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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Cackle - filmed
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  Author    Cackle - filmed  (currently 4330 views)
Don
Posted: December 2nd, 2016, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cackle by Michael J Kospiah - Short, Horror - A woman and her daughter are awakened by hysterical laughter outside of their rural home. Who would be outside this time of night in the middle of nowhere? And why are they laughing? 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


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A woman hears laughing in the middle of night...


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Don  -  November 14th, 2017, 1:49pm
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spesh2k
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Something I wrote on a whim... been watching a lot of short horror films on Youtube lately. It's of a similar ilk to Smiling Man, Slender Man and short horror films like that. Similar in tone to the Lights Out short film and the Selfie From Hell, though not quite as gimmicky.

But one thing I've noticed in just about every short horror film I've seen on Youtube... the bad guy/ghoul/monster always seems to win. Or it ends semi-ambiguously, suggesting that the worst is ahead for the protagonist, that the monster will most likely win. So I kept that in mind for the ending. I could've ended it at a certain point near the end but I felt some kind of "release" was necessary.

And yes, I'll be the first to say that the title is awful, but I kinda/sorta just whipped this up pretty quickly without giving the title too much thought. Will most likely come up with something cooler sounding.

--Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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LC
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Michael, just a few quick observations. I read it this morning and my computer is not exactly behaving well so...

I love the title. Really: a witch always 'cackles' so I thought it fitting with the creepy tone you're going for here.

On the face of it, someone laughing or cackling outside your house is not a punishable offense but would be scary as hell.  I have a suggestion when she calls the cops: I think the call disconnecting should come from the 911 operator - perhaps she thinks it's a prank. Before the call is abruptly disconnected she could make some remark like: Johnny Smith, if that's you pranking us again, get to bed right this minute or there'll be hell to pay when I speak to your parents!

Or, the small-town cops might discuss Susan might be a little loopy herself, (perhaps recently divorced) might decide they won't waste their time on sending a patrol car out - tell her to relax... be a little patronizing over the phone towards her. Or at least take their time getting there. You know: 'Suppose we'd better check it out...' This could ramp up the suspense in a different way i.e., that Susan and Carol Anne are now stranded with no help coming from the people who are supposed to legally give it.

It just feels a little too easy in a way otherwise. And a classic horror trope that the Man disconnects the wires of the phone line or has some supernatural talent to do so. I wasn't fond of the cops saying 'we literally just had another call' that dialogue didn't sit with me well.

Carol Anne? Is that an ode to another very well known horror character? You could call the mother: Laurie.

COP#1
We stopped by. Everything checked
out fine. They didn’t seem too
spooked by it.


How about if the cop says: We stopped by. Nancy and Bob and the boys are just fine. Just fine. Ironically of course, they're not.

Couple of nitpicks with the writing:

Susan holds the kitchen knife into his chest.
I'd use a much more active word like 'plunges' the knife into the Man's chest. 'Holds' just gave me the first impression that Susan is just 'holding' the knife out at him, warning him, but she actually plunges it into his chest.

Susan straddles on top of him --
Susan straddles him --
Stabs him repeatedly...'

But the weeping becomes laughter. Hysterical laughter.
Surely you've got to top n tail with 'cackling laughter'? I would. As if the act of doing what she did has now turned her into a lunatic and unbalanced her just like the Man.

I think there are some spots you could tighten up, perhaps edit a little bit...

Overall I love the suspense you build here, Michael. The classic open window - was it open before? The building of suspense, the isolation, the fact Susan is skeptical of Carol Anne's story at first, the Man charging/slamming into the front door - classic stuff. It's all pretty great.

Edit: Just thinking about the 911 Operator and my suggestion. Obviously it couldn't be the fictitious Johnny I made up cause that'd be a young male voice, but it could be such a bad connection she might not be able to hear at all, or it could be a local woman known for getting on the tipple. Either way my suggestion is an attempt to subvert the usual 'yes, we'll be there right away'. And add to suspense/panic of mom and daughter



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JakeJon
Posted: December 4th, 2016, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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M - Spesh,
I see you out here often (good stuff) so don't hate me for this:  A three sentence Log Line and 2 of them are questions?  Come on M.  Also,  CACKLE (love that word) but maybe a different title?   He laughs, whispers, gibbers, murmurs and finally chuckles but only cackles on page 12.  

I loved the setting and the building suspense.  Great!  Kept this reader into it.

Not certain you needed the O'rourke's BUT their murders didn't detract from the story and added to the suspense so OKAY.
Also, their demise  gave us a glimpse of the "Cackler" and the kind of monster Susan would be dealing with.

Smooth, flawless, action oriented writing.  Loved Carol Anne; Glad she didn't disappear into a TV.

Nice!

