum bum, chug away, I've got to, bum bum, chug away from the milk the milkman brings to me....

Sorry, but thats what your title made me think of.

Anyway, good job, this was definetely creepy and definetely involved milk which definetely meets the criteria for the challenge, so good job.

You do have quite a few typos though, so watch out.  Other than that, this was pretty good, I enjoyed it.  My only other recommendation is a better eding, maybe the milkman comes and kills the couple, I dunno.

Oh, and if you ever need a catchphrase: "don't forget to tip the milkman."

-Tyler

This one I thought was pretty well done. I liked the flow and feeling off the story. Every once and a while there'd be a line of dialogue I thought sounded a little unnatural.

Adrianne killing Ben I thought was a little extreme. And I would've liked more of a follow up on what happened to Gerald, Adrianne and the milkman. But all and all I liked it.

Well I wasn't too keen on milk anyways but after reading these horror scripts... I doubt I'll ever have milk again!

This one probably had one of the better concepts for a horror/milk short. The descriptions were great in some places but a little tedious in some parts. I was never bored of what I was reading but the dialogue didn't really reach to me and, you know, entertain me. Saying that, it's just another morning between a couple at the beginning. Maybe there could've been a bit more but it'd probably take some of the attention away from what later would happen.

The whole story was great, near the end it was a lot more disturbing but at least this one made great use of milk and horror without using humour. The only thing I didn't really like was that there was no reason shown why this mad milkman was doing what he was doing. As mgj said there was "no apparent motive for the killings/evil doings".

Still, entertaining and a good one week script.

Jamie

This one took awhile to get rolling, if only Gerald had jumped in the shower with Adrianne...

Anyway, it felt robotic and dull in some places (mainly the descriptions). Dialogue was alright, it felt real, how people normally talk.  

The lack of a motive for the murders kind of left me feeling robbed.

It was a horror story, but we just don’t know why.

-Zavier

Good story here. Well described but Adrianne reaction when she saw the eye was so flat for me after that the script flew very well until the end. Oh I laughed with Ben's line: Elp...ee!

I knew someone would put body parts in the milk, and sure enough, here they are.

One place, Adrianne comes in wrapped in a (the word is left out). I didn't get her at all, and she detracted from the story.

Otherwise, it's good; keeps you interested. Don't see how he could be alive after all that hacking, though.

Overall i would say it was a pretty well done script. I will agree with these guys and say that the milk man has nomotive whatsoever. He is just a murderer and we are not told why, or see anything take place. The characters just find what the milk man has left behind, such as body parts in the milk and a tortured Ben, - which i also thought was weird that Addriane killed him-. Maybe she killed him to put him out his misery?

SPOILERS

A couple of pages in you say the milk man but then the Milk man.

"the kitchen with a wrapped around her." Doesn't make sense.

Elp ee. Lmao i know it sounds trivial but because he has no tongue he wouldn't be able to pronounce his L's so it should be more like, Eop ee. Was funny non the less.

Was one of the better scripts i've read, so well done with that one.

                                                           Robert

And the M sound is made with your lips, so he could still say me, unless he didnt have lips.

Quoted from Nixon This one took awhile to get rolling, if only Gerald had jumped in the shower with Adrianne...

Haha that's what I was thinking at that point too.

I don't know, this was pretty fun.  I did think it felt a little robotic, as Zavier mentioned, and not just in description.  It sorta seemed like you took some of the fun out of the story by knowing exactly where it was going, and just going through the steps to get there.  The dialogue wasn't particularly interesting and neither were the characters.

The climax/denouement were what they should have been but at the same time I felt cheated.  I would have liked to see them run around a little or something.  Also, the milkman should've served the milk in a new town, as I think Bert mentioned.

Still, good fun.

Quoted from mgj Alot of these slasher/horror scripts just feel so tired and familiar that they hardly elicit much of a reaction in me.  It was a workable concept but there is no apparent motive for the killings/evil doings.

I did set up a motive, but i spose it was a bit to subtle. The motive was Ben didn't pay his bill, i squeezed it into the morning discussion between Adrianne and Gerald.

