Tainted Lactose (was Killer Lactose) by Julio Weigend (meatforthebeast) - Short, Horror - Milk turns people into homicidal maniacs after being tainted by a foursome of mysterious cloaked figures. 14 pages    A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format

This is another one with a school gone mad with tainted milk.

By page 5 I was pretty sure who wrote this, at least I think I'm pretty sure, heck I ain't ever sure about anything anymore.

This was was a pretty cool gorefest which was neat.

I didn't get the first scene, I think the story could have worked with out it, it just seemed out of place with the rest of the script.

This one read fast and had a crazy climax, and the last shot was great.

Good job

*Eggs and milk?  Do people still do that combination?  That's disgusting!
*Their mother just gave a lecture on not using bad language in the house, then Dan says damn, and nothing from their mother...
*Random Casey on page 6.  I'm guessing that was his original name.

I agree that the first scene wasn't needed, although if you decide to expand on this in the future(since there's a short limit in these challenges) I recommend building off of it, because it's a gnarley voodoo ritual type of thing.  Very eerie.  

What I liked best about this piece is that there's alot of characters for such a short amount of pages, yet I knew who was who and didn't get lost at all, which is a sign of excellent pacing/story telling.  The gore was pretty cool too, some of it even funny in the way you described it, such as Will stabbing Brad in the neck.  I don't know, it was just humorous the way you wrote it(or I'm really sick).  

Overall a fun read.  Enjoyed it very much!

A very nice read.  I breezed through it, but still understood it all.  That was definately a great ending and very surprising, though I didn't see a way out of dying for the kids as the entire place was insane.

I especially enjoyed the bashing of all the "Emo" stuff even though it wasn't really necesary to the story it made me laugh.

Great job and probably my favorate as of yet.

Hey.

I really enjoyed this.  Theres nothing really all that clever, or original or anything, because its pretty much 28 days later with milk and voodoo, but there doesn't really need to be, the point of "entertainment" which is what script are, is to entertain, and you did that just fine.

And I think you should keep the voodoo scene at the beginning, becaus ethey come back again at the end and it offers an explenation for why the milk causes this hysteria.  If you plan on making this longer, I recommend you tie one of the cloaked figures in with Dan, a family member, his mom or something.  Obviously have him live longer, and I think you could have an entertaining zombie-esque script.

Kudos.

-Tyler

Quoted from Higgonaitor it's pretty much 28 days later with milk and voodoo

What I was thinking when I read the logline.

I don't get why everyone is saying why they didn't understand the first scene. I understood it, because that is how the entire thing started. But you could have explain the cloaked figures some more. Who—or what—were they?

What happened to their Mom at the beginning? Did Will kill her? Or did she turn into a maniac too? Though, I'm thinking Will did kill her due to his dialogue making him sound sort of nervous...

Nice job.

Sean

Quoted from greg *Eggs and milk?  Do people still do that combination?  That's disgusting!

I do. It's yummy stuff.

This one was okay. I too think that the first scene isn't needed. And since when is Will short for Theodore?

I liked the characters interactions between eachother, and a lot of the dialogue, but didn't feel any emotional attachment really to any of them, we don't really get to know them. It seemed like things were just kinda pushed together.

I assume that will is a middle name or something.

Also, the two titles with "lactose" in them are about schools. . . Coincidence...Or could there be some sinister dairy force behind it....

This one is a version of the other I had read when the winged monsters atack the city...I don't know but could be the same writer. I didn't get about  the sink scene before Will and Dan get out of home. I didn't buy also when Dan realized that was Milk the responsable for that insanities. It was very easy! But like the other script was very well written.

good job!

I saw the mysterious figures as the root horror here, and more should have been done with them.

Smash to black. Ha, never seen that before... but it's good, I like it. Is it an actual term you can use like that? Anyway...

