Night of the Damned by A Member - Short, Horror - Father and daughter outlaws rob the wrong country store. 12 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format

This was a pretty interesting read, didn't have much to do with milk though, other than "Gumball" dropping some and the cat licking it off the floor.

The exchange between Daddy and Gumball in the car was actually quite funny.  That littl girl sure has a mouth on her

Anyways it was fun but I think it strayed from the theme, but on it's own it had some great moments.  I really liked the head being rolled down to Gumball's feet, and revealing what happened to the cat, Daddy was one mean S.O.B.

Hey.

SPOILERS SPOILERS

This script had absolutely nothing to do with milk, so on that level you failed the chalenge thingy.

Other than that I suppose it was good enough, the dialogue worked nicely and fit the actions well.  The action was good too, although I'm not exactly sure what happened to the cat, because the dad comes up with a bloody collar and she later strolls the aises with the cat.

Also the ending was a little "what the hell" because of the sudden armless woman and burly man, perhaps offer some kind of explenation, because that seemed just completely random to me.

Also, gumballs mirror shatters and then she uses it again.  I recommend you just never have her drop it.

Congratulations on being the first script I read.

-Tyler

I don't think more explanation is entirely necessary.  The scene in the basement has a 'He got himself in to more than bargained for' feel.
The formatting of the last few scenes is wrong.  You wouldn't just write BASEMENT.  You need a full slugline.  And you need another when you go back to Gumball in the store.
Some other notes.
I don't buy Gumball as being 10.  15 Maybe.  Her dialogue is too smarmy for 10.
On Page 6, the scene action regarding Gumball and the can of lighter fluid doesn't read well or make sense.
Page 9, the cat jumps out of gumball's arms despite being killed pages ago.

This was entertaining but kind of confusing at the same time.  I think I see where milk plays a key role in here, almost like a foreshadowing because Gumball wasn't watching the door in the beginning, but at the end she was, but by then it was too late?  Maybe there's too much of a complex message you're going for here.  

Cat died...I don't understand how she suddenly came back unless that just slipped your mind.  

I buy the fact that Gumball is 10.  In a way it reminded me of Haley Joel Osment's "Sixth Sense" character.  Witty, smart, clever dialogue.  When she's living with such an ass of a father, I can see where she picked up some of her lines from.  So kudos to you on that.

Overall I liked this.  I think the message is either too deep or too shallow, because I'm having a hard time figuring it out but I think it's there.  Sharp descriptions, engaging dialogue, a joy to read.  Nice job!

Well, I think this was a pretty cool short. Excellent description and dialogue, nice pacing...all was good. I still have to agree with theboywhocouldfly, though. This didn't have much to do with milk at all.

This one I thought was really really cool. Aside from some flaws...

SPOILERS!!!

Didn't Daddy kill the cat? so I don't get where it came from again. And I don't get why there is a stream of lighter fluid down the aisle. Did I miss something?

The scene with the girl I think could be either lost, or you could show the burly guy doing something more to her. expand the scene a little more and give us more time with burly guy, to know what kind of a freak he is.

I also think 10 is way too young for the dialogue she was spitting out. Things like "don't have a coronary" and calling him and "asshole" and talking about molesting her I don't think a 10 year old would say. I'd shoot more for a 14 15 or 16.

Besides that I really really liked this. The dialogue was fantastic. I loved Gumball's name, smart assness, her relationship with her father, their arguing, throwing the bullets out the window, the old man. This just had a really great feel in it. Didn't have much to do with milk but had some really cool and memerable moments, characters and dialogue going for it.

Not much milk, but delivers on horror.

That was entertaining.

The dialogue in this piece is so smart and clever; you almost realize that is has nothing to do with milk. Almost…

The characters in this are also exceptional; the father and daughter relationship was written in such a unique and original way. What a fucked up, yet interesting family.

My only complaint is the lack of milk. Good job.

-Zavier

This brought to mind for me 'Paper Moon' in an odd way, especially the dynamic between father and daughter.  That movie's a favorite of mine but the difference is that the leads here are alot less sympathetic.  For that reason I can't quite embrace this one.  It was still a good read though with colorful characters and as others have stated - delivers on the horror.

Still, I can't help but wonder how much better this would be if only you had given our two protagonists a proper motive or rationale for their wayward lifestyle.  I really wanted to sympathize with them.

The dynamics between the father and daughter were pretty interesting, but the story didn't do anything for me.  The theme for the OWE could've lawn furniture and you could just as easily squeaked it in.

Keep the characters and put them in another story.  A longer one.


Phil

I just did not get the point of the story on this one (the plot seemed rather gratuitous.) And I've seen too many horror films with big, country guys with cleavers to not feel it was a bit cliche.

That said, I did like the dialogue between the father and daughter.  It had a level of edge and interesting characterization to it, that held my attention. I would like to see something more dramatic (along the lines of natural born killers, perhaps) with these characters.

Although the story wasn't hugely original, it's always a satisfying one, and I thought you pulled it off well.