Quoted from bert What you do is you call an ambulance!  But keeping Ben alive was a nice detail – I’ll give you that -- but it was at this point that you lost me somewhat.

I should've given this more of a think over, maybe be Ben should've said "ill mee!" instead of "Elp eee!" But i meant Adrianne to put him out of his misery.

Anyway thanks for reading and i'm glad a majority of you enjoyed it.

Hey Alex,

Sorry I'm so slow reading your script, but I didn't recognize the name Alex Cooper. I like the name Alex, wish you would change to that instead of Ape.

This was pretty good! You had milk and horror and the writing was good too, so big congrats!

My only complaint here would be Adrianne clubbing old Mr. Wilkes. Yeah sure, he didn't have a charming personality, but did he really deserve to die? Also why would she kill him? Obviously he was a victim here. He's missing the body parts found in the milk bottles, he can't be the guilty as well. Just a thought.

Nice Job!

Pia  

So Gerald starts to ask what is happening and in the end, we still don't know. The script had an intriguing concept of body parts floating around in the milk supply. It is made all the more intriguing with who is doing the killing.

But why? Why is this going on? We find out whose body parts are floating (Ned/Ben BTW? Pick a name), but we never know what he did wrong. Surely this isn't over the bill.

Also, the wife was able to kill off Ben far too easily. There was no remorse or anything. And also no reason. Sure, he is in bad shape, but he was still alive. He actually could have recovered based on what you had described. There was no reason to kill him, and human instinct is to cure, not harm.

A lot of the why's need to be filled out because while it is gruesome, it also feels incomplete. I do give you propr for the "Ew" factor, since body parts in milk will make you do a double take the next time you open a jug.

I certainly should've given this more thought (the plots like a fish net) and not concertrated so much on the Ew factor.

Alex,

Sorry, but it seems I'm the only one who sees the out-and-out humor in your story.
It doesn't quite work as pure horror, but the camp horror thing is in full bloom.

Yes indeed, the lack of a motive by the crazy milk man is evident.  No point beating a dead horse with a golf clubl, right?

You write: The haunting trees above plague the vans bonnet with eerie shadows.

You set it up the creepiness,  when I think it should be played as tranquil. Ordinary.  Just another day."  I like the idea of this kind of horror not being foreshadowed.

All right, I too thought that Gerald was joining Adrianne in the shower.
The reason is that you don't designate the rooms in which your characters occupy - Bathroom, kitchen, so all the scenes seemingly take place in the same room.

I'm having a bit of trouble believing Adrianne and Gerald can hold a conversation in two parts of the house, with her in the shower.

I didn't care much for the way you foreshadow poor Ben Wilke's fate.  Gerald looks out the window and sees the milk van drive by and then comments to his wife about no milk delivery to Ben's place.  And the convesation about Ben not paying his bill only adds to the dislike.

That really seems forced.  Too much exposition.

Your story aroused my interest when Gerald eats his cereal.

I got to thinking what if Gerald didn't notice the eyeball in his cereal bowl.  He takes a mouthful and then screams.  We think he just bit into the eyeball, but instead pulls the "prize" out of his mouth.

The reason I saw this as hilarious is because when the neighbors get together and compare body parts found in their bottles of milk, I was thinking how crazy it would be for them to assemble the pieces.
You know, to Identify the victim.

Pretty hokie, I know. But I didn't hear anybody say, Call 911.

Moving along, yeah I just couldn't figure out why Adrianne had to club poor, mutilated Ben to death.
This would work better if this took place in a dark room.  Perhaps the electricity is out.
She might bump into Ben's hung body, and maybe he utters a sound. She freaks and whacks Ben's hung body as if it were a pinata.  That I could see happening.  That is a moment of panic and overreaction.

Bert among others asked why the crazy milk guy is still delivering on that street.
The milk guy is the killer, correct?  I don't understand why is he still in Ben's house??

Wouldn't he have cut up Ben and then moved on?
He had to have cut up Ben previously and then inserted the parts into the milk. He then made his deliveries.  Why go back to Ben's house??

Okay, there are questions and inconsistencies, but I gotta tell you that I appreciated the morbid humor even if it was unintended.  I guess that says how twisted I am.