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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Painter - WT
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  Author    The Painter - WT  (currently 1769 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Painter by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror - A painter is tortured by his art. 1 page - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 21st, 2018, 8:11am
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
INT. STUDIO - DAY


Make it ART STUDIO

I got a bit confused with the large room after the header Studio thiking it was small - like a studio apt,

Not a bad effort here - I did think there was a logic problem here:


Quoted Text
His brush works frantically on a canvas which displays a nude
model. She lies on the same white couch


SPOILER

Moments later the couch is blood stained with a dead woman - why wouldn't we have seen that when he first looked at the couched - he never moved.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Unfortunately I saw the ending coming in a way, but I am a bit confused. Was she alive before? Why does her hand drop from the couch and the couch is now stained red, as if it weren't before? I'm assuming she was dead this entire time but the way the descriptions are written, it seems as if Carlos kills her with magic because it sounds like she's alive at the beginning of the script and suddenly dead at the end. I want to think that it is her ghost that is tormenting him, but yeah, just confused for the most part.


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jayrex
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad, it seems a bit OTT.  Perhaps the paintings in the place show horror scenes too, although that would give away the set up.

It also reminded me of that lady in a red dress from Battlestar Galactica.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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The Painter

All right. Good first attempt on this concept. A little more and you can go the route of the artist's psychosis :-) Reconsider this, a bit deeper storywise, with some good music then and this would work well.
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JEStaats
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Loved it. Not what I was expecting. This would translate beautifully to the screen. Very cool.

I just read some of the other comments: Perhaps the easel partially hides the model on the couch so only her bare legs can be seen? IDK. I liked it.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JEStaats

I just read some of the other comments: Perhaps the easel partially hides the model on the couch so only her bare legs can be seen? IDK. I liked it.


Yeah, I didn't even see it as complex as others here regarding the actual model. Rather I thought this guy has some serious problems, visions and mixing up stuff in his head. Then in the end he couldn't get over his favorite muse that he brought to the other side once, who now comes back round from time to time :-)... bitter sweet. Could work with some fine piano music and a moody picture... imo


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

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khamanna
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one - thought she was entirely in his head when bam, he's a certified psycho. And I loved the last line. Great work.
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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Well that came out of nowhere, WTF.

I agree that this could be visually striking. The blood in contrast to the white room and couch.

Really enjoyed it.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

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DanC
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good.  I understand it's a 1 page limit, but I wish you spent less time on the room.  We don't need to know about the sunlight. We do need to know about the other paintings.  Perhaps you could show them ruined by some sort of movement.

Try to tie it all together by the end.

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Dan


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Stumpzian
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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My reading of the beginning of the scene is that we don't actually see the woman on the couch. All the references to the model involve what is shown only in his paintings, including the one he's working on, which shows the same view as all the others. We don't get to see the couch as it is now until the end.

The appearance of the woman behind him is only in his thoughts, repeating all the things that drove him mad.
If I'm right, this story works well.



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MarkItZero
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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I was gonna say the one problem is showing her on the couch but after reading what Stumpzian said I think he's right...


Quoted Text
His brush works frantically on a canvas which displays a nude
model. She lies on the same white couch.


You should still probably reword that, though.

Otherwise, great job!


That rug really tied the room together.
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RJP
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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I like this story. Pretty strong horror piece.

I think you may have missed an opportunity to do something with the picture he was painting. A clue on the canvas? Something to brainstorm perhaps if you're going to extend the script after the contest.

Nice job!
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LC
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Live model paintings?
Just describe them as: numerous paintings, all of them nudes.

I think 'stay still' might sound better than 'remain still' - but I could be wrong.

Perhaps: The white fabric now 'stained' red.

Nice idea. Would translate well to a short Horror.


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CameronD
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Confused.


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