Good story... maniacs... reminded me a little of 28 Days Later and I have my suspicions on who wrote this. I'm gonna do a bit of detective work around the boards because a couple of references to hating emo music and, of course, reminding me of 28 Days Later makes me ponder on someone specific... hmmm.

Good, entertaining script, well written, pretty fast paced stuff, even though it might be a little too fast (a lot was crammed in to 14 pages) and the ending is pretty cool.

Nice one.

Jamie

So here I am, the writer of this script. It was my first submission ever on this site and I'm mighty proud of how it turned out because I think it was decent if I say so myself.


-I know the first scene seemed  pasted into the screenplay, but I had to take most of that subplot out to reach the 15 pgs limit. Still, I think it was still necessary because it explained how the whole thing started, as Zombei Sean said.

-Greg: I can see the gore being a bit funny in the description. I was just a little too excited while writing it. And yes, Casey was Dan's original name.

-About the bashing of Emo stuff: I don't really hate Emo music, but I certainly hate the trend, which is just a watered-down, queer version of Goth.

-Tyler, I enjoyed your review very much. Because you were one of the few who showed some kind of appreciation for the cloaked figures, of which I personally am very proud of. The same goes for Monette. But I don't think tying them with Dan would be a good idea, as I alreeady have a deleted subplot about them (but it doesn't reveal their identities fully either)  that I will consider expanding, and Dan isn't a part of it.

-Zombie Sean (and Tyler), even though I do like 28 days later, it didn't even cross my mind when writing this. The maniac people here are calm and/or elaborate when killing people individually (Will sneaking behind Brad, the whole town calmly standing outside the school gates) and do not act like rabid dogs until there is mass-panic. And yes, Will did kill his mom, but how/when is left for the audience to think about.

If there was a movie that I was loosely inspired by, it was *maybe* The Faculty, 'cause I think the atmosphere in my short has some similaritites.  

-Sryknows: Will's complete name is Theodore William Hargensen. As for the whole character attachment thing, I did cut some of Dan's dialogue but he along with Ernie pretty much remained intact. Will, Tina, Brad, and Stephen though, did go through some drastic dialogue deletion which I think caused you to see the characters as one-dimensional. There was a whole subplot about Tina and her parents, for example (which was reduced to almost nothing--Tina seeing her mom outside the school in the final version of the script). If you think this was because things were just sorta crammed up together, well, you're thinking so because they kind of were, and I'm sorry. I lost my original screenplay (which was 35 pgs long) but I will try to re-write -/re-create it when I have time.

-Hey Parkster, I think I missed a word in the end. It should be "SMASH CUT TO BLACK".

I really thank you all deeply for the comments. I'm glad most of you enjoyed the script and your reviews have really helped.

If anyone has any more comments on the script, I'm still right here.

-


    

The script says, “Tainted Lactose.” Some title juggling? - ha. I don’t much find the word lactose very captivating in a title. It’s just a matter of opinion really but lactose doesn’t evoke much excitement for me. And that’s coming from someone who’s lousy with titles.

****SPOILERS****

This one is okay. It needs some work. It’s fairly typical teen horror fare but it’s okay. It’s nearly impossible to stand out with these types of scripts so it was a decent effort.

There were way too many questions left unanswered about the mysterious shadow figures: who or what they are, what their purpose or motivation is, why they would choose milk as a catalyst for whatever reason. I was at times inclined to think they were of supernatural origin, since they’re described only as cloaked figures and use thought control. But they wear boots and kill with guns, which suggests they’re physical creatures.

I found the lack of explanation for them or the situation to be somewhat disappointing. And as just another zombie-like-teenagers-get-slaughtered story, it was fairly run-of-the-mill.

It needs to be proofread but I don’t make too big a deal of it when it’s a challenge with a deadline. I could plainly tell the writer takes it seriously. At least, that was my impression. So it made a good impression in that sense. And without the rush and deadline of the challenge, this could very well be expanded into something original. It’s hard to say at this point. But the writer seems like he’s on the right path.

