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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Suffer a Wytche
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  Author    Suffer a Wytche  (currently 708 views)
Don
Posted: February 25th, 2018, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Suffer a Wytche by G. Howard Gutshall - Short, Horror - In a foregone time a young girl, accused of witchcraft must struggle against cruelty and injustice before finding her ultimate revenge. 13 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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GGutshall
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Please do feel free to comment.  I truly value your input!
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Warren
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi Howard,

If you are going to put a copyright notice on your work, put in on the bottom of the title page not on the actual script.


Quoted Text
EXT. NEAR THE JAIL GATES - DAY


I’m not sure I like this as a scene heading, how near? And in relation to what else? I have no idea where the scene is actually taking place.


Quoted Text
Autumn leaves are seen falling from a nearby maple.


No need to tell us something is seen, if you write it we see it, that’s how a script works.

You write quite passively, I think you will find you can remove most of the "is" and words ending in "ing" and it will only improve the way this reads.


Quoted Text
CONSTANCE (17) is locked in a tight form-fitting cage, so
tight that she cannot move.
  

I feel like if it’s tight and form-fitting we would assume she can’t move.


Quoted Text
You can see her breath


Again don’t tell us what we can see, just show us.


Quoted Text
Had she not been restrained, she would have doubled over
from the painful blow to her pregnant womb.


I don’t see any reason to tell us what may have happened in your script, just tell us what happens.

Again you tell us the blood is seen.

And again, the family can be seen.


Quoted Text
Constance is asleep or unconscious


Well which is it? You’re telling the story. I don’t think the aside that follows has much use. I don’t mind them personally as I do use them, but this is unnecessary.


Quoted Text
JAILER
Got ta clean ya up puppet!


Need a comma when addressing someone directly in dialogue. So... clean ya up, puppet.

You need to try and work on changing the perspective from which you write. It will make the script a lot more enjoyable to read if it doesn’t feel like a list. What I mean is you do a lot of "he does this, he does that, he does this" and so on.


Quoted Text
Though she'd not drank in days,


Not necessary.


Quoted Text
When she does, her neighbors Brewster and Abernathy wait
without.


Need to capitalise all character introductions.


Quoted Text
Brewster lifts her dress and rips off her knickers.  He
rapes her there held against the tree by her throat, next
to the bloody carcass of her pet.


Brutal.

You have the same issues I mentioned previously throughout the script.

Regardless this was a great read, I really enjoyed it. It definitely made me feel something, which isn’t easy.

The dialogue is well handled; I can appreciate how hard it is to write like that.

I did feel slightly let down by the ending, I don’t really have a suggestion how to make it more fulfilling but I did want something more... if it comes to me I'll let you know.

Overall, there are some easy to fix issues with the writing, but the story is solid.

Well done.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  February 26th, 2018, 5:31pm
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GGutshall
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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GGutshall
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
If you are going to put a copyright notice on your work, put in on the bottom of the title page not on the actual script.


I'm using Amazon StoryWriter - It lacks the facility to place it elsewhere.




Quoted from Warren

Well which is it? You�re telling the story. I don�t think the aside that follows has much use. I don�t mind them personally as I do use them, but this is unnecessary.


This particular wording was intentionally selected.  My intention with it was to evoke more pity in the reader.  This was done with the belief that while a more clinical approach is the norm, I may at times want to draw a potential interested party in this script to be moved by it all the more.  I've tried to be judicious in the use of such evocative passages.  If I'm mistaken in this belief, then these can easily be eliminated.


Quoted from Warren

You need to try and work on changing the perspective from which you write. It will make the script a lot more enjoyable to read if it doesn�t feel like a list. What I mean is you do a lot of "he does this, he does that, he does this" and so on.


I see your point but am unsure how to remedy.  Have specific suggestions?  How else could a series of sequential actions be addressed?



Quoted from Warren

Need to capitalise all character introductions.


It was when when we  first met them in the courtroom in the immediately preceding scene.


Quoted from Warren

Regardless this was a great read, I really enjoyed it. It definitely made me feel something, which isn�t easy.

The dialogue is well handled; I can appreciate how hard it is to write like that.

I did feel slightly let down by the ending, I don�t really have a suggestion how to make it more fulfilling but I did want something more... if it comes to me I'll let you know.