JJ
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spesh2k
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Hey Libby,

Thanks for reading (as usual). I COMPLETELY agree in regards to the 911 thing. I was discussing it with a friend last night -- just to have the phone fade out on her felt a little cliche and too convenient. I sorta rushed through this one a little bit and when I got to that part, I cringed a little bit. But I wanted to power through and knock it out so I went about things the easy way. I kinda like the suggestion of the 911 Operator thinking it's a prank. I was thinking of just having the phone die, but that's also a little too easy. Perhaps it would be surreal (and creepy) if the 911 Operator just started laughing? And then hung up? I dunno. Thinking its a prank wouldn't necessarily work because 911 was called by the O'Rourke's about a half hour or so before. And the cops ended up checking it out (which is also why they were at Susan's home so quick - they were kinda/sorta in the neighborhood).

As for the title, I just slapped that name on the script without giving the title much thought. And I hate saying that word for some reason (I'm weird). It doesn't sound right to me. I dunno.


Quoted Text
Susan holds the kitchen knife into his chest.

I'd use a much more active word like 'plunges' the knife into the Man's chest. 'Holds' just gave me the first impression that Susan is just 'holding' the knife out at him, warning him, but she actually plunges it into his chest.


I wrote it like that because the Man was already stabbed OFF SCREEN. We just see his reaction as he rushes forward. He stops and grimaces. Then we see Susan holding the knife into him. The next line is literally her pulling the knife out --

SCCHWFFT!

The Man stops suddenly, at the foot of the bed, his smile now a look of shock.

Susan holds the kitchen knife into his chest.

SCCHWFFT! And yanks it out, blood gushing.


Hey JakeJon,


Quoted Text
I see you out here often (good stuff) so don't hate me for this:  A three sentence Log Line and 2 of them are questions?  Come on M.  Also,  CACKLE (love that word) but maybe a different title?


Yeah, I know, not a huge fan of the log line. I have a different one on Script Revolution that sounds a little bit better. But, with short screenplays, I feel like you have more freedom with the log line. If you put too much into a log line for a short, sometimes it reveals literally the whole story. I wanted to stay away from that. And there's nothing wrong IMO with having two questions... log lines, like screenplays, tend to be a little too formulaic and boring. Wanted to try something else. And I could have easily made it one question by making it one sentence.

As for the title, yeah, I fucking hate it. I cringed when I was typing it on the title page. I'll come up with something cool. I kinda rushed through this script a little bit -- woke up one morning, wrote it in a couple hours and then went back to bed. Didn't turn out too bad, though.

Thanks for checking it out, guys!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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LC
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Just want to add and agree with JJ re the 'whispers' murmers' etc. I'd stick to the cackling even if it just varies in intensity.

I hope you don't lose the title. See what more general consensus is.

I get the visual with the knife now.

Thinking about it some more and reading it again I'd ditch the O'Rourke sequence completely. I suppose it's there to add horror and also to justify Susan's actions in a way, but it stops the momentum of the current action and suspense with Susan and Carol Anne and it's verging on gratuitous, expositional and linear really. It could work as quick flash scenes after the main story with the cops or even in newspaper inserts with rolling credits... Just pondering alternatives.

I like the idea Susan and Carol Anne are two isolated individuals in peril. I read a Bloodlist script with a similar vibe, mother, two daughters out at their lake house menaced by an intruder. I'll try and look it up and post it here.

Re your comment about the 911 operator laughing hmm, maybe, as long as she finds the story unbelievable and doesn't cackle herself obviously, or you might be nearing cornball territory.

Btw, do they have 911 operators out in the sticks or do you just call the local sheriff?
I got a small-town feel to this and liked that aspect.

You can probably guess I'm a fan of suspense and horror, rather than straight up gore.

Love the Cackle title, if I haven't said already.


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MarkItZero
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Hey Michael, wasn't really a fan of this one. Writings good. But I couldn't get behind the characters. Just seemed like a very generic mother/daughter without anything to make them stand out. If we're talking a two page horror short I can forgive that, but twelve pages I think warrants at least something character-wise.  

Just off the top of my head...

Maybe the daughter has a habit of lying and Susan excoriates her for making up the laughing man. And since they're in a secluded house in the woods, maybe you take the angle of Susan being an extreme loner. Or in some way disconnected from the outside world or in a distressed mental state.

It could open up the possibility that this whole thing is in her head. It does already have a surreal quality to it (with the phone suddenly going to static, the laughing man wearing a top hat, etc.)

Also, I really didn't like her opening the door and asking this freaky guy what he wants. I guess in horror movies people always do stupid things. And if it was some teenager maybe I could accept it. But a grown woman trying to protect her daughter, no way she's stupid enough to open the door. She would just keep trying the police and wait inside with the knife in the meantime.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Grandma Bear
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You seem to be getting some great feedback on the story already so, I will make a comment from a filmmakers POV. Not that I'm an expert in that area at all, but I know you want this to be produced and you to get paid, so that is my aim here.

