Darren, you know you're not my favorite SS'er, and you probably think anything of yours I read, I'm going to try and rip apart because of that.  It's not true, however. I give the same honest feedback to everyone, whether I like them or despise them.

I saw your log and really liked the premise, thus, I gave it a read.  Take it for what it is, here are my thoughts.

As I said, I love the premise.  I love horror and creature features.  Most aren't good, though, and creature features even more in particular are down right bad.  This doesn't have to be, but there are so many mistakes here that completely sink this into a 20 foot pit.

Your creature is cool, but, IMO, you tried to use way too many descriptive adjectives and even nouns, that in the end, I have less of an idea of what it looks like than I would if you only described it briefly.

There's way too much detail throughout the script everywhere, actually, and these details are what really kill this.

You use the word "chapel" many times, in your Slugs and in prose.  I have a pretty good idea of what a chapel is without looking it up, but in doing so, I'm more confused than I was before.  How is this a chapel?  What is a chapel doing in a cemetery?  Why are there "dead in drawers"?  Makes no sense to me at all.

You have this "pit" in your finale, and you decided to tell us how deep it is..."at least 20 feet deep"...HUH?  This chick falls 20 feet into this pit, climbs out, falls in again, then climbs out again.  Is this remotely possible?  I sure can't see it.  And it must be just an immense "pit", as we have 13 people in it to start, then Catherine, and then this giant beast, as well.  No way.

As others have said, it's WAY too talky up font, and actually, it's too talky whenever people start talking.

Miller's arrival doesn't work.  I saw the red lights being tripped, but no, we need alot more.

Why in the world would they leave the "chapel", when they've been safe in there the entire time?  No, doesn't make sense.  Why wouldn't someone just use their cell phone and call for help?  C'mon, now...

The addition of this cult in the pit is ludicrous.  No reason whatsoever for their inclusion.

Having 2 of 5 named characters with the same basic name is again, just foolish.

A few other things, but that's probably enough on that.

As others said, there are many, many mistakes throughout, in terms of missing words, incorrect grammar, and especially oddly and awkwardly phrased lines.  Also oddly joined lines in your passages, that should be on their own.  Numerous examples of missing subjects in your lines.  Almost no description of any of these "teens", and as someone correctly pointed out, "teens" can be from 13-19, and that's a very wide range in terms of looks and actions.

So, alot to fix up here, IMO, but a great premise and creature to work with.  But, we need to root for your characters and we need to fear your creature, as in, we need to have a clue what it is and why it's here.

And finally, the creature's demise is terrible and the anticlimactic-ness (  ) of the finale just leaves this on a very sour note.

Sorry to be harsh, but these are my honest thoughts and they're meant to help you in your rewrites.

Take care.

Quoted from Dreamscale Darren, you know you're not my favorite SS'er, and you probably think anything of yours I read, I'm going to try and rip apart because of that.  It's not true, however. I give the same honest feedback to everyone, whether I like them or despise them. You use the word "chapel" many times, in your Slugs and in prose.  I have a pretty good idea of what a chapel is without looking it up, but in doing so, I'm more confused than I was before.  How is this a chapel?  What is a chapel doing in a cemetery?  Why are there "dead in drawers"?  Makes no sense to me at all. Miller's arrival doesn't work.  I saw the red lights being tripped, but no, we need alot more. Why in the world would they leave the "chapel", when they've been safe in there the entire time?  No, doesn't make sense.  Why wouldn't someone just use their cell phone and call for help?  C'mon, now... The addition of this cult in the pit is ludicrous.  No reason whatsoever for their inclusion. .

It's okay Jeff. I figure if myself or anyone else puts up a script on the site, it's fair game for anyone to read, critique and give opinion if they choose to do so. It's also a myth that we disagree on everything or at each others throats. A few differences aside, there's no harm nor foul as far as I'm concerned.

I'm not going to address the names or the age thing in the current draft; I already conceded on that and responded to it thus far in this thread. Upon reflection, I am going to have to explain why everyone runs out of the chapel. However, I'm not going to explain why it is there. There are some cemetaries which do have chapels that also double as small mausoleums. I'll most likely change it in the next rewrite to mausoleum to avoid further confusion, but I think (or would like to think) most people would have gotten that.

As for the cell phone...um....eh... a hocus pocus moment! Yeah, that's it! No, seriously, that was my blunder. Even though I cut it because it was too cliche for me, I might have to put it back in where the storm also knocked out the local tower. No, second thought, I have a better idea since you brought this up anyhow.

Thanks Jeff.

Hey Darren.

I took a look at this and then I read through all the posts and everybody's pretty much pointed out everything I had noted, so at the risk of sounding monotonous, I'll echo what all the others have pointed out.  (All of which you have clarified or said you were going to fix anyway.)

However, there was one thing I noticed that I don't think has been brought up yet.  On page 7, you have Miller go outside and he sees his smashed up car, then he sees the creature.  And then on page 8, when he goes back inside, you say that 'Now with a nasty cut on his head, Miller bolts into the chapel,...'  even though there hasn't been any action with him where he would have cut his head.  I'm kind of lost as to where the cut came from.  I don't know if I missed something or if there was a part you took out where Miller gets his cut.

The creature was definately interesting.  Definately a menacing presence.  The things happening at the end, though, with the cult in the pit, I got kind of lost.  I do plan on reading this again to see if I catch some things that I might have missed in the beginning.

When I do, I could make a list of all the typo's I see if you'd like me to.  There weren't a lot by any means, but enough that it did take me out of the reading a couple times.  Actually, there's 2 in your first four lines of the script.  I love editing, and sometimes an author becomes all too familiar with his work and it takes a fresh set of eyes to notice typo's that slip by.

