Hey Kirsten,

Interesting story. My kinda thing. For the most part, I really dig it.

My only suggestion is to find a way for the mom to discover that Ethan isn't the real date at the end. Maybe she comes by Kateys phone and sees a picture of Katey and her real date. I don't know. But I like like it either way.

Good stuff.

~Zack~

Hey Zack, thanks for the read!

I like your suggestion, kind of an extra whammy....

Hey Kirsten,

Solid story, simple and nice twist. Good short!

Thanks Jamie, thanks for the read and glad you liked it......

Nice short, Kirsten.

I liked this one.

Not much left to say that wasn't said before...

The only thing that confused me from the beggining (or I found a little out of place) was the thing with the eyeliner, the rest of the beggining made pretty good sense given the ending...

My only suggestion is that would be awesome if you can rewrite the last scene a little so Ethan leaves with Katie and then the mother is who comes out (for exemple to give Katie something she forgot... maybe the purse?) and finds Justin. I think it would give a little push to a turn I already liked (I didn't see it coming even when I already suspected Ethan was a weird).

Best of lucks with this one.

Pretty solid.

Kirsten

Great opening page here, setting up with the Ethan character and a glimpse into his world/mind frame by purely visual means, the pins in Katey’s photo to the state of the living room. His exposed, passed out mother reminded me of that scene in Manchester By the Sea. All in all a good example of conveying so much without hardly anything being said.

Nice twist that although Ethan appears to have it in for Katey he is her date for the prom, a welcome one at that. I sense some vengeance or rug pulling afoot...

Ah, I see, I probably should’ve copped it when Mrs. Williams said “...nice to finally get to meet you”. I thought when he went out to get the phone that he was going to ditch her as payback for some indiscretion she committed against him in the past. Alas, it is altogether more darker and calculating than that.

Fairly decent for a 5 pager, it caught me by surprise so I have to give you plaudits for that, an effective sleight of hand. You packed a lot in here for such a short piece.

Is it twisted of me to desperately want to know what happens after the fade out? Best to leave it to our imagination I guess.

Col.

Hi Phil and Col! sorry I didn't see these posts till just now. Thanks heaps for your read and pointers.

PHIL, the eyeliner thing was just another way to show his personality a tiny bit. It was to convey he does theatre and likes being somebody else, he's kind of putting his makeup on to go do his thang... then deciding not to.... thats why I placed theatre costumes and a poster of a school production on the wall. I suppose in hindsight I could have made it more clearer.

A film student is producing this at the moment so looking forward to seeing it..

COL, yah theres alot of subtleties in this one and no you're not twisted, imagine away I was hoping the last scene showing the terrified look on her face screaming with hands slammed up against the glass was a good hint at how horrible the rest of her night was going to be....  

Thanks again guys! Much appreciated!

Hi Kirsten,

Quite liked this, would be super easy to make. Definitely didn’t see the twist coming. I mean I knew something wasn’t right, obviously, but at no point did I think that was it.

Wouldn’t be surprised if it gets picked up.

Some grammar issues, but it looks like they have already been mentioned.

Also missing page numbers for some reason. It’s not world ending but it is noticeable.

Good job.

Quoted from Kirsten A film student is producing this at the moment so looking forward to seeing it..

- Nice one, I would be curious to see how it turns out. Keep us posted.

Didn’t read the film student producing part. Congrats again!

Hi Duncan,

Thanks for your comments, I'm glad you liked it

Quoted from Kirsten A film student is producing this at the moment so looking forward to seeing it..

Congrats, Kirsten!

Thanks Phil

There’s very little conflict if not any at all and there’s nothing to the characters they all seem one note no personality and we have no idea who they are.  



  Not my cup of tea.

Maybe balance your review Marty with something you do like as well?

Funny all the comments this got with 'no comments required'  - maybe that was a mistake considering the back and forth convo.