Cheers for checking this out Andrew.

Quoted from Andrew Allen The flashback to show that Frank ate the chocolate - I can see why you put that there, but you had already revealed this with your crisp writing. I think you can afford to lose it.

Yeah I toyed with this a few times, still undecided as to include it or not.

Quoted from Andrew Allen I liked how you closed the story to show why and how Frank and Edward went to the chocolate shop. This gave a sense of closure, and had us in the complete circle of the story.

I'm glad you liked this cos I thought it worked quite well.  Originally I didn't have this ending but added before I posted the first draft.  I thought, as you did, that it completed the story.

Glad you liked this and cheers again for the review.

Hey Alffy, just gave this one a read. I liked it, it was great. I don't have many points to fix in terms of your writing, except that it did get a confusing with all the flashbacks. Also, I didn't know if there were voiceovers over some of them. That could work, have a think about chucking some in.

I think this would look great on screen, and you have really described the era well. Also when the wife was dying, that was fantastic. The writing that is, I don't condone death. (Unless she's a whore obviously )

I don't really have much else to say, except well done. I couldn't find much problem with it, and besides being slightly confused with the flashbacks, it was a good read.

Cheers for the feedback Tommy.

I've had a few comment on the flashbacks but I purposely didn't indicate them as flashbacks because I wanted it to be a little confusing until the end when it, hopefully, all became clear.  Also as it wouldn't be indicated as a flashback on screen I didn't want it to be on the page.

Glad you liked it, cheers.

First off, I couldn't help but think of "The Rocketeer" when I saw your title.  Man, I love that movie.  I mean, who saw that as a kid and didn't want a jetpack?

But I digress.

As far as your descriptions go, I don't really have any complaints.  I do think it was a bit confusing (although it seems that you did this on purpose) to have the sluglines be a little misleading (or vague), but in the end, it's fine.

Your dialogue could use some work, in my opinion.  I know you were striving for that old-time feel, but I think you went a little overboard in parts.  It seems, to get that feel, you had everyone speaking in complete sentences all the time and it was a bit much at times.  An example:

Quoted from page 13 You there. Move yourself I will be sure to run you over.

That's just one example.  I feel like this sort of thing happens a lot.  It seemed to work for other people (from previous posts above), but for me it felt kind of clunky and unnatural.

The story itself was interesting and you wrote it in such a way that made it a real page-turner, leaving us constantly wondering what's going to happen next.  After all, you start off the script with him confessing, which leaves so many questions.  Did he do it? Why did he do it?  Why is he being so casual?

But in the end, I'm sorry to say, my questions weren't sufficiently answered.  I guess I really just don't get why Jacob would let himself be caught like this.  I can understand that he's upset and looking for revenge (and most importantly, shoving it in the guy's face), but it seems weird that he'd basically just give up his life so easily.  Another thing that bothered me is that the chocolate (for Frank) didn't take effect until the second Jacob mentioned it; it just seemed too convenient.

I did, however, like the scene where Jacob's wife died. Very well done.

But like I said, I was hooked into the story but just didn't really dig where it went in the end.

Thanks for the read Dressel

Sorry you were a little disappointed.  I know what you mean about Jacob turning him self in to the police but it was a sure way of getting his vengence on Frank.  He wanted to make sure he died, like Rose and in a way himself.

I also know what you mean about Frank dying on cue but I couldn't think of a better way of working it.

I'm glad you did find it interesting and as you say, a page turner.

Thanks for your honest comments, should you want me to return the read just let me know mate.

Hey alffy, I just read this. I only realised you have a lot more scripts here so i'll hunt them out!
I read some of the comments after reading. I was gonna say the flashbacks should be in the headers but i'm ok with your reasons for not. Actually one could argue for FB's to never be put in headers on that point. Each to his own I guess.
No, i really enjoyed this story. the era was very well depicted and i felt like Sherlock Holmes or someone walking the foggy streets!! The language was done well too but not so it wasn't easy to follow. There were a few commas missed out on short dialogue sentences, like before the word Detectives, but maybe that was pointed out in an earlier post.
i'm guessing the original title was a take on the film, 'From Hell'? Good flick that.
Overall this was great work. Cheers

Cheers stevie, glad you enjoyed it.

Yeah the flashbacks...the bloody flashbacks lol.  I think I would argue that they don't have to be indicated, like I've said, they're not indicated on screen and so I wanted it read as it would be shown...confusing.  So that it slowly became clear as the story developed.

Anywho thanks again mate and yeah the original title was a play on 'From Hell'.  I definately prefer my new title though.

Heh Alffy. Owed you a read so here goes. Very good story. Can't tell you if the dialogue is good for the time period or not, but it felt spot on. Could tell you did some research.
Felt the motivation was weak for Jacob to murder his wife. What does he care about his social status if he's just going to admit to the murder anyway??? He's through.

Loved the scene where his wife dies. Bloody and gory. But, being the realist that I am, I don't even think there's a poison available today that could have you spewing blood from all orifices.

Wouldn't have minded a way for Jacob to set his wife up to be murdered by Frank, since he knew he was the murderer. Then Jacob could have poisoned him after.

hope this helped a little. You kept my interest all the way through though. Nice Work.

