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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Getaway
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  Author    Getaway  (currently 2413 views)
Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Getaway by Brian Lewis - Short, Horror - Murdering her husband was the easy part.  Now, after a chance encounter, Mary fears she might night survive the night. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for putting this up!

This is a work of mine from years ago but I recently rediscovered it and wanted to test the waters to see if it was worth revisiting or if t belongs back in the file cabinet. 🙂


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Zack
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds interesting. I'll give it a look tonight and give you my thoughts. Heads up though, there's a typo in the logline. The first "night" should be "not" if I'm not mistaken.

~Zack~

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Zack  -  January 23rd, 2017, 6:20pm
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Zack
Posted: February 8th, 2017, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry it took so long to review this.

Some overly descriptive action lines almost right away. Remember... Show, don't tell.

Dialog is alright, but not as good as some of your other shorts. Some of it is quite on the nose.

Some odd descriptions that don't work IMO.

Page 6: A knife SLASHES through the younger woman's ankle, twisting.

How can you twist a knife if you are slashing at someone? I think SLASHES should be STABS.

This was a pretty good spin on the slasher genre, although I would have liked to see the masked man show up at the end as well, maybe attack the state trooper? I think I prefer "Pick Up" to this one. Either way, good job.

~Zack~

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Zack  -  February 10th, 2017, 4:17pm
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stevemiles
Posted: February 10th, 2017, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Brian,

This one didn’t quite click for me, though admittedly slasher isn’t my go to for horror - they all seem to play out to similar beats.  There’s enough action to pull me through and though it’s handled well I felt a little empty handed come the payoff.  I could get with (and enjoyed) the set-up - the murdered husband haunting Mary as she tries to get away.  But the moment the masked killer turned up it seemed to function more as an aside.  For me it was a more interesting idea than the random campsite massacre.  

The chance encounter felt like a stretch.  Fans of that genre might get more out of it.  I wonder if you could be having more fun with the idea over delivering it as a straight slasher?

If Mary’s actions somehow set in motion the means for her demise/capture (with less coincidence at play) then it could swing back around to a sweeter payoff.  Entertaining but all a bit too random for me - though again it’s a question of taste.

Hope this helps,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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