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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Giggles
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  Author    Giggles  (currently 1646 views)
Don
Posted: August 19th, 2017, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Giggles by Tyler King - Short, Horror - A single mother thinks she hears her deceased young boy giggling one night while she is in bed...or is it something more sinister? 5 pages

production:  Micro budget, single location - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 20th, 2017, 10:40am
revised draft
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Tyler King
Posted: August 19th, 2017, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this posted!
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eldave1
Posted: August 19th, 2017, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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My thoughts:

Writing was okay - no major errors but nothing that really popped off the page. A bit pedestrian I guess is what I'm looking for.

Keeping in mind that this is my least favorite genre, I have read some I liked. But I wasn't taken in by this story. It has a unrewarding thread for me. In a nutshell:

SPOILERS


  • A woman hears giggles (ghost-like) of her murdered child.

    Flashback to the murder and the villain/demon that did the deed along with some basis for the mother's guilt having left her child unattended for a moment.

    Present day - the mother hears the mysterious giggling - the villain shows up in her closet.


It struck me as surprise/horror for surprise/horror's sake (kind of like a common ghost story).  Couldn't grasp what it was this demon wanted with the mother - why he wouldn't have just taken her when he took the boy, why he came back? . And the closet a way too convenient (and tired) of a hiding place.

So I think at the core there is something. A mother's guilt over her perceived failure to protect her child.  That is rich for development.  If she lost a little bit of her sanity from this and as a result saw illusions of evil everywhere (due to her depression/paranoia) and had to find a way to break that cycle - it might be something. As is - the story thread just didn't do it for me.

Hope this helps


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Tyler King
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
My thoughts:

Writing was okay - no major errors but nothing that really popped off the page. A bit pedestrian I guess is what I'm looking for.

Keeping in mind that this is my least favorite genre, I have read some I liked. But I wasn't taken in by this story. It has a unrewarding thread for me. In a nutshell:

SPOILERS


  • A woman hears giggles (ghost-like) of her murdered child.

    Flashback to the murder and the villain/demon that did the deed along with some basis for the mother's guilt having left her child unattended for a moment.

    Present day - the mother hears the mysterious giggling - the villain shows up in her closet.


It struck me as surprise/horror for surprise/horror's sake (kind of like a common ghost story).  Couldn't grasp what it was this demon wanted with the mother - why he wouldn't have just taken her when he took the boy, why he came back? . And the closet a way too convenient (and tired) of a hiding place.

So I think at the core there is something. A mother's guilt over her perceived failure to protect her child.  That is rich for development.  If she lost a little bit of her sanity from this and as a result saw illusions of evil everywhere (due to her depression/paranoia) and had to find a way to break that cycle - it might be something. As is - the story thread just didn't do it for me.

Hope this helps


Thank you for taking the time to read this, eldave. I really appreciate it and I will take your comments/suggestions into consideration when I come back to this for a rewrite...I think my problem sometimes is that I think "too simple" without expanding. Like for instance with this script, the simple scenario is the fact that this creepy man is hiding in the mom's closet... That's the scariest part for me, IMO. So I kind of just wrote around that idea. But my issue is that I don't expand on the ideas... I do need to work on that. I'm trying though, it's a work in progress with me.
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eldave1
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tyler King


Thank you for taking the time to read this, eldave. I really appreciate it and I will take your comments/suggestions into consideration when I come back to this for a rewrite...I think my problem sometimes is that I think "too simple" without expanding. Like for instance with this script, the simple scenario is the fact that this creepy man is hiding in the mom's closet... That's the scariest part for me, IMO. So I kind of just wrote around that idea. But my issue is that I don't expand on the ideas... I do need to work on that. I'm trying though, it's a work in progress with me.


Glad it helped - best of luck with it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi Tyler,

Just going to make notes as I read.

SPOILERS


Quoted Text
OLIVIA, 35, lying on her side in the bed, slowly rolls over
on her back, turning her head toward the bedroom door.


This is passively written. I think it would be better as:

OLIVIA, 35, lies on her side in bed, slowly rolls onto her back.

She turns her head towards the bedroom door.


Quoted Text
Slivers of light peaks through the cracks in the door.


This doesn't read right to me, you sure it's not peak not peaks? I could be wrong.


Quoted Text
listening.


Passive again, Listens will do.

Okay so there seems to be a fair bit of passive writing so I'll stop mentioning it.