James

Thanks for the read James.

I wanted Jacob to come across as someone who thinks he's above his status but also a bit crazy.  Also he isn't aware Frank is the murderer/ripper he just knows he paying for sex with his wife, that's why he wants them both dead.

As for the poison, well I didn't refer to any specific one but there are a few that could cause similar outcomes.  Aresnic can cause severe nausea and vomiting, colicky abdominal pain and profuse diarrhoea (bloody in some cases).

I am glad you found it interesting and enjoyed it.  I did do some research before I wrote so I'm glad you noticed, thanks again for the read.

Dropped the ball on that one. I really thought Jacob knew Frank was the murderer. Gotta get better at breaking down what i read in a screenplay. On film it's so much easier to comprehend.

So Frank is having sex with her, yet he doesn't murder her?

Yeah, Frank is using the prostitutes for sex but doesn't kill all the ones he sleeps with.

I did my homework and wrote Frank's character as someone who could have been 'Jack the Ripper'.  I have it so he kills the right prostitues at the right time, suggesting an alternative story for him, that's why the Whitechapel murders stopped, because he was killed by Jacob.  It might not be easy to pick up on this if you're not up on the Ripper murders.  I don't think you're the first to miss this, maybe I shouldn't assume that everyone would pick up on this.  My fault really.

Anywho hope this makes it a bit clearer lol.  Take it easy and let me know if you want me to read over anything.

Wow, well done mate, that was one of the better ones I've read for a long while.

You've nailed the setting, dialogue and characters... I thought Frank smoked a little to heavily but I can see how that is necassary for the ending.

Cobblestone streets and chocolate gave me a strong visualisation of a cross between Charlie and the Chocolate factory and Sweeney Todd (great stuff)

Like the Jack the Ripper spin you've taken, and the research you've done really puts some realism and structure into the story.

One small thing, isn't a detective in London during this time referred to as a Constable? I could be wrong, I'm definately not a history buff haha.

All in all, loved it... look forward to reading more in the future.

Muchlove, Jayden

Thanks for the read Jayden.

Quoted from Jayden Creighton Wow, well done mate, that was one of the better ones I've read for a long while.

Thanks.

Quoted from Jayden Creighton Like the Jack the Ripper spin you've taken, and the research you've done really puts some realism and structure into the story. One small thing, isn't a detective in London during this time referred to as a Constable? I could be wrong, I'm definately not a history buff haha.

I did put quite a bit of research into this and tried hard to set a good scene.  I thought the Jack the Ripper side story would help keep it interesting, I can't think of many times when Jack would be upstaged in a story lol.  As for the constables, I better check that but thanks for pointing it out.  I'm pretty sure though Abberline who heading the investigation for Jack the Ripper was refered to as Detective Abberline.

Thanks again for the read and glad you enjoyed it.

This was a lotta fun to read. I really enjoy your particular brand of horror. Meat Pies is one of my favorite shorts around here. This one wasn't as funny but still extremely entertaining. Your dialogue is excellent. I can really imagine people back then talking like this. Your British-isms give a similar sense of charm that Meat Pies had.

I liked how Jack The Ripper was essentially downplayed throughout. I actually would've liked to have seen more of Jacob. This is his story, even as it is now, but Jack's/Frank's story is still quite prominent. I also think you could have a more obvious reveal that Frank was after Jacob's husband. I was a little confused here. I too thought that he knew Frank was Jack. I think what you were going for is an even better idea. It'd work to your advantage if you had less of a chance of people swaying the other way.

Also, the kills were pretty cool. Poison is an underrated weapon as it can do a lot nastier things than a knife or a gun, at times. I like the blood dripping from every orifice. Always cool when that happens in movies. There's definitely a good sense of splatter here without going overboard. The balance of light and dark here works very well. Chocolate generally implies lightheartedness.

Anyway, like I said, I really liked this one. It's been around for a while, it seems, so I imagine you've ironed out most of the problematic parts. Now I'd recommend you just build on what works best. Hope this helps.

Hey James, cheers for the review.

Quoted from James McClung Your dialogue is excellent.

Glad you thought so, as this was something I tried really hard to get right.

Quoted from James McClung I liked how Jack The Ripper was essentially downplayed throughout. I actually would've liked to have seen more of Jacob. This is his story, even as it is now, but Jack's/Frank's story is still quite prominent.

Yeah, Jacob is the main character and his actions lead the story, perhaps I could build on this at a later date.  I'm glad you thought that me playing down the Jack the Ripper role worked ok.

Quoted from James McClung Poison is an underrated weapon..

Why does this sound like it comes from experience? lol

Quoted from James McClung Meat Pies is one of my favorite shorts around here.

I've actually finished the feature version, now called 'Pub Lunch' but am waiting till I get back off my honeymoon to post it.  Hope it goes down alright as Meat Pies seemed to tickle a lot of people here.

Anywho, thanks for the read James and glad you enjoyed it.  I might do another rewrite at so point and take your comments on board.  I've actually considered extending this as well but who knows...