But I'll be checking it out again in the next day or two, so let me know.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Darren. However, there was one thing I noticed that I don't think has been brought up yet.  On page 7, you have Miller go outside and he sees his smashed up car, then he sees the creature.  And then on page 8, when he goes back inside, you say that 'Now with a nasty cut on his head, Miller bolts into the chapel,...'  even though there hasn't been any action with him where he would have cut his head.  I'm kind of lost as to where the cut came from.  I don't know if I missed something or if there was a part you took out where Miller gets his cut. The creature was definately interesting.  Definately a menacing presence.  The things happening at the end, though, with the cult in the pit, I got kind of lost.  I do plan on reading this again to see if I catch some things that I might have missed in the beginning.

That's it. The votes are tallied. The cult is on vacation, soaking up Malibu sun  

As to Miller's cut, I didn't take anything out and you did miss something---but it's what you didn't see that made the difference. I don't think the others have commented on it yet because it's understood where he may have gotten the injury from, either directly or indirectly. Let's say I did show you a scene where the monster smacks Miller around. It's just another scene with the monster smacking someone else around. Considering that the monster smacks folks around at the start and near the end ...it's just repeating a gag.

No. It's not a plot hole. It's clearly understood how he got smacked around.
As for the spelling errors, I have corrected them in a current draft yet to be uploaded. Right now I'm sending the cult to somewhere in the void. They get an honorable mention, but I'm more or less writing them out at this stage.

I'll resub sometime tommorrow or Saturday.

Thanks for your read.

Error:

CATHERINE
Really. Won’t do them a lick of
good though. They can try.

Review: Just put the word "It" before the word wont and after really and this line will be fine.

Error:

Brian sits up, reaches for the bottle. A look of
disappointment.

CATHERINE
I think it’s empty.
BRIAN
Near.
CATHERINE
Just as well. Stuff is so watered
down it tastes like piss.

Review: This part in dialog seems unrealistic so I suggest a rewrite in at least Brian's reaction to Catherine saying i think its empty and then Catherine should follow up with something better to say.

Error:
KATE
(off)
You two got something to do, go do
it.
CATHERINE
No need to be a bitch about it.
KATE
I am a bitch. Proud of it

Review: Once again this has a very unrealistic feel to it. I mean you got Brian and Catherine chillin talking bout absolutely nothing important and then as soon as we do here from Kate from her love affair action thats going on she tells Brian and Catherine that they need to leave and go somewhere. I mean shouldn't Kate and Vince get a room instead?

Overall this is where I throw in the towel on this story. Just make it more realistic for me please.

Quoted from Vaproductions Error: CATHERINE Really. Won’t do them a lick of good though. They can try. Review: Just put the word "It" before the word wont and after really and this line will be fine.

Not true.  People don't usually talk in grammatically correct English.  When you write dialog this way, it sounds phony.


Phil

Quoted from Vaproductions Just make it more realistic for me please.

Advice from VA will always be taken. Make a monster/creature feature more realistic, Check.

I brought that same point up to VA on another thread.  It's funny...he says it doesn't matter how poorly a script's written, but for some odd reason, he likes his dialogue to be written and spoken in perfect English.

He's got it backasswards.

Quoted from Dreamscale I brought that same point up to VA on another thread.  It's funny...he says it doesn't matter how poorly a script's written, but for some odd reason, he likes his dialogue to be written and spoken in perfect English. He's got it backasswards.

I wonder what would happen if I did have dialog spoken in perfect English. If VA is right, I could pay off all my debts and buy a burger too with a massive script sale  

If you had your dialogue spoken in perfect English, it would read like a pisser/comedy.

You may even be able to get some fries as well.

This script did not work for me.  It didn't float my boat.  It didn't ring my bell.

You wrote a fifteen page script and the first three pages (twenty percent of the script) is a bunch of teens partying.  If you're writing a script this short, you have to hit the ground running.

Once the shit hit the fan, I felt as if you could've ended the story.  Nothing else happened.  The story didn't build for me.  The scene in the pit read like it was something you threw in at the last minute.

I got nothing out of the characters.  They were two dimensional and disposable.  I groan when I read that the four teens were goth and they were partying in a cemetery.  This is just so fuckin' cliche!  Goth people do more than hang out in cemeteries and not every teen who parties in cemeteries are goth.

If you're going to rewrite this, try to kid rid of your orphans.  Doing this will cut half a page off the length.


Phil

The rewrite is going to be subitted tonight with some plot and character switcheroos.

Doggle's above complaint that all he teens are emo goths is part of that. Oddly, as I was rewriting, I didn't read his comment until now. Only one of the four teens (17-1 is now close to goth, alhough Vincent's fake vampire teeth are still around.

For sake of clarity, the survivors are now simply in a mausoleum, which also holds a makeshipt chapel as part of a wing. (This also changes the logline with one word).

The Cult is loosely mentioned, but they havegone on vacation to Maui.

The cell phone problem is taken care of. It was rather easy, seeing how they were in the rain and all, and covered in goop ,mud, blood etc etc. It's more clear here.

Miller has more purpose.
Why they leave the comfort of the Mausoleum.
And a more horror-ish ending.

It should be up in a few days or when Don puts the refreshment up.
To make sure you guys are seeing the revision, (should you choose to) today's date (4302011) is on the end of the pdf file and mentioned on the title page.

And yes, Catherine is Catherine. Kate is Late and could not make it to the shin-dig. Another lass shall taketh her place.

-D.

Sounds like all good ideas.  I for one will actually give it a another look.

Darren, you might consider hosting your scripts on something like Dropbox, and sending Don the link. That way you can make changes or rewrites whenever you want without bothering him.

Don likes being bothered!