IMHO, I would ditch the O'Rourke scene here. It doesn't add much to the story. If you can think of a way to add that without showing it, that would help the producibility a LOT. Why? As is, that scene requires not only a second location, but also four more actors AND two are kids AND there's a lot of blood. That shit is hard to clean up! Like I said, that scene just doesn't warrant the time, effort and cost of what it adds to the whole.

Other than that...spooky stuff!

Good Luck!  


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spesh2k
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@ Libby

In regards to ditching the whole O'Rourke scene, I see what you're saying. I have an alternate version of this story without it -- it also has a different ending. Taking the O'Rourke scene out, I'd have to take out the ending with Susan giving this weirdo his comeuppance. In the alternate version, I end with Susan realizing that Carol Anne is with her in the room as she's looking at the shadow at the other side of her bedroom door. Then the door slowly opens... then CUTS TO BLACK before anything happens.

It cut down on the script by about 2-3 pages. But it felt just like EVERY single short horror film I see on Youtube -- the monster wins, once again. Or at least it's suggested with a semi-ambiguous ending. Or it ends with that final jump scare.

Not to say this is the most clever horror short, I kinda use most of the same scare tactics those shorts use, a lot of familiar horror tropes. But I thought a release was necessary after all that suspense. It's almost comedic... and that's what I was going for. This laughing "monster" being humanized. Not only that, but getting obliterated by this woman. As for the whole O'Rourke side thing messing with the flow of the story, I disagree. The pacing was deliberate and drawn out up to that point. It wasn't quite in full swing just yet. The monster hasn't even been revealed. The O'Rourke thing is maybe a paragraph or two -- just a visual of them being dead. And I hardly think it messes with the flow or pacing of the story. Nor do I think it interferes with Susan and her daughter's story -- it's used to show the audience what kind of danger may lie ahead for this woman and her daughter. The audience knows something that the characters do not know. I understand having the audience "be there" with Susan and Carol Anne, see what they see, know what they know. Or what they don't know. And what you don't know can be scary, I get it. But if you know something bad could or is about to happen to somebody, and there's nothing you can do about it but watch, isn't that suspenseful, too? I dunno, just a thought.

@Pia
Now, in regards to removing the O'Rourke side story for production purposes, I get you. And I know you've been producing some shorts lately. But if you're using a house, as one would be used for "Cackle", you can easily use one location and make it look like two. Susan and Carol Anne's house, all we see is the kitchen, the front door and bedroom. The O'Rourke thing takes place in a living room. Essentially, you don't need a whole another location, you just need another room. I do get the blood being messy, but if it's a hardwood floor or tiled floor, you should be fine... just gotta stay away from carpet. As for actors for a short film, I disagree with you on the availability of actors. Even two boys who are almost teenagers... the scene they're in is literally 20 seconds long. It wouldn't require TOO much time for four actors to play dead for a little bit. I don't produce, but I can easily get actors for free, especially for a cheap little short like this. If someone aspires to produce or direct something, it'd probably behoove them to know actors or know how to find actors. I understand scheduling conflicts, etc, but it's 20 seconds of screen time.

@MarkItZero

I get what you mean. I kinda rushed through this, but I wanted this to be a practice in suspense and atmosphere, drawing scenes out -- not exactly a character study, regardless of being 12 pages long or two pages long. To make mother/daughter relationship more complex would require more dialogue, probably. Kinda wanted to keep that to a minimum, focus on atmosphere. Besides, nobody really wants to see a woman and her daughter get killed, right? Even if it's someone they don't know. Well, that's what I was using. Manipulative? Yeah. Generic? Probably. I'm sure it could use work. But there isn't too much to work with in terms of fitting it into what happens in the story. I could probably tweak things a bit, but too much would sacrifice suspense IMO.

I do agree with you on the opening the door thing... maybe I'll change it to her turning on the lights in an attempt to scare the man off. When the man doesn't move, maybe she asks what he wants through the door without opening it... she tells him she's called the cops, yada-yada-yada.

Anyway, thanks again, guys, for checking this out.

--Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


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spesh2k  -  December 5th, 2016, 4:23am
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LC
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Michael, as I always say: feedback is great, but ultimately you are the writer of your story.


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RichardR
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Some notes.

I'm of t he opinion that you can dump the o'roarke scene.  While it reinforces the evil of the bad guy, it makes little sense with the cops saying they checked out the house and they found nothing.  For a moment, I thought you were going to pull a reversal.  Make the cops the monsters and the monster some local loony trying to warn the protag.  

You do a good job of building the story, and I liked the ending.  Mom goes a little psycho on the psycho, and that' s fine with me.  I'm was a little surprised that the psycho didn't arrive with as weapon.  I would think he would have his own knife.

Overall, it's a solid piece.

Best
Richard
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 5th, 2016, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michael, I read your new short.  Sorry to say, I was not impressed.  There are many issues throughout.

