Thank you so much Pia!

Yeah, I did some title juggling as Breanne said and I was desperate to submit it with only a few minutes till the deadline, so I just quickly wrote the first thing that came to mind without even taking a look at my title page. Ha-ha

I am planning on delving just a *little* more into the whole voodo scene, but not too much. I want the figures to remain mysterious, but I'm definitely NOT revealing their identities.

As for my English-speaking. Well, I live in a town in Mexico right next to Brownsville, Tx. Both are separated only by Rio Bravo (or Rio Grande as Americans know it). All you need is a visa and you're in the U.S.A. I spend a lot of my time in B-ville because I just like it there, so that's where I got part of my English. The one who helped me refine it was my mother, as she is an English teacher.

But that's enough about me. Thank you for the comment and I hope to read from you in the future...

--Julio    

Well, that wasn't bad. You had an intriguing opening scene followed by what appeared to be confusing, but tied itself up at the end. The milk creating crazy people is an ongoing theme in this exercise, it seems.

First off here, who is Casey and why was he on the car when Will told Dan to get out of the car? Don't quite get that.

This would be one of those that would be messed up to watch with all the random activity going on in the background. The main character is apparently Dan with his brother as the antagonist. Everything outside is a bigger story, and it might be worthwhile to expand this one into a feature using this opening sequence as a long teaser to setup what happens next.

What actually happened to the milk remains largely unexplained (as is also the case with a lot of the exercise scripts) beyond the "ceremony" involving the cows. But what was this ceremony. Who is behind it? Why are they doing it? All this is unanswered when we reach the end. I get that the prime story is about Dan and he expires at the end, but we could use a little more.

It's fairly well written, but needs a lot more explanation.

Hey George. Thanks for the review. I am planning on making this longer, but I will try not to answer ALL the questions in order for the figures to remain mysterious. Obviously, I will have to make Dan live longer, but it's something I'm doing now.  

And I **Know** about the whole Casey thing!  I just forgot to change his name in that scene! I've already fixed that.

New version's lookin' good. I think I'll submit it in the future, once I decide it's done.

Once again, thanks.

New version's up and running.

Not bad.  A quick fun read.  The concept was good. The dialogue and characters weren't bad.  I think it could use a bit more of a story though.

I think you still need to go longer than this.  There are too many questions that need to be answered.  Who are the people tainting the lactose?  Why are they doing it?   The kids at school need to relate more to each other.  We need to learn more about the victims before we can feel anything about their deaths.

One question I had was that if Stephen became homicidal immediately after drinking the milk, so did Ernie.  Then why didn't Will.  I know you implied he killed his mother but he should have killed Dan too.  There seems to be a time delay with the milk sometimes yet not others.  How did half the student become affected all of a sudden in the middle of class?  

It was obvious that you had proof read but there were still a few spelling errors (on a glass rather than in a glass is one I remember).  I didn't note them down.  

Your very first sentence is a fragment, consider revising it.

There were a few times you told rather showed (I only wrote two of them down though).   One was when you mention that it was his father's bedroom.  Another was when you told us his Old man was dead.

Not a bad read.  

On a quick note...should have been called "Lactose Intolerant"

Thanks, Wolfgang.

If you wanna check out some of my other work I have Insanity Outcome (Short) on my signature. The draft I have of that on here is flawed but I am in the process of re-writing it.


--Julio