Beneath The Pier by Luke Anthony Walker - Short, Horror - After John hears a local tale about a haunted pier, he decides to pay it a visit and check things out for himself. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Luke,

Interesting story, kept me interested until the very end. I especially liked the stinger at the end. Gave me the chills a little bit, so great job there.

This was exceptionally well written and paced, moved along quite well. Very easy to visualize everything.

***SPOILERS***

My only complaint is the dialog at the end. It's very on the nose. You are telling the audience what happened when you need to show us. Be more vague.

Also, and this is a bit of a nitpick, if he drowned his wife in the hotel bathtub, how did he get her corpse to the pier without anyone noticing?

I enjoyed this. Good story with a satisfying conclusion. Thanks for the chills.

~Zack~

Hi Luke

I liked this, the beginning was good, little bit of humour with the ghost tour guide stomping his foot....nice. its well written, easy read.creepy death at the end... My only issue was the dialogue, like Zack mentioned. Maybe a shot of hands in a tub around a girls neck, to show us what he did... quick flashbacks?

Anyway nice work.....

Hey Zack and Kirsten.

Thanks for taking the time to read and post feedback on the screenplay, always very much appreciated.

I think you're right about the on the nose dialogue at the end. I did consider show the incident as a flashback at the end, along with a  small flashback when he visits the hotel room.

I thought the same as you Zack. How did he get her body out of the hotel without anyone seeing. There is a subtle hint but maybe too subtle. When he steps out onto the balcony he leans over the edge and looks down at the short drop below. He dumped her body over the balcony, thats how he got her out.

Bit of a re-write and I think I can work out these issues.

Thanks again guys.

Luke

Some notes.

SPOILERS

I liked the beginning, although I think you should jump into the scene later.  When the guide is finishing his spiel.

I'm not sure by John would be there.  Obviously, he knows Claire didn't die there, so why would she haunt that place?  Why not room 17?  The info dump at the end didn't work for me.  Besides, when you think about it, the coroner would know whether she drowned in the bathtub of the ocean, the difference between salt and fresh water.  Of course, if you think about it.  Having John going back to room 17 after his confession might just bring back Claire to kill hm--in the room.

Best
Richard