Story-wise, as you know, there's very little here.  I'm surprised this took 12 pages, but there are a number of reasons why this is.

1) First of all, the vast majority of your prose is 1 line passages, which isn't a bad thing, but it definitely pads the length and if you read through this carefully, you'll see numerous places where you started a new passage, but didn't need to.

2) You have a ton of scene changes here, which again isn't necessarily a bad thing, but here, it's a little overkill, IMO.  Also, you have several POV scenes and those obviously require an additional 4 lines each.

3) Biggest issue in the length is the repetition, both in actions and in actual wording.  You say the exact same thing many times, sometimes within a few lines of each other, and for me, it really stood out.

For something like this to work, you need some sort of twist, as well as engaging characters.  You have neither here.  Susan and Carol Anne have zero personality...absolutely nothing that makes them unique, memorable, likable, or engaging.  In terms of a unique story or twists, nothing that I can see.

Slugs are very problematic throughout.  Right from the get go, there are issues.  Your main location is called "HOUSE IN THE WOODS", which is too generic and too long to be effective.  When you switch locales, you correctly label the 2nd house as O'ROURKE RESIDENCE.  Susan and Carol Anne's house should be written this way as well.

When you use a sub location in a Slug, you don't want to sue a "/"...just use a "-", as a slash indicates an either or scenario.

Too much use of "CONTINUOUS" as your time element.

You jump back and forth between using Mini Slugs to, to full Slugs, and even hybrid Mini Slugs..

You even used "LATER THAT NIGHT" for 1 time element, when simply "LATER" would suffice.

I agree with the others that the O'Rourke scenes are a mistake.

Not naming your 2 cops is also a mistake, as it just doesn't read well, and gives them a complete throwaway persona.

Personally, I am very against using exclamation points in normal action prose, as it works in an almost comical way.

Using the sound effect "SCCHWFFT" repeatedly made no sense to me.

I completely agree with Libby about the wording "Susan holds the kitchen knife into his chest." being incorrect.  In fact, I found several very awkwardly phrased passages and actions.

That's all I'm going to throw out, but hopefully it will help.

Take care, bro.
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spesh2k
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Hey Jeff,

Thanks for checking it out... I'm pretty sure you've never liked anything I've posted here, going back to The Suicide Theory. But, you're honest and you make good points, so I can't hate on that.

In terms of a lot of the technical stuff, yeah, I got a little bit sloppy with a few things, such as the HOUSE IN THE WOODS slug and some of the wording, the cops not having names. And yeah, the characters were a bit thin. I see a lot of what people are talking about.

I kinda/sorta semi-disagree with you on the twist aspect of this. I also see what you're saying.

But, going back to a lot of the technical stuff, I've gone back and forth with you A LOT on this -- you seem to be really stuck in one particular way of writing a screenplay in terms of the technical aspects. Screenwriting is ALWAYS revolving and you seem to be stuck in a HOW TO screenwriting book from the early 2000's. If you read pretty much every single script that's made the Blood List, Black List, any fucking list that rewards or acknowledges a writer for their shit, I'm pretty sure your head would explode from sheer annoyance. Just based on the technical aspect of their screenplays. And I haven't even mentioned produced screenplays. For instance the use of (-) instead of (/) in slugs... I guess a lot of the pros have it wrong, right? I've seen it a million times. A lot of the other shit you mention... seen it a million times. In pro scripts... which I'd rather emulate. And although it was years ago, I actually do have a feature out on Netflix. And I do get read often by producers. And NOBODY has an issue with the technical shit. If I do get a comment from a producer, they usually comment on how easy the read was (which is big due to their time constraints). If there's an issue, it's the shitty story and the shitty characters.

Sorry, I just get annoyed when people mention technical shit as if I'm a novice. Maybe I just suck and I'm completely off base. I dunno. Maybe Im being overly sensitive. If the story sucks, fine. Characters suck or the overall structure suck, fine. But I feel like, after 15 years, I should be past most of the technical basics.  Maybe it's time to stop coming to websites like this and posting screenplays.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


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spesh2k  -  December 5th, 2016, 6:19pm
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LC
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Michael, imh, no it isn't - time to stop posting...

We're a community of writers if nothing else and that has its benefits. Exposure being one huge benefit. I'd like a dollar too for every time I've seen a script/story not get glowing reviews and it gets picked up quick smart.

You've said yourself in the past you've got very helpful opinions/feedback.

You stated your case to Jeff. You stated why you don't agree with him.. Jeff has his own opinion. Both views can surely be respected. I got so much diverse  feedback on Mollycoddled it kinda spun me out cause I was left thinking : what the hell do I do with it now? I know when I've nailed something and perhaps I haven't with that one... However, I know there's also some good stuff in it and I enjoyed and felt compelled to write it. It's far from earth shattering. There might be a better perfect ending for it too that I haven't come up with. For now I've left it as is.