Overall, there are some easy to fix issues with the writing, but the story is solid.

Well done.


Thank you very much!  I appreciate the time you've taken to read and comment.  I look forward to any further input you may have regarding a more satisfying ending - but in the end, this is a far more satisfying ending than those actually executed for witchcraft ever received!

I've made a number of edits based upon your other suggestions and posted the result at the link given above.
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Warren
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted Text
I'm using Amazon StoryWriter - It lacks the facility to place it elsewhere.


Well you can only work with what you’ve been given I guess.


Quoted Text
My intention with it was to evoke more pity in the reader.


It’s not a war winner, but I really don’t think it makes all that much difference, you evoke more than enough emotion in the rest of the script.


Quoted Text
I see your point but am unsure how to remedy.  Have specific suggestions?


Unfortunately I don’t, the reason I recognise it though is that I used to do the exact same thing. Hopefully a more experienced writer will chime in with a suggestion. Dave?


Quoted Text
It was when when we  first met them in the courtroom in the immediately preceding scene.


Sorry, that’s my bad. It’s early and I'm reading between doing work.

All the best.


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GGutshall
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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This piece was adapted from a short story I'd written a number of years ago.  When writing a short story you have the benefit of allowing the reader to know things that cannot be seen of heard because the reader is privy to a character's internal dialog...  

There was one element of the short story that I was unable to figure out how to work into the script neatly.  While it is clear in the script that Constance is pregnant and one can insinuate that the child is the result of Brewster's rape... There were a few (i felt) cogent points that I couldn't figure out how to successfully convey.  Those being:

-that yes, while the child she carried had been conceived through rape, through her ordeal, she'd grown fond of the baby.  During her incarceration the baby was the sole person left to her that did not cause her shame or pain.

-She fears the rock blow to her abdomen in the cage killed the child as she can no longer feel the baby moving inside her.

I'd tried a number of soliloquies in the cell after the jailer leaves where she speaks to the unborn child and tries to convince it to move again and expresses her affection, but they all seemed too contrived.

I'd be grateful for any suggestions that could lead to an idea...
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stevemiles
Posted: February 27th, 2018, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Howard,

The title worked to draw me in, same for the setting and intro.  Writing strays towards prose at times, could be trimmed back for a much leaner read.  But I think Warren covered a lot of that.

Regarding the story (the original version, I was halfway through this when you reposted), I struggle with this kind of set-up.  Personal preference plays a part, so take this with a pinch of salt.  Granted you’re working with a limited page count but you essentially spend the majority of the story beating down your protagonist before paying it off with an equally bloody revenge.  It works to an extent - in getting us to sympathize with Constance’s situation.  But it relies on hitting the same beat over and over.  For me, there’s only so much misery you can heap on a character before it loses its impact.  Any meaningful story tends to take a backseat to a routine of beat/rape/torture/repeat. It can work for features perhaps, but there you have the space to explore the characters with both high and low points along the way - mystery, tension etc.  I knew very little about Constance, or her relationship with her father which underpins the ending.  The horror is there, but it could do with something else.  For me this is just too bleak.  The only moment of hope/salvation feels outweighed compared to what Constance endured, what she’s lost, and in some ways what she’s been forced to become (a killer).

The ghost/possession angle is unexpected, but as a result I didn’t find it all that satisfying.  I might have preferred the irony of her having been a wytche all along and tying that back into the vengeance somehow.  Or maybe that was the point?  I guess it’s in keeping with the supernatural angle, but it didn’t feel all that witch-like.  Was the intention that Constance was a wytche after all?  Or was she innocent of the accusations but still gets to be a ghost for the convenience of taking revenge?  Can you commit revenge/murder and still go to a better place (which the appearance of dad seems to suggest)?  If so, there's the implication that Abernathy and co. could also meet a similar fate.

The setting works - so much material to draw on.  It’s a gritty and brutal read, but between the bleakness of Constance’s situation and the ‘twist’ ending I just didn’t get much out of it.  Not sure what to suggest, all depends on where you’d want to take it.  Have you considered switching the POV to Abernathy and co?  Sometimes that can open up more possibilities.

Hope this helps,

Steve  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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