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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Horror - October 06 One Week Challenge  ›  Lactose Intolerance
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  Author    Lactose Intolerance  (currently 4180 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lactose Intolerance by A Member - Short, Horror - Peer pressure is just terrible, especially when it is used to pressure the younger generation to do or consume thing that they don't want to do, that they know is not healthy for them.  But milk is healthy, after all, it makes you nice and strong . . . 10 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - doc, format


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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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This was a great story. There was a lot of bits that would have just seemed so scary if seen on the screen, Especially the room of milk zombified children staring at Alan. This could do without the joke ending i reckon, kinda breaks the mood.

A good full story.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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mgj
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know what to say other than this was a pretty standard zombie movie send up.  I did like how it ended with the cab driver - that scene made me smile.  The rest of it though was a little too paint-by-numbers.  For die-hard fans only.  Oh, and watch those typos; a cow has an 'udder' not 'utter'.

I think an opportunity was missed not incorporating teachers into your script somehow.  Authority figures are always effective in these types of stories.  Maybe have one of the students locked in detention instead of the obligatory hiding out in the cellar scene.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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THis one was pretty cool.  It kinda reminded me of Village of the Damed.

I thought the use of milk in this one was well done and it it pretty much a standard horror so that was a bonus.

I liked the ending with the cab driver and SIlk(gross stuff by the way)

all in all a pretty decent read.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Haha this was great. More of a comedy than horror in my eyes. It reminded me of a Farily Oddparents episode where they make fun of the Stepford Wives, except with milk, and whoever drinks it becomes "zombified" and they try and make people drink milk.

I can see this on screen and how it can have its scary parts, but whenever you said that the children walked in a mechanical way, I can see them walking sort of like how the Grudge girl would walk, sort of jerky, or more like the Ring girl.

Sean
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Higgonaitor
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

Milk is included, so thats good.  Horror?  Kinda, I guess you pass the requirements for theme and genre.

Am I corect in spotting references to Evil Dead and psycho?  Thats funny, like milk instead of blood.  You should have had an elevator open with milk pour out and two twin students asking allen "Come drink with us, forever and ever and. . . "  That would have been funny.  But I guess we're going for horror, not humor, and maybe that would hav been too obvious.

I could be completely wrong, maybe you havent seen evil dead or psycho, but I doubt it.

-Tyler


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Higgonaitor  -  October 21st, 2006, 11:16pm
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bert
Posted: October 22nd, 2006, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, I enjoyed this one more than I thought I would.

After reading the opening scene, and recognizing (I think) the author, I was all set to bash this one.  Then I found myself enjoying it, for the most part.  There are some amusing moments to be found here, even if a “chase through the school” ultimately becomes tedious, as we’ve seen it many, many times.

And what kind of school cafeteria serves milk out of pitchers?  Keep it in cartons, or you strain credibility.  The milk moustaches that you give the kids is plenty for us to know who they are, I think.  It’s a nice detail, actually.

And the last joke really does not work.  You should give this piece the ending it deserves, although I am not really sure what that might be.  Something involving the principal perhaps?  You don’t have any grownups here, and you need some.  Maybe the lunchroom ladies could be fun?  Yes.  That is definitely the angle I would choose.  Lunch ladies.

Anyway, not bad.  I enjoyed this well enough for what it was.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Steve-Dave
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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This one I liked a lot. This seemed more like a parody of other "brainwashing" type movies than a horror though, ie the faculty, body snatchers, village of the damned, etc. but like I said more of a parody. But funny stuff nonetheless.

I liked the lactose and tolerant remark. And the milk circling down the drain got me laughing.

And I liked the joke at the end. I didn't think it took away from the story.

I just didn't get really get why the asteroid made everybody into mindless zombies. If it were aliens or something trying to brainwash the human race it'd be one thing, but just the asteroid didn't make much sense. But very good story and well written.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
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tomson
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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I found myself liking this one!

First it felt like it was going to be a comedy with the cows and stuff. Then it got a little creepy, starting with the fourth grade girl speaking in a soft and distant way.

"Hello friend, do you want some milk". That was good and I liked how that kept escalating to "drink! drink! drink! drink!"

Yeah, this wasn't bad at all!

Try not to use the word dart so much and also--

INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA—DAY

"Milk pours down the side of a glass pitcher, filling it to the top, she then moves along filling the rest of the pitchers on the counter."
Who is she? She is never introduced.

Good job!  
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MonetteBooks
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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At the end you've got "not to fond of "SILK" instead of "MILK". Crucial place to have a typo! I liked it, and it stuck to the themes.
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tomson
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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SILK is fake milk, and it's GROSS  


Did you just give yourself away, Jordan?

I know what you mean about Silk though (soy milk) it's gross.
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Nixon
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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This piece didn’t really remind me of anyone from this site. Maybe you’re one of those leeches everyone is so worried about. Hopefully that isn’t the case. Anyway…

At times, your descriptions became extremely confusing. Maybe it was the constant repetition of certain adjectives. Alan seemed to dart everywhere. Your dialogue was fine, humorous in some places, especially on the last page.

Overall an original effort, unfortunately it’s potential gets weighted down by your confusing descriptions. The lack of any kind of real resolution also bothered me.  

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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MonetteBooks
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry--I thought you meant milk not the soy silk. My mistake. Just looked wrong.
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bert
Posted: October 28th, 2006, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Higgonaitor
Also Bert, I noticed that on mine (Lactose Intolerance) you said you thought you recognized the author, were you correct?


I did notice that you got mine haha.  I wonder how?

I thought yours was by a different author -- the whole meteor/cow thing up front was kind of silly and led me in the wrong direction -- but when I ended up liking the story, I began to doubt my initial instincts as to who had written this.

I won't insult you by telling you who -- at the outset -- I suspected.  Suffice it to say that you are more talented than they.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Higgonaitor
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Quoted from bert

I won't insult you by telling you who -- at the outset -- I suspected.  Suffice it to say that you are more talented than they.


Close to an insult plus a mystery but you wrap it up with what might be a compliment, so it's alright.

Glad you liked it Bert, thanks for the read.  Thanks everyone else for reading too.

Oh, and Nixon, I'm not a leech, I'm a human being.  So there.

Oh, and FYI I don plan on making this a bit longer, filling plot holes and changing the ending, so theres that to look forward too.

Thanks,
Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
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