I remember when Dave (eldave) first posted The Beginning Of The End Of The End he copped a fair bit of 'technical' flak. He's now in the running for the big one in PAGE with that very script I think...

Similarly, you are a produced writer with The Suicide Theory.

As always, story is key.

Weigh up the story feedback is my advice, then decide for yourself.


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spesh2k
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I don't mind criticism about the story, characters, structure, etc. I probably didn't put enough thought into this one. It took me an hour or two to write, so I'm not emotionally attached to it but I will consider the changes suggested. But, the technical stuff (unless it's absolutely glaring or a typo or something along those lines) is borderline insulting. It's actually making me reflect on my so-called writing "career", making me wonder why, after all this shit with The Suicide Theory, the theater release, Netflix, why I'm still posting stuff on here, hoping someone sees it and likes it. I get read by producers, and it's not through this site like it used to be back in the day. It's through people who know people I know, friend of a friend, etc. I've had several options in the past few years and even made some nice change with a few of those options, but I haven't had another produced film since The Suicide Theory. And it fucking kills me inside. And then I post stuff on here and I kinda feel pathetic that I STILL have to read comments about the basic technical aspects of my work.

I feel like I need to move on from this site in order to move on with my career, at least in terms of posting work on here. I have a core group of people I can go to for feedback, not sure why I worry about the volume of the feedback so much. I've been posting stuff on here since 2007 and the fact that I'm still posting on here makes me feel like I'm in the same spot career-wise as I was 10 years ago.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Grandma Bear
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Jeff is a stickler for the technical stuff. We all know this. Most of us also know that not many people in the industry other than script gurus care. Story is king. Like Robert McKee said, everyone is looking for a great story. I believe that 100%.

I optioned The Hit in January. It's on imdbPro now. They read the vomit draft! Worts and all. They didn't care. They liked the general story, optioned it and asked for two rewrites and the last draft was pretty great, IMO.

I love Jeff and and consider him a good friend, but he does get stuck on the technical stuff a lot of the times. The technical "rules" have changed a lot over the years. Story and character is really what matters. For those who read a lot of pro scripts this is very obvious.

Don't stop posting scripts here. The comments are free, even if we don't always like them.



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spesh2k
Posted: December 5th, 2016, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, the comments are free, but I have enough peers with varying degrees of success that I can go to for free feedback, many who I've met on this site. I'm just tired of the Screenwriting for Beginners bullshit. It doesn't put me in a positive place and kinda makes me feel like I've become complacent a bit with where I'm at in my career.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Dreamscale
Posted: December 6th, 2016, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Wow...really?

Sorry about sharing my thoughts on your work, Michael.  You did put a whole hour into it, so I must be way off base on my feedback.

I should have just said what many do - Great work!  Solid effort!

Unbelievable, bro...simply unbelievable.
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Kirsten
Posted: December 9th, 2016, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Hi Michael,

I liked this, I could tell from the writing you were trying to build atmosphere and suspense. To be honest I didnt realise it was you who wrote it. I sent you a message about watching suicide theory..and liking it.....yadda yadda...so of course I went through with a fine tooth comb, because finally I have some time to do a thorough critque...but from reading your frustrations about technical comments etc, I have actually learnt something. Ive learnt that at the end of the day if it is a great story, makes sense, flows well, is written well, a producer or director likes it and wants to produce it then its fine. I have been listening to as much scriptwriting advice and lessons as I can on utube and podcasts, and trying to get a feel for whats needed. And ive learnt that good writing and fantastic story and/or characters is the key....and im still learning....and learning... plus I read produced scripts and each one is different with its layout, so how the hell do I learn how to write 'techiqically correct' when the rules keep changing.As long as the basics are applied and it reads easily and quickly, then what the hell....

I gathered the characters werent the main focus, I was even going to comment about why do we need to know that she has white skin and a ballarina body lol..... I could see from what you were doing that the creepy man was the focus and you pulled that off well.  

I didnt have an issue with the o'rouke scene. I actually liked it. It gave me more info about the creepy man.... I got the feeling that he was supernatural but obviously killable... if I didnt have that info I would have been wondering more about who the hell this guy was and it would have felt generic to me... just some freaky thing at the door... knowing what hes capable of enriched his character.

I agree with others about her opening the door, and the cops mentioning eveything is fine in the neighbourhood...
I was satisfied with the ending and liked that she becomes a crazed laughing creepy person like him.... I did wonder if maybe he was possessed by a crazy demon and now she was.......

This would be a good piece for a producer/director who likes atmospheric,, horror driven shorts....

Anyways, you are definately on the right track, you know people in the industry and you have a produced feature film.... you are set, just keep pumping them out......

look forward to the next one..

Oh P.S.... Carol Anne....If you dont answer your parents your going to get a real spanking from both of us....
One of my favourite movies


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Warren
Posted: December 9th, 2016, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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I wasn't a fan of this one, seemed long with very little substance.