Quoted Text
She
closes her eyes as she remembers...
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY (FLASHBACK)
Olivia waters flowers in the spacious fenced-in backyard as a
SMALL CHILD runs around her in circles, laughing and
giggling. This is MASON.


You picked me up for over writing so I'll return the favour. Why say "as she remembers"? The next line says FLASHBACK so clearly she is remembering. Also you introduce Mason twice. Why not just introduce him as Mason the first time round as opposed to SMALL CHILD.

[quoteOLD MAN (V.O.)
Psst!][/quote]

This isn't (V.O.) it's (O.S.), the character is in the scene but not on screen, hence off-screen.


Quoted Text
terrifying features


I assume these features don't matter or you would have told us what they are? Or you are leaving it to a potential producer to decide?

I just realised something, how can the mother remember this exchange between Mason and the old man? She wasn't there, yet this is her flashback. That's a bit of a plot hole.


Quoted Text
Mason relaxes and starts to giggle, too.


Only a few lines earlier this guy had terrifying features but now Mason is giggling with him, seems unlikely. Also how old is Mason? Maybe that would add perspective.


Quoted Text
The glass door slides open and Olivia steps back outside. She
closes the door and looks around.

Mason and the Old Man are gone.


And here is your plot hole.

The giggling child running away is a bit done to death, not just here but in general I mean.

We're back in the closet again, might want to mix it up a bit.

I feel like if you hadn't told me that Mason was dead in the logline I would have thought he was just abducted.

Didn't really understand the motivation for the old guy to be in the closet so the ending is a bit lost on me.

So in summary, I think the passive writing needs to be cleaned up. You need to fix the plot hole and maybe give us a reason why this guy is tormenting this family.

I do think there is something here but it needs a bit of work.

Best of luck.


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Tyler King
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Hi Tyler,

Just going to make notes as I read.

SPOILERS



This is passively written. I think it would be better as:

OLIVIA, 35, lies on her side in bed, slowly rolls onto her back.

She turns her head towards the bedroom door.



This doesn't read right to me, you sure it's not peak not peaks? I could be wrong.



Passive again, Listens will do.

Okay so there seems to be a fair bit of passive writing so I'll stop mentioning it.



You picked me up for over writing so I'll return the favour. Why say "as she remembers"? The next line says FLASHBACK so clearly she is remembering. Also you introduce Mason twice. Why not just introduce him as Mason the first time round as opposed to SMALL CHILD.



This isn't (V.O.) it's (O.S.), the character is in the scene but not on screen, hence off-screen.



I assume these features don't matter or you would have told us what they are? Or you are leaving it to a potential producer to decide?

I just realised something, how can the mother remember this exchange between Mason and the old man? She wasn't there, yet this is her flashback. That's a bit of a plot hole.



Only a few lines earlier this guy had terrifying features but now Mason is giggling with him, seems unlikely. Also how old is Mason? Maybe that would add perspective.



And here is your plot hole.

The giggling child running away is a bit done to death, not just here but in general I mean.

We're back in the closet again, might want to mix it up a bit.

I feel like if you hadn't told me that Mason was dead in the logline I would have thought he was just abducted.

Didn't really understand the motivation for the old guy to be in the closet so the ending is a bit lost on me.

So in summary, I think the passive writing needs to be cleaned up. You need to fix the plot hole and maybe give us a reason why this guy is tormenting this family.

I do think there is something here but it needs a bit of work.

Best of luck.


Thanks for taking the time to read this. Yeah, I understand some of it is written in passive. Such as her "lying in bed" but IMO it reads better that way, because when I write/read it as "she lies in bed" it makes me think that she is just now lying down...where as when I write "lying" - it shows that she is already doing it. I was told that this was ok to do it this way, if that's how you are meant to show it... so yeah. That's why I have some "passiveness" in my script. Not really going to change it. Passive/smassive, as long as you're getting the point across, or so I've been told my others. :p

Thanks for all the other comments though. will take them into consideration with the rewrite. Appreciate the read.
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BSaunders
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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I read it as Mason murdered.

I'm not fussed on writing style, but a lot of people are, so definetly take note of that. For me, If there's story and it's readable, I'm happy.

And there is a story here, but I think you need to elaborate on some things for it to be complete.

After the read I was asking myself a few questions.

Who is this old guy?
Why is he doing this to this family?
And what the fuck is he doing in the closest?

If he's some sort of demon, or ghost, perhaps you could have him in plain sight in the backyard, but only Mason can see him?