Actually, it was the characters I really liked about this one.  What a team.  Good dialogue, good conflicts, and plenty of things to make them interesting.  I agree with Phil.  Throw 'em into something that isn't quite so pedestrian.

Oh and milk milk blah blah milk.

This one was good for me, and I know who wrote it, too.  I hope this author gets some reads on his other story off the readers from this one.  His choppy style is uniquely his own, and I'll be shocked if it turns out I am wrong.  Don't think I am.

The character of Gumball is fantastic.  I love her.  But she talks too old, without a doubt.  But don't make her older, though.  Just make her dialogue a bit younger.  Don't make her quite so smart -- but keep the edge.

I will echo the sentiments that these characters deserve -- demand -- a larger story of their own.  Something that includes Mom's backstory.

Now, having said all that -- the horror is barely there -- and the milk even less.  Surely you could have tried a little harder there.  I mean, c'mon.

But this one has nevertheless displaced "Nelchael's Legacy" as my second-favorite.

I like this! This is, imo, great. The writing is excellent. It's not over-written. It says only what it needs to say, and in a compelling way. The characters are interesting. Although, I have to agree with the others, Gumball's diologue is far beyond that of a ten year old. That said, I wouldn't change what she says, just the way she says it.

The end, seemed a little forced, a little rushed. Still, this is my favorite of the many I've read.

Seth

Very nice entertain script here. Well developed as well with a clear begin, middle and end. Nice characters names Gumball (it is a type of girl that glues on you all time!) and Daddy (I love this one. My young girl calls me like this.) and Old Man (it is what my wife calls me!).

I guess it belongs to Pia, maybe because of lot  Screeches; Whacks; Whooshes; Whoops and Poofs!

If not, I'm sorry...Ooops! Hahaha!

Yes, there was hardly a mention milk. And it didn't really feel like horror to me until the last couple of pages. But, it was pretty good. The descriptions were great. They didn't leave much to the imagination. Dialogue was spot on but, like others have said, Gumball's speech is too old for her. She needs to be at least, for me, 14 yrs old. I'd say anyways.

Story was good. Writing was good but it didn't really enthral me. A good one week script though.

Jamie

The writing here was excellent in my opinion, I really, really enjoyed that part.

I too, feel that Gumball's dialogue is way too old for a ten year old, but it was as sharply written as can be. I agree with Bert in that I don't want her to be older, just a more suitable dialogue for her.

There wasn't much horror or milk here, but in my opinion this was the sharpest written script of the bunch, even sharper than Bert's, and I really liked your choice of words.

There were two places where I felt that someone on the other side of the Atlantic might have written this one.....I'm going to guess Martin, but I could of course be wrong.

This sharp writing and twisted dialogue could only have come from a twisted criminal mind: Abe from LA is this yours?  

If this wasn’t a One Week Exercise thingy with certain rules, this would be my favorite (so far) along with Mother’s Milk.

But… there were rules… and those authors who followed them are in some kind of disadvantage in comparison to those who didn’t. I mean… C’mon... Horror and Milk? Milk isn’t scary. So this script benefits from avoiding to deal with such an “uninspiring” theme, considering the genre.

But I liked this one, it had some great moments. Extremely good dialogue between father and daughter, although, as other readers have mentioned, Gumball sounds more like in her mid teens.

The scare factor appears in P.9. For a 12 p. short which is supposed to be horror, I’d say this is a little too late. You could have made Daddy and Gumball to rob directly the “wrong store”. Assaulting a previous one isn’t necessary to show what they do for a living.

P.1 “The woman clerk compiles.”  It’s redundant, since her following actions make that clear. And you can call her “Iris” since we already know her name.

And yep, the end left me with many questions. Too much for my taste. But overall, I enjoyed this one; good job. And if you’re not Abe, take my mistake as a compliment.

Quoted from bert His choppy style is uniquely his own....

Since Z is gonna go ahead and spoil this one -- yeah, that's exactly who I was talking about in my post.

No doubt about it.

I guess it's late enough in the week to "out" this author.

Of course, I hope we're right, Z.

Quoted from Bert_the_guy_who_needs_to_write_Starbuck_Starr_Part_III Since Z is gonna go ahead and spoil this one -- yeah, that's (Abe from LA) exactly who I was talking about in my post. No doubt about it.

I’m trying not to guess the names of the authors this OWE for two reasons: 1) I’m wrong more often than right and, 2) I want to eliminate any possibility of bias. It seems to me that guessing the author defeats the purpose of author anonymity just as much as knowing. Once you assume you know the author, there is the possibility that that information can skew your review. That’s Breanne’s Rant for the week…

****SPOILERS****

I’m a little conflicted about my feelings toward this one. It certainly manages to hold interest. And the bizarre relationship between Daddy and Gumball is among the most anomalous I’ve ever read. Some aspects are reminiscent of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” In some ways, it’s almost a “what if” story of two different bizarro-families meeting. Sort of like “Frankenstein meets Dracula” for the wacko family set.