There was some great tension built throughout but as a whole I think it fell flat.

The twist feels less like a twist and more like an extension of the story.

I think you went overboard with the ellipses, not from a technical standpoint but form a , they annoyed the hell out of me and slowed the read standpoint.

I'm just an amateur who doesn't have a feature on Netflix or producers reading my work all the time, or successful friends to read my work, like 99% of SS users, so what do I know.

I feel there are some generally insulting comments to all the writers on here.

Good luck with it.


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spesh2k
Posted: December 10th, 2016, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey Warren,

Thanks for the read. Not insulted at all by your comments as it pertained to story, characters, etc. As for the ellipses, I use them to draw out certain moments but it's possible I went overboard. I get insulted when I'm being told something isn't correct in terms of basic formatting shit, when it is. But because I'm not doing it in a way that another writer was taught, they see it as wrong. Which is ridiculous. As far as the characters, yeah, they're thin and could use work. This may be the least clever thing I've ever written. But sure enough, it got picked up... I've written shorts that have placed high in competitions, were more complete and clever and I struggle to get those made, which bothers me. Whatever, screenwriting is a shitty business as it is. To say I'm far off with my formatting is just off base IMO. And insulting. Which is why I will not post any more work on amateur writing discussion boards. I have enough people I can go to for honest feedback without having to sift through comments about formatting. And yeah, a lot of writers on here have complained about people commenting on their formatting. But really, if you've read my shit, you'd know my formatting isn't that of a novice.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


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spesh2k  -  December 10th, 2016, 5:57am
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spesh2k
Posted: December 10th, 2016, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Jeff,

You gave your opinion of the story. Which is fine. You didn't like it. I get it. But to give me a Screenwriting 101 lesson on formatting as if I just bought some screenwriting software and started typing some shit up aimlessly, with no regard for any basic screenwriting rules... it's just insulting. Especially when you pass it off as fact. I have no problem with an opinion. But stating something as fact is not an opinion. Formatting is important, not trying to say it isn't. But I'm not making up my own rules as I go along. And I'm not saying the way you format a screenplay is wrong. I'm saying that telling me I'm wrong and stating that as fact, is wrong. I'm not a screenwriting guru by any means... for Christ sake, I just wrote a short script with absolutely no character development. But to say that I'm so far off base with my formatting is ridiculous. And yes, insulting. It's like if I were to take a test (work related or maybe as part of a college course) and passed... but was given an "F" because the teacher said I didn't hold my No. 2 pencil correctly, like they teach you in kindergarten. Again, giving your opinion is one thing. I don't mind that. Even with the structure of some of my sentences (writing can always be polished) like you said. That's fine. The generic scene heading, HOUSE IN THE WOODS... that's also fine. But to tell me that scene headings need a dash and not backslashes and shit of that nature... it's very insulting. That's something you tell a beginner. That's like telling a grown man who smokes cigarettes, "You know, smoking can cause cancer, right?" It's FUCKING ANNOYING.

And no, I'm not anywhere close to where I would love to be career-wise, but I didn't start writing yesterday. And to pass off your "opinion" as gospel is harmful to other writers who don't know any better. Then they go around, telling everyone else they're wrong... it's just an endless cycle. There is a proper way to format a screenplay, yes. But I'm not some fucking renegade/rebel screenwriter giving my middle finger to the rules. I properly format my shit.

You can tell my story and my characters to go fuck themselves for all I care. Whatever. But to tell me, that when it comes to basic shit, that I don't know what I'm doing, it feels like an insult.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
spesh2k  -  December 10th, 2016, 6:40am
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Abe from LA
Posted: December 10th, 2016, 3:39am Report to Moderator
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An interesting piece of work here, Michael. It bothers me some that I don't understand why the events are happening, but it may be your intention not to reveal certain information and I can respect that.
Have you considered telling more of this story from Carrie Anne's POV?

I'm in the minority, bit I say don't lose that O'Rourke scene. Just make it work for you.

I'd like to see you turn 'false scares' into real scares.
I’m referring to —   a shadow at the bedroom door; oh, it’s just Carrie Anne. But if you’re going to do this, then take it to the next step.
Minutes later, Carrie Anne is in bed with Mom, when another shadow appears at the door. But it's not the Cackler. What if it is exactly what Susan suspected in this version: one of the damn O'Rourke boys.

Could be interesting.
Have some fun as this kid is scaring the shit out of Susan and CA. Once Susan figures out its this kid, he can hightail it out of the house. Back to the O'Rourke home.

This gives you a way to organically incorporate that home-invasion murder scene.
What if the Cackler is still at the O'Rourke home? You have just sent this mischievous little brat home to a danger, with the killer still there.

Can you envision Susan calling the O'Rourkes to complain about their son. This is where we might scene the destruction. And then the Cackler answers the phone. And listens...
You get what I'm going for. Using elements that you have already introduced to create more suspense and terror.