Or,

Maybe he's a ghost of someone who used to own the house? This could be shown by simply putting a real estate sign out the front with a sold sticker and then having Mason and his mother packing up some old gear. I.e a picture of the old man with some otherworldy/weird shit.

I'm just spit-balling here, but I hope you catch my drift.


And yeah, as Warren pointed out about the flashback thing, that's an issue that could be fixed by simply making the story non-linear.

Hope this helps

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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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OK, Tyler, Ill give it a go.

FADE IN typically should be left aligned.

Opening scene is problematic for me.  You have 8 passages here, yet not a single hint of a visual of the bedroom."Slivers of light peaks through the cracks in the door." - Lots of issues here.  "peaks" should be "peek".  Why are there cracks in the bedroom door.  What light is turning off?  Where is this "hardwood"?  Why is Olivia "perturbed"?  Unless there is a small child living here with her, she should be afraid...very afraid.  And, if there is a small child living with her, why wouldn't she just call out to him to shut the Hell up and get back in bed?

"In deep thought, Olivia hears the small child GIGGLE. She closes her eyes as she remembers..." - You continually write "the small child", but using "the" is wrong, as it usually is when used in front of something we are not familiar with...or hasn't been intro'd.  Also, as Dave said earlier, when flashing back, you don't want to write about remembering.

Lots of peeps write Flashbacks differently, so I'm not going to sit here and tell you the way you've done it is wrong, but I do want to try and help you get used to writing Flashbacks the best way you can - the way that works every single time, is easiest to understand and follow, and the way that doesn't fuck with your Slugs.

It's easy - when you flashback, simply write, "BEGIN FLASHBACK:"  All scenes that follow will be a Flashback.  When the Flashback is over, simply write, "END FLASHBACK."  At this point, you will be back in the scene where the Flashback begun.  This way, you won't have Slugs that have weird time elements in them (present, flashback, etc.).

The Flashback isn't set up well, as we have no idea how old Olivia is now.

Mason's intro isn't well done, and we have no idea how old he is.

How does Olivia hear this "house phone" inside?  You state to get in, she has to open a sliding glass door, so for me, this is a big issue and one of those things peeps like to do to move their story forward in the direction they've preconceived.  Who even has house phones nowadays?

This whole Flashback is showing things Olivia was not aware of.  The problem is that you're inferring that Olivia is remembering this, and she wasn't outside to see the majority of it.

The old man's dialogue should be "O.S., not V.O.

Lots of passive writing throughout.

What is 'the end of the fence"?  If a yard is fenced in, there's no end to it.

Why is this old man wearing a black cloak?  What are so terrifying about his features?  Is he actually "skeletal"?  I don't think I quite get it.

Lots of giggling and then stopping giggling.

Oh boy...the old candy bar routine?  Really?  What year is this taking place?  This skeleton dude has a candy bar under his black cloak?  No...I don't buy this at all.

You know, the more I try and visualize this scene, the more obvious it is that there are problems - as in, the scene is set as "BACKYARD", but is this skeleton old man thing really in the backyard, too?  I don't think he is, and that's a problem.

"bloody shirt" - OK, so Mason's been kidnapped?  Killed?  Why?

You keep saying "the small child giggles", but there is no small child onscreen...it's merely a sound, so again, using "the" is a mistake.

Now we have unseen stairs here in this house? Remember, in a written script, your readers can only see what you show...or describe.  We don't even know that this is a 2 story house, because you never told us...or showed us.

Way too many adjectives being used.

And the old skeleton is now in her closet?  Why?

This doesn't work for me, sorry to say.  Too many issues, no real plot that makes sense, no reason for anything.

Hope my words can help you see the issues here, bro.  It's  a learning experience, and you'll get there.

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Tyler King
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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BSaunders, Dreamscale
Thanks for taking time to read this and respond...all your feedback is helpful and appreciated. Thank you!
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Fausto
Posted: August 25th, 2017, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Tyler,
I have read your script and honestly, I have to say that I like the premise. A good emotional story of a mother who has lost her child. I am not adding any other comment about your writing style because people with more writing expertise than me have already commented on it. So, I just say, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, keeping the story and improving it if necessary.
All my best,
Fausto
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Tyler King
Posted: August 26th, 2017, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Fausto
Tyler,
I have read your script and honestly, I have to say that I like the premise. A good emotional story of a mother who has lost her child. I am not adding any other comment about your writing style because people with more writing expertise than me have already commented on it. So, I just say, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, keeping the story and improving it if necessary.
All my best,
Fausto


Thanks for the read and comments, Fausto! Much appreciated.
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