The old man’s relation to the psycho in his basement is never told. I’m inclined to believe they must know each other since the Burley Man must surely have to be seen by the store keeper at some point in order to force his victims into the basement. It might have been a nice touch if the still alive but dying old man could have called out to the burley man to get Daddy.

It was for the most part well written. There were a few things that were a bit murky. Examples are:

Gumball mentions pretending to have lighter fluid then her actions indicate that she has fluid for real. Then later, she finds it at the store and indicates that she never had any previously. You shouldn’t assume we know she’s only pretending to have it earlier, if that’s the case.

You should describe Gumball spilling the lighter fluid in the floor at the store. It was confusing when it caught fire later without the reader knowing it was there.

I thought cat had been killed. Daddy holds up a bloody knife with a collar and Gumball screams. Later, at the next store, the cat is with Gumball. What did I miss?

At times, it seemed like you decided to change the story, probably as you were still creating it and the direction you wanted to go, and you didn’t fully eradicate plot holes that were formed when you made changes.
Other minor errors:

There are a few instances where you don’t have subject-verb agreement. Examples:

P8 - Driver’s license fall out - should be either licenses or falls

P9 - Freezer door swing wide - should be swings

P9 - He lift a meat clever - should be lifts

P10 - Burley Man pants catches fire - should be Burley Man’s pants catch fire

Overall, it had a lot of good writing quality so I’m inclined to believe most errors were the result of the deadline rush. I usually forgive a lot more errors with these OWE entries for that reason. Even a producer who had a writer on a strict deadline would be inclined to forgive some errors on an early submission so I don’t make too big a deal of it. But you need to know for future reference.

Generally, I liked the script and it was pretty well told. I did feel the few confusing parts combined with the occasional grammar issue interrupted the flow significantly. But nothing a few more proofreads couldn’t hash out of it.

So overall, I’d say it’s a pretty good effort.

Brea

Quoted from Bert_the_guy_who_needs_to_write_Starbuck_Starr_Part_III_ you_better_listen_ to_Breanne_ you_hear_me? Of course, I hope we're right, Z.

I knew we were talking about the same guy. I would be very surprised if it turns to be another writer.

This had its moments. It was not that horrific through most of it, but had a shocker at the end. Daddy worked as the seedy character, and Gumball was amusing as the girl too old for her age.

But she spoke at a level way beyond her years. Kids might grow up too fast, but a lot of her lines were far beyond even a 10 year old's psychology, much less her vocabulary. Her actions toward her father were bizarre at least, especially if he never actually molested her. It also makes me wonder where she learned all of her actions from, since the mother is gone, and the father certainly would not have gone into it if she was just a blow up doll and watchman. Seemed really out of place.

Your cat dies (implied) and then reappears in a later scene at the second store. Proofing your work is important.

The guy with the safe at the end is killed too quickly. We need an explanation of what's going on there. It bangs itself out pretty quickly at the end, but we're left completely in the dark as to why it's going on. Who is this old guy? Why is he keeping those items? Who is the burly man?

The first appearance of the burly man is out of place and confusing. I flipped back and forth to see what the heck was going on. I understood it was establishing, but you switched from the middle of one tableau to the middle of another, and it didn't work at all. It would be a far better thing to set this random scene at the beginning, so we are intrigued and then go into the first robbery. That way, the first scene isn't broken by what seems irrelevant.

I think this has some potential, but it has a lot of problems too. With a few rewrites, attention to detail (not to mention "seeing" the movie in your head as you write), and a bit more exposition on the characters, it could turn out pretty decent.

George,

Thank you and others for the read.
This was a piece of work that is best described as two (of three) characters I've had in mind for a long time, that was ram-jetted into a OWC.  
I was going to pass on this exercise, but I alreay passed on the Barbecue.
Two passes for me means I'm gone from the boards.

The story started out with the cat not dying, and then I thought, c***, the dad should kill the cat so it's understandable why the kid plots to kill him at the end. I ran out of time to fix things.

I couldn't even go back for a spell check. Yikes.
Oh yeah, I forgot that I was supposed to work milk into the story.  But I did get a miniscule scene with milk early on -- ha ha.  I know, big deal.

My concept is to have three cons: a stepfather, his girlfriend and the kid.  
Jerome (daddy) and the kid rob a convenience store and Jerome's girlfriend robs the tourists at a diner next door.
Then things go really wrong, and each of the three get separated to survive on their own wits.
Jerome in the basemeant, Twilla (gumball) in the store and later up a tree, and the girlfriend inside of the diner.
What they encounter isn't human.
Of course, this was supposed to take place over 90+ pages.

I agree with all that you and others have commented on.
Honestly, I could not emotionally connect with this short.  So, I have to rethink each of the characters and how they will fit into the big picture, so to speak.

Again, thank you for the thorough critique.  I've taken notes.

Abe, I think your concept is good. What you've described didn't come across at all, really, in the short. Go ahead and rewrite, and make it as long as it needs to be to properly tell the story. If that's a feature, then write it. First drafts have no restrictions.

Thanks, George.
Yeah, I veered off-track for the Milk exercise.
I've got to regroup.  Appreciate your words of encouragement.