I have this theory that good writers leave nuggets of wisdom (brilliance?) in their scripts. Sometimes without realizing it.  Maybe it's instinctive.  I think the O'Rourke kid/home murder is that nugget.
Such a scene would mean Susan unwittingly directs the monster to her home.  I like mechanisms which sends a protag to the story's real horror. Think Hitchcock's Psycho:   Marion Crane on the lam after stealing bank money. there is a lot of suspense in a woman who makes one wrong move, and compounds that by pulling into the Bates Motel. Plunges into the real nightmare.
I don't know. What do you think?

The ending left me a little baffled.  Does good really triumph over evil? When Susan goes a bit crazy, I got the impression that she then becomes the monster. Maybe just the way I read it.  Was there a transference of evil? Not a bad idea, since the Cackler operates without a strong sense of logic.  It could be pure Evil run amok.

Another thought, what if you end with the daughter cackling? Maybe the Evil enters a new host. I can see a final scene with a bloody Susan freezing when she hears her daughter cackling, and the frame stays on mom's horrified expression.

Regardless, I had fun with this short. It does feel a little hollow, but that's what rewrites are for. Good luck.

I might be in the minority, but say keep the O’Rourke scene. But seque organically into that scene so it builds on the suspense, while propelling the story.
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LC
Posted: December 11th, 2016, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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I had a feeling it'd get picked up.

Scary stuff sells. It's a fact.

On ya, Michael.


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 12th, 2016, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k
Jeff,

You gave your opinion of the story. Which is fine. You didn't like it. I get it. But to give me a Screenwriting 101 lesson on formatting as if I just bought some screenwriting software and started typing some shit up aimlessly, with no regard for any basic screenwriting rules... it's just insulting. Especially when you pass it off as fact. I have no problem with an opinion. But stating something as fact is not an opinion. Formatting is important, not trying to say it isn't. But I'm not making up my own rules as I go along. And I'm not saying the way you format a screenplay is wrong. I'm saying that telling me I'm wrong and stating that as fact, is wrong. I'm not a screenwriting guru by any means... for Christ sake, I just wrote a short script with absolutely no character development. But to say that I'm so far off base with my formatting is ridiculous. And yes, insulting. It's like if I were to take a test (work related or maybe as part of a college course) and passed... but was given an "F" because the teacher said I didn't hold my No. 2 pencil correctly, like they teach you in kindergarten. Again, giving your opinion is one thing. I don't mind that. Even with the structure of some of my sentences (writing can always be polished) like you said. That's fine. The generic scene heading, HOUSE IN THE WOODS... that's also fine. But to tell me that scene headings need a dash and not backslashes and shit of that nature... it's very insulting. That's something you tell a beginner. That's like telling a grown man who smokes cigarettes, "You know, smoking can cause cancer, right?" It's FUCKING ANNOYING.

And no, I'm not anywhere close to where I would love to be career-wise, but I didn't start writing yesterday. And to pass off your "opinion" as gospel is harmful to other writers who don't know any better. Then they go around, telling everyone else they're wrong... it's just an endless cycle. There is a proper way to format a screenplay, yes. But I'm not some fucking renegade/rebel screenwriter giving my middle finger to the rules. I properly format my shit.

You can tell my story and my characters to go fuck themselves for all I care. Whatever. But to tell me, that when it comes to basic shit, that I don't know what I'm doing, it feels like an insult.


Sorry, didn't see this rant until just now...so I'll respond.

I completely disagree with what you're saying here, and if necessary, could go line by line and explain exactly why.  But that's not a good way to spend my Monday morning.

But, I will say a a few things...

I've reread my post and don't see anywhere where I spoke as if my word was gospel or fact.  If something is incorrect, it's incorrect and that's all there is to it.

Secondly, it's kind of funny that you say I'm preaching down to you on Screenwriting 101 formatting issues, as they're obviously much higher than the 101 course, and you don't seem to even understand why what you have here is so riddled with errors.

You saying it's fine to use a "/" as opposed to a "-" in a Slug is ludicrous.  Slashes are used, but not in the way you're using them here.  As I said earlier, a Slash refers to either or, or both, which do show up in Slugs.  INT/EXT, LIVING ROOM /DINING ROOM, KITCHEN/DINETTE.  You can't agree you made a mistake on this?

Peeps get away with all sorts of blatant mistakes and downright horrendous writing, but that's really because the peeps reading the shit don't know any better, which is the same reason peeps make the mistake in the first place - they don't know any better.

I'm just trying to enlighten you a bit, bro.  It can't hurt your writing, and really can only help.  The only thing it can and seems to have hurt is your ego, and I'm sorry about that.




Revision History (1 edits)
spesh2k  -  December 13th, 2016, 10:19am
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alffy
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Hey Michael.

Loved the title, which is what made me read this.

