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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Manikin
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Devin and 2 Guests

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  Author    Manikin  (currently 2795 views)
Don
Posted: November 15th, 2016, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Manikin by Gary Manson - Short, Horror - Rick's dreams come true when the soul of his dead brother inhabits a havoc wreaking manikin. 16 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 19th, 2016, 3:41pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 16th, 2016, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Very, very poorly written logline, filled with mistakes.

Incorrect use of periods, commas, apostrophes, and just downright poorly constructed.

I'm not even going to open this up, because I know how bad the writing is going to be.

Sorry, but this ain't gonna fly, bro.
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Gary Manson
Posted: November 16th, 2016, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I am very sorry for missing an apostrophe off the word BROTHER'S. Having said that, I do think your comment is a bit over the top.

Do you not make mistakes? Didn't you ever make mistakes, when you first started writing?

I dare say, there will be some mistakes in the actual script but I am learning....

Encourage, don't discourage.

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Gary Manson  -  November 16th, 2016, 2:55pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 16th, 2016, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Not trying to be mean, Gary, just pointing out that your logline is riddled with mistakes.

It's far from just missing the apostrophe.
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LC
Posted: November 16th, 2016, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary.

Read it and will post some comments later. Just on my way out at the mo'.


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 16th, 2016, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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I read the first page, and as I knew, it is riddled with mistakes, sorry to say.

You need to learn how to use periods and commas, and when to and when not to use either.

Lots of unfilmables and wasted lines.

Just trying to make you aware, bro.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 16th, 2016, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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I took a quick look and Jeff is right, but don't let that discourage you from writing. Readers used to get VERY irritated with me for my grammar and lack of knowledge of especially how to use commas. I've learned a lot since and have many produced scripts by now. I'm still learning how to write properly in English, but it doesn't seem to bother readers as much anymore. So, Jeff is right, but don't get discouraged. Instead, realize that you have to learn these things and set out to become a better writer in order to tell your stories better.  


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Gary Manson
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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Thank you to all who have commented on my second script. Well, at least my lack of knowledge when using punctuation. Some of the comments, I have found to be encouraging. Yes, I am new to writing, and yes I am obviously still learning.

I do, however, understand the need for correct punctuation, in action sequences, but not so much in dialogue.  As we all know, words are often misspelled, due to how actual dialogue is pronounced in today's society. But it is excepted.

The problem I have, and it is just my opinion but surely, only the writer knows how his or her dialogue, should be spoken. So, punctuation is merely subjective and should not detract from what the writer is actually trying to portray.

In short, too much, emphasis, is put on dialogue punctuation?

Cheers

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Gary Manson  -  November 17th, 2016, 6:33am
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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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I would agree it's less important in dialogue. I still haven't decided which is better, write in a character's description that they speak like a southern grit or with a German accent, or actually write the words as they sound. I've done both, but most of the time I do it in the character intro. It's up to the actor and director to decide how the dialogue should be and reading words the way they sound rather than how they are properly spelled, just slows down the read IMHO.  


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Gary Manson
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Angry Bear. Sorry, but I do not know your actual name. I appreciate your comments, though.

Cheers
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Gary, I'm Jeff.

Listen, bro, sure in dialogue words and phrasings may be written differently than they would in action/description lines, but why do you think punctuation would be different?  It wouldn't, as far as I can imagine.

Sure, you can have a character speak in incomplete sentences and the like, but normal punctuation rules will still apply.

Finally, did someone actually say something about your dialogue?  Why did you even bring this up?

Just look at both your logline and first page...do you see the mistakes/problems?  You may not...and others may not as well...but they're there.  Trust me, they are there and you need to learn what's wrong and how to make it right.

Your writing will improve exponentially if you learn these simple, basic rules of writing.
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Gary Manson
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Jeff.

I was merely asking a question about punctuation in dialogue, so I can get a better understanding. I thought, punctuation in dialogue, can cause pauses when the writer doesn't necessarily want a pause, am I right or wrong?

In answer to your question about my logline and first page, yes, I do see mistakes, which I will rectify.

My whole point is, I thought you were a bit abrupt, in your initial comment. I have read two of your scripts today and found, what I consider to be, mistakes but I carried on reading them because I was interested in the script as a whole and what you were writing about.

I don't mind comments about my work, as long as it is constructive. That's how we learn.

Cheers
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JakeJon
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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G,
I liked your "story idea".  Creative!   My opinion, you could work the "Mani" story many different ways.  You're the "story master" here.  Create, create, create.
Not bad for # 2.

Some suggestions:

Pg. 14 " Shawn collared me".   Shawn's already dead,  No?

Pg. 16  (John pauses.  Downs a drink.)   John??  Who's John.

I know.  I'm guilty of the same.  Review, review, review before you submit.

Also, I think your Slugs need work.  

Pg. 13   INT.  LAMBERT COLLEGE - RECEPTION - MORNING - LATER

Maybe,  INT. LAMBERT COLLEGE - DAY

I think you can get location specific in the "Action" (you actually do)  or if you're moving to many rooms in the College, Mini Slug it.   Also, DAY or NIGHT.   Usually, LATER is implied when you move to the next scene.

Take no Prisoners!

JJ




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Dreamscale
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gary Manson
I was merely asking a question about punctuation in dialogue, so I can get a better understanding. I thought, punctuation in dialogue, can cause pauses when the writer doesn't necessarily want a pause, am I right or wrong?


Sure, in dialogue, you'll see ellipses and dashes used to show pauses or being cut off.  But you'll also see them in action/description lines used for various effects.

You'll also see exclamation points used for shouting, which is correct.  When you see them in action/description lines, it's a mistake, IMO, unless it's used with a sound effect.

Otherwise, punctuation should remain constant.


Quoted from Gary Manson
In answer to your question about my logline and first page, yes, I do see mistakes, which I will rectify.

My whole point is, I thought you were a bit abrupt, in your initial comment. I have read two of your scripts today and found, what I consider to be, mistakes but I carried on reading them because I was interested in the script as a whole and what you were writing about.

I don't mind comments about my work, as long as it is constructive. That's how we learn.


We all make mistakes form time to time.  My point is that many times, the writer doesn't realize he's making a mistake.

You read 2 of mine?  Nice.  You should post feedback.  You should always post feedback when you read a script, as it will buy you credibility and more peeps will read and comment on your work.

Writers need to develop a thick skin and understand that everyone is different in how they go about their feedback.  Personally, I tell it like it is/how I see it.  I don't pull my punches.  I can be brutally honest, but it's meant to help, and I hope you understand.

Take care, bro.
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Gary Manson
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Jake, I have gotten so flustered with it all, that I know I have made some stupid mistakes. I haven't got a clue where John came from, I've sorted that out now. Shawn should have been Jack, big mistake, thanks for pointing that out too. I will work on the slugs.

Thank you very much for your comments and help.

Cheers
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