Some things I noticed:

P1 - “Distance beside” is an oxymoron. Beside means to be next to and requires close proximity. It would be better to say, “A short distance away,” or if you really need it to the side, then you could say, “A distance laterally.”

P1 - bedroom is one word.

P1 - hold back tears - holds (fights would be a better word too, I think)

How would a viewer know the young man’s heart is beating fast? Maybe he can be breathing erratically or trembling. Otherwise, we would have to hear it.

P3 - Ms. Hargensen calls Will Theodore. If his name is William Theodore, she should call him by his full name or something for clarity’s sake.

P3 - Ms. Hargensen scolds one son for cursing and then allows the other to do so without a word said.

You need a new slugline when you change location. For example; Dan leaves his room and walks past the kitchen with nothing to denote a change in location.

Why is Dan’s mother’s absence from the kitchen surprising? Surely she doesn’t stay exclusively in the kitchen. The word “surprisingly” is out of place. Especially when the viewer would never know that it’s surprising.

P6 - Who is Casey? And why was he on the car? You have to be careful when you change a character’s name.

P9 - I would think it would be very hard to stab somebody through the heart from behind with a pair of scissors. Maybe, I don’t know.

P11 - to focused - too focused

There were some other errors, some missing punctuation, but I’ll stop here. It definitely needs to be proofread.

So, overall, it was okay. For a first script, it was pretty good. Actually, yeah, it wasn’t all that bad for early work. If this writer is serious (and so far he seems to be), he might just write something pretty good one day. I could see that. If you are primarily a horror writer, it’s a hard road. There are so many horror scripts that originality is extremely difficult. You need to look at ways to separate yourself from the myriad of others just like this.

Brea

Hey Breanne, thanks a lot for the honest feedback!

I only noticed all the spelling and punctuation mistakes I had once I had already submitted the script so I could do nothing about it. And you're right...it needs to be proofread...because it wasn't. I just trimmed it down (it was originally 35 pgs long as I said before) and submitted it with only a few minutes till the deadline. Also, half of it was written over a night. I'm also a foreigner and English is not my first language...

Still, that's no excuse and I'll be sure to proofread my scripts in the future.

About the abscence of a slugline in the house scene: I didn't want to occupy too much space due to the page limit.  

Also, while I WAS serious while writing this screenplay, I'm fifteen years old and I was aiming for more of a "hip" or "fun" Horror-short rather than a serious Horror. Not a comedy, just a *fun* script.

Anyway, I really do thank you for taking your time to comment on my short and pointing out the mistakes I had. Maybe I could read one of your screenplays in the future...

So thanks and good luck with your writing, Brea!

--Julio  

Seems like I did miss one of the scripts after all  

I was going to say that this was pretty well written, but now that I know you’re 15 I will change that and instead say that I am impressed! Good Job!

SPOILERS:

The script is called Killer Lactose at SS, but Tainted Lactose on the cover page.

Unlike some of the others who suggested that you’d skip the first scene, I think you should delve more into that part. I’m a lot older than you so to me that part was a lot more interesting than the teenagers dying left and right. I would have liked to know more about what those cloaked figures were doing and why. I think you did well on that part.

You may want to let us know why the father and son had to die in the beginning.

It was a little too much chit chat between Dan and Will in the beginning. I’m sure you just wanted it to seem natural and normal, but even dialogue has to drive the story forward otherwise we the readers start to loose interest. Don’t feel bad about that BTW, I do the same thing.

Once the killings started I was getting a little less into the story. You wrote the action well enough, I just wasn’t interested in the teenage slasher type stuff. I’m a lot older than you so that’s probably why.

Breanne already pointed out a lot of the spelling and grammar stuff.

Over all, I think you should be very proud of yourself. Considering your age, non native English speaking and only one week to write, I think you did a fantastic job!

Good Luck!