There's a great atmosphere to this piece, very claustrophobic.

I wasn't sure about the phone call from Susan to the O'Rouke's, especially at such a late hour.  I did like the O'Rouke scene though.

I quite liked the end but I did think Susan was going to succumb to the hands of the laughing man, and so was about suggest ending the story when his shadow was behind the door, leaving his actions to our imagination, but of course that's not how it played out. Susan laughing was a strong image to end on though.

Overall, I enjoyed this and didn't have any major concerns either with the story, or the format


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Don
Posted: October 22nd, 2017, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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From Jeff Easley, who has directed Like a Moth to the Flame, Writer's Block and Coffee Maker from Hell


Hi Don!

Just letting you know, I've filmed Michael J. Kospiah's script "Cackle". I'm in post now and should have it uploaded soon.

Jeff Easley


http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6599850/
https://vimeo.com/jeffeasley


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Don
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A woman hears laughing in the middle of night...


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Marty
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Michael,

Congratulations.

That was awesome.

All the best,
Marty
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Warren
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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I feel the same way about the film as I did the script, not for me.

What on earth is it actually about? It really has no context.

It looks great but that's where it ends for me.

Also, talk about butchering a script. This is barely a skeleton of the original work.


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Pale Yellow
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Congrats Michael. This was creepy. I liked it. I never read the script but love the film.

Good job.
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spesh2k
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dena!

Don't really visit SS much anymore, been busy with a horror feature that's in development called "They Never Left" (with leads and director attached - in talks with a few EP's and line producers as we speak). And before that, my schedule was busy producing a proof-of-concept/short version of the film. Making the short was more of a pain in the ass than getting the feature off the ground (so far), but I won't be exec. producing the feature (thankfully).

Plus, especially after I had a script stolen from this website in the past year, I don't post work publicly anymore. Regardless of having it copyrighted, it's still too much of a hassle.

As for "Cackle", it's simply a micro short in the style of most micro horror shorts all over Youtube. Just like the short version of "Lights Out" or "Cop Cam" or "Moonlight Man". It's just a gimmicky little micro horror short with no purpose other than to provide scares and atmosphere... although this was more humorous than creepy. It was simplified to get it under 5 minutes, no dialogue, even less of a narrative story. But I like the way it turned out, Jeff has really improved as a filmmaker. Working with him again on the next short.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Don
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k
Thanks Dena!

Don't really visit SS much anymore, been busy with a horror feature that's in development called "They Never Left" (with leads and director attached - in talks with a few EP's and line producers as we speak). And before that, my schedule was busy producing a proof-of-concept/short version of the film. Making the short was more of a pain in the ass than getting the feature off the ground (so far), but I won't be exec. producing the feature (thankfully).

Plus, especially after I had a script stolen from this website in the past year, I don't post work publicly anymore. Regardless of having it copyrighted, it's still too much of a hassle.

As for "Cackle", it's simply a micro short in the style of most micro horror shorts all over Youtube. Just like the short version of "Lights Out" or "Cop Cam" or "Moonlight Man". It's just a gimmicky little micro horror short with no purpose other than to provide scares and atmosphere... although this was more humorous than creepy. It was simplified to get it under 5 minutes, no dialogue, even less of a narrative story. But I like the way it turned out, Jeff has really improved as a filmmaker. Working with him again on the next short.

-- Michael


Michael,

Sorry to hear that you've had a bad experience on the site. Visit this link and I can remove your work from the site.

Thanks,

Don


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spesh2k
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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I want to keep it up as proof just in case things end up in a courtroom. Not sure if you're aware, but I've had quite an experience dealing with this Frankie Hopkins guy who has a reputation of stealing work and passing it off as his own (his real name is Patrick Rasmussen). The script in question was "Morphine", which was optioned/sold in 2013, so it's pretty much in the production company's hands if and when they decide to take action. Which would only be if there's proof of funding for the film in question and/or the film is produced. He ended up going to jail for a few months, but now he's back out and is up to his usual tricks. His Instagram and Twitter pages both say, "Writer/Director of Morphine, coming soon". We'll see where this goes, but I got legal advice from a lawyer friend of mine and was also advised by the production company to keep the script and all of it's comments up for the time being as it documents when I posted the script and exhibits proof (outside of the obvious copyright) that this, in fact, was my own work.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AnthonyCawood
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Hi Michael,

Congrats on Cackle, looks good!

Sorry to hear you are still having issues with that idiot over Morphine - nightmare!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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spesh2k
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, still going through it with that guy. Since April. I'm confident it will work itself out. Eventually.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Jeremiah Johnson
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Quoted from spesh2k
Yeah, still going through it with that guy. Since April. I'm confident it will work itself out. Eventually.


Sorry about your troubles with Morphine.  You're right, it'll all work out.  I liked the short, but won't let my wife watch it because she won't sleep at all tonight!  Good luck with the feature.  


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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