This one was pretty darn crazy and it whacked a few funny bones along the way.

But I thought you could have taken it even further.

I would like to have seen these old ladies as a serious (ha ha)  threats.  I picture an army of grannies charging ahead, the ones in the front smashing doors and breaking arms.  They fall by the wayside and the next tier of maniac grandmas take their place. And so on.

And I wanted to see Kyle or Chad with dentures planted on their bodies. I wanted to bruise marks from swinging canes and walkers and what have you.

It would have been funny to see Dr. Jones and his chain saw squaring off with Granny Smith and her wooden crutches.

What if the story is not so much about Medicare, but the impact of cutbacks on the availability of milk?

I thought for sure that poor pregnant woman was in for the worse. Why she’s a lactating machine… Eeeeeegad.

The usage of Numbers in the middle pages was unnecessary.  I thought it was for a montage, but the more I read the less I think that was your intention.

Avoid phrasing like “Suddenly there’s a bang,” “The old ladies are chanting,” “… all begin heading toward the back room,” “the mob begins to slowly shuffle,” “Lauren tries desperately to get up, but to no avail, “… she becomes surrounded by old ladies…”

Lots of passive action and/or redundancy.

The story was a bit cockeyed and I didn’t quite get the humor. But you did okay in pumping energy into scenes and you score points for originality.

I wasn’t big on the ending.  It seemed brittle and there is a certain meanness to having all these old ladies suffering, from start to finish.

Hey everyone, thanks for the feedback.

And yes the numbers were for a montage...I guess that was bad advice from a friend.

As you can tell I couldn't think of anyway to make milk scary (though now upon reading some others I regret that thought).  The idea is loosely based off that of a friend's, whom as it turns out is a huge South Park fan.  

Anyway the ending was rushed because I found out about the competition on Wednesday in passing by and decided to do it Thursday night.  I did not plan anything out for it so the ending just kind of got improvised as I wrote it.

I guess the majority of it could have been better (It never even occurred to me that Lauren, being pregnant, would have milk), but I just felt the only way to make it work would be to make it over the top.

Thanks for reading.
-Pat

PS: The Lauren Michaels thing had no reference to SNL, but was just a random name that I picked.

Brandnew,

I'm really sorry to have to tell you that this script didn't really work for me at all. I guess you've got the younger crowd liking it so that's good though.

This starts out as some kind of political/social statement about medicare and then it turns into a "kill all the old ladies" kind of thing. I think I can see what you were aiming for, but the fact that the old and "inocent looking" old ladies with their bones breaking all the time turn out to be nice, means IMHO that they do not work as antagonists. Having them all get killed makes the MEN in fact the bad guys and I don't think that's what you had in mind. The MEN were in no way heroes for doing what they did even if you were creative with the various ways of killing the ladies. The old ladies were the victims here, they did not deserve what they got.

I'll end on a good note though and tell you that this was written well.

Thanks for the comment Donna.

Actually I do kind of set up the men to be the bad guys in this script as the old ladies are meant to be innocent victims.

I'm sorry you did not like it too much, but thank you for reading it and giving your opinion.  It is very well appreciated.

Well, for a horror script, that was actually rather amusing. I picture an elaborate Saturday Night Live-ish sketch or something. It feel like a spoof of zombie films.

For seven pages, it feels fairly complete to me. This genre doesn't lend itself much to character development, and with everyone you have in this script, it would be near impossible to go beyond name and stereotype.

I did find myself feeling a bit sorry for the old ladies. They're brittle and being easily beaten by the heroes of the story. It would have helped if we actually saw someone being killed by them. Granted, it would go against your ending, but it would have made killing and maiming them easier to accept.

It's decent from a story perspective, but has some problems from a taste angle that I don't think can be fixed without ruining the concept.

EDIT: After looking at some prior comments (I always comment first and then look over what's gone before) I find it amusing that I missed the Lorne Michaels (unintentional) reference, and still referred to SNL.