Just read your piece, Alfy.

Overall I enjoyed it, I didn't catch the twist that the chocolate was poisoned and Frank ate it.

However, the middle was a bit muddled with so many different characters. Maybe I'm just too dense, I don't get the significance of Frank with the prostitute, Liz. And how did Liz die? I'm assuming Frank killed her. So Frank is actually a parallel to Jacob?

Sometimes your description is a bit over-written, try to take out the "and"s. That would quicken our read.

Not a bad job at all, but I hope it'll be more engaging. Thanks.

Herman

Cheers for the read Herman.

Frank kills Liz as this suggests he is the legendary serial killer 'Jack the Ripper' and Elisabeth Stride (Long Liz) was one of his victims, as were the other prostitutes that died in the short.  Glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Alffy,

Glad to return the read. This one - by script writing standards - is an old bird. But one thing i have learnt around here is that there is some good stuff hidden away.

I haven't read any other feedback pre this so lets have a look;

Fade in on the right - those were the days!
P7 and haven't really any notes to make although i thought jacob would have been more direct if thats what he really wanted to happen
p9 whats a black smile?
p11 the price of wifes death is his reputation...but he asks the police to arrest him?
p13 for a short film you are moving scenes a lot - it would be one damn expensive production! Almost up there with my Falling Angels
p15 i really like the reversal of the beginning scene - really good
p16 poison starts to work - i wonder what that could be in those days. did you have anything in mind
p18 poison of Frank - this appears to be much slower than Rose - may need explaining. Not sure i buy this as the same stuff.

Overall

A decently woven tale with a part non linear format which worked for me.

A couple of thoughts;

Jacob - i don't feel he is resolved. Why confess? What happens? Why not let the detective take the chocolate and leave?

Frank - he kills, then goes off with girls normally. Whilst i can understand this, the inconsistent element for a short may confuse. did i read this right?

But lets be clear this is a decent tale, well constructed and clear characters revealed.

all the best.

Bill, cheers for the read.

This was written for a series and had a page limit...I think?  You've brought up some good issues and I could expand and explain these.  I have thought of going back to this but then again something always nags at me to leave it now and move on.

A black smile is just a reference to black teeth.

Rose dies quicker as she eats a whole box of chocolates while Frank, just the one.

Frank's killing of prostitutes.  I don't know if you picked up on this but Frank is 'Jack the Ripper', hence after his death, the killings stopped.  The dates and victims are legit and I did some background to try and make sure it was accurate.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and hopefully didn't find it too hard to follow? lol.

A very old script of mine but I've recently done a rewrite so might as well bump it up a bit lol.

Hey, Alffy

As far as bumping it. I'm glad you did. That was a great read. Easy on the eyes yet so much detail in the descriptive narrative. Yet, it didn't slow down the story at all which was feat IMO because there was a lot to infer.

The way you trusted the audience with the flashbacks. You showed us! The characters each had their own voice established within the short amount of time. I thought the ending was a solid call back to the beginning and a revelation fitting for a short. The lingering implications of who Frank was and what that meant was a nice touch too. Great job.

BLB

Thanks for the kind words.  As for the flashbacks...well they're not indicated here but are on another draft lol. Some readers find it confusing that they're not there, some don't.  I did spend a lot of time on this little script, and it's probably my favourite.

Glad you enjoyed it, and if I can repay the review just drop me a pm.