Thanks Mr.Z.

Your comments about it being overwritten is something that has plagued me since I began writing scripts.  I'm beginning to think I may not be a screenwriter at heart and more of a short-story writer as I'm finding it increasily difficult to cut down on my descriptions.  It's like tearing off a bandage sometimes - very painful to do.

I'm a little surprised most people don't see much horror in it.  In retrospect though, after reader some of the other entries, I can understand why; there's not much bloodshed here and my style is pretty restrained.  As well I agree - drinking rat milk is gross not scary.  

Quoted from mgj Your comments about it being overwritten is something that has plagued me since I began writing scripts.

Don't worry man, every writer is plagued by this same problem when they start.

Quoted from mgj I'm beginning to think I may not be a screenwriter at heart and more of a short-story writer as I'm finding it increasily difficult to cut down on my descriptions.  It's like tearing off a bandage sometimes - very painful to do.

I can understand the pain, but I disagree; your screewriting style is, IMO, pretty good. It might need some tweaking here and there, but you write visually and to the point. Don't feel discouraged.  

Quoted from Mr.Z I can understand the pain, but I disagree; your screewriting style is, IMO, pretty good. It might need some tweaking here and there, but you write visually and to the point. Don't feel discouraged.

Thanks.  I'm in too far to quit now anyway.  I do somethings well, I think.  I just need to focus on the stufff I don't do very well.  

This was rather good. You got me intrigued from the get-go. Good setup of the action. I liked the whole "Amish" feel to the people in that society had corrupted him. As soon as they mentioned the operation in the barn, I wanted to be there. His reaction to the milk only heightened that desire. I loved the ending as well.

Overall, you did a fine job here for a short script. It felt very complete. It had a beginning, middle, and end. It was well-constructed.

My only complaint was him giving a name of "you can call me Bob." The only problem with this is that no one used the name anywhere in the story. If he's going to give a name, someone might as well use it.

From a standpoint of the other comments I looked over, I admit that I recalled the Simpsons episode where the Springfield mob was selling rats' milk to the elementary school. Couldn't help that. That episode had the complete milking apparatus you have in your story, cages and all. I admit that a "why" to the rats' milk would have been nice, but he didn't hang around long enough for it.

I thought the ending was amusing. I liked it just because it worked for me, and I didn't overanalyze it. The horror in the story was more for the fugitive than it was for the audience.

I still say well done.

Thanks for the read George.

Quoted from George Willson My only complaint was him giving a name of "you can call me Bob." The only problem with this is that no one used the name anywhere in the story. If he's going to give a name, someone might as well use it.

It never even occured to me but you're the second person to bring this up so maybe it should have.  Now that I think about it, having them refer to him by his alias does have a certain creepy undertone to it.

Quoted from George Willson I admit that I recalled the Simpsons episode where the Springfield mob was selling rats' milk to the elementary school.

That show must have seeped into my subconscious.  I'm not sure if I plan to revisit this one or not but if I do I'll most likely change it from rats to some other type of farm animal or vermin.  Actually, what's in the barn could really be anything but for the purposes of this exercise it needed to be milk-related.

Quoted from George Willson I admit that a "why" to the rats' milk would have been nice, but he didn't hang around long enough for it.

I did try to explain that, sort of.  The father's sermon about 'making use of all that god has to offer' and 'nothing going to waste'.  I guess this was sort of a cultural thing that, for them, seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do.

See when I was reading it, and the bloke got to the barn and looked around - I was convinced there would be lots of women caged up like battery hens to produce milk! Just my twisted mind at work again I suppose...

Quoted from haemogoblin10 See when I was reading it, and the bloke got to the barn and looked around - I was convinced there would be lots of women caged up like battery hens to produce milk! Just my twisted mind at work again I suppose...

Welcome to the site haemogoblin10.  This was my first foray into horror.    Now, if you want to read something really twisted, check out 'Spoiled'.