The Painter by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror - A painter is tortured by his art. 1 page - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Quoted Text INT. STUDIO - DAY

Make it ART STUDIO

I got a bit confused with the large room after the header Studio thiking it was small - like a studio apt,

Not a bad effort here - I did think there was a logic problem here:

Quoted Text His brush works frantically on a canvas which displays a nude model. She lies on the same white couch

SPOILER

Moments later the couch is blood stained with a dead woman - why wouldn't we have seen that when he first looked at the couched - he never moved.

SPOILERS

Unfortunately I saw the ending coming in a way, but I am a bit confused. Was she alive before? Why does her hand drop from the couch and the couch is now stained red, as if it weren't before? I'm assuming she was dead this entire time but the way the descriptions are written, it seems as if Carlos kills her with magic because it sounds like she's alive at the beginning of the script and suddenly dead at the end. I want to think that it is her ghost that is tormenting him, but yeah, just confused for the most part.

Not bad, it seems a bit OTT.  Perhaps the paintings in the place show horror scenes too, although that would give away the set up.

It also reminded me of that lady in a red dress from Battlestar Galactica.

The Painter

All right. Good first attempt on this concept. A little more and you can go the route of the artist's psychosis :-) Reconsider this, a bit deeper storywise, with some good music then and this would work well.
4

Loved it. Not what I was expecting. This would translate beautifully to the screen. Very cool.

I just read some of the other comments: Perhaps the easel partially hides the model on the couch so only her bare legs can be seen? IDK. I liked it.

Quoted from JEStaats I just read some of the other comments: Perhaps the easel partially hides the model on the couch so only her bare legs can be seen? IDK. I liked it.

Yeah, I didn't even see it as complex as others here regarding the actual model. Rather I thought this guy has some serious problems, visions and mixing up stuff in his head. Then in the end he couldn't get over his favorite muse that he brought to the other side once, who now comes back round from time to time :-)... bitter sweet. Could work with some fine piano music and a moody picture... imo

I really liked this one - thought she was entirely in his head when bam, he's a certified psycho. And I loved the last line. Great work.

Well that came out of nowhere, WTF.

I agree that this could be visually striking. The blood in contrast to the white room and couch.

Really enjoyed it.

Pretty good.  I understand it's a 1 page limit, but I wish you spent less time on the room.  We don't need to know about the sunlight. We do need to know about the other paintings.  Perhaps you could show them ruined by some sort of movement.

Try to tie it all together by the end.

4

Dan

My reading of the beginning of the scene is that we don't actually see the woman on the couch. All the references to the model involve what is shown only in his paintings, including the one he's working on, which shows the same view as all the others. We don't get to see the couch as it is now until the end.

The appearance of the woman behind him is only in his thoughts, repeating all the things that drove him mad.
If I'm right, this story works well.

I was gonna say the one problem is showing her on the couch but after reading what Stumpzian said I think he's right...

Quoted Text His brush works frantically on a canvas which displays a nude model. She lies on the same white couch.

You should still probably reword that, though.

Otherwise, great job!

I like this story. Pretty strong horror piece.

I think you may have missed an opportunity to do something with the picture he was painting. A clue on the canvas? Something to brainstorm perhaps if you're going to extend the script after the contest.

Nice job!

Live model paintings?
Just describe them as: numerous paintings, all of them nudes.

I think 'stay still' might sound better than 'remain still' - but I could be wrong.

Perhaps: The white fabric now 'stained' red.

Nice idea. Would translate well to a short Horror.

Confused.

I liked it. There's actually some wasted space up top with the narrative, where being economical with the descriptions could have saved a line or two, which could then have been given to Verona as dialogue. Even with that, the writer managed to convey a pretty cool little gruesome story. Well done. Not sure if I put it in the 4 and wait to see if it's a 5 after I read all the rest category, or if it's a solid 4.

Writer,

Yes. Very good. That’s a good reveal. I liked it a lot. Good job, writer!

Steve

Very clever, liked the ending. Could lose the sun shining in the room. Nice little horror short.

Thanks for the read, Kirsten.

Glad you liked it.

I like the story, and although I understood that we were seeing the canvas, I can see how it was confusing to some. Without the one-page limit, you can easily set this as an INSERT to make it crystal clear where the image is, and the director can decide if any part of the couch should be visible around the edges.

Thanks for the read, Frank.

It was actually originally written as an INSERT but the extra formatting pushed me onto a second page. I do think the confusion is more 'self-inflicted' than anything else. Obviously I wouldn't want it seen, it's the entire twist, at no point do I write that it is seen either so I don't know why people even assume it is. At only a page worth of reading, it's really not that hard to figure out. I'd be hesitant to give this to a filmmaker who was confused about that :p

I do think that sometimes issues are created for the sake of issues.

Appreciate the feedback.

Hi Warren,

I really loved this short during the OWC and finally got around to reading your revision. A couple questions:
- First paragraph: Are all the paintings of the same model/Verona or all different women? The sentence should either be changed from woman to women, or written as '...a beautiful woman...'
- When Verona appears behind Carlo, is she clothed or naked? Would we realize that it's her in all the paintings at this point, if they are all of her?

I still think this is a great piece for the time limit and constraints. Great work.
John

Hi John, glad you liked it. I haven’t revised anything. Just resubmitted the original with my name on it.

Woman to women needs changing. I like the idea that this potentially isn’t his first victim, thanks for pointing that out.

I envisaged her clothed; I will need to clear that up.

Thanks again.

Good concept, strong visuals. I expected the ending, but liked it for its execution. Great work.

The Painter has been optioned.

It's one of two scripts that were optioned together by independent filmmaker Vincent Tang.

https://vincetang20.myportfolio.com/

Congrats Warren

Thanks Kirsten.

Congratulations mate.

I'm not surprised it got picket up. It's a nice little short, well written and with a decent execution. Something that can be shot in no time too.

Congrats. Gave it read and see why it was picked up. Keep us posted with the updates.  

Gabe

Thanks for taking a look, Max and Gabe.

This is a storyboard the filmmaker made for The Painter. Filming due to happen mid February.

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/91t7xnkphxt1pru/AACXPO-uKPsNNdLDtsBa-q3ja?dl=0

Looks cool.

Looking forward to see the finished film.

Thanks, David. Hopefully not too much longer now.

So the original filmmaker fell through, but this was picked up again not too long ago.

I was just doing my usual Kickstarter window shopping and I saw this. Ryan is the new filmmaker but I didn't know he was Kickstarting the film. It's funded so I'm not asking for support, this was just a nice surprise in such crazy times. I imagine the production might be on hold now anyway.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ryanmalcolm/the-painter/description

Clicked on the link and watched 'his' appeal for funds - funny stuff with 'the painter's head at the end, but...

You'd think the writer's name would be mentioned in the spiel. I'm just saying, typical non-existent on the totem pole.

Oh well, he seems like a nice guy despite the big omission and I'm looking forward to the film.

Congrats, Warren.

Hey Warren, really liked this short, especially the "keep still" bit of dialogue at the end. Very dark and twisted. Looking forward to seeing this.

-- Michael

Quoted from LC Clicked on the link and watched 'his' appeal for funds - funny stuff with 'the painter's head at the end, but... You'd think the writer's name would be mentioned in the spiel. I'm just saying, typical non-existent on the totem pole. Oh well, he seems like a nice guy despite the big omission and I'm looking forward to the film. Congrats, Warren.

Thanks, Libby. Agreed, like I said, didn't even know it was on Kickstarter. It's just a one pager so I'm not too concerned. I know I'll be credited in the film as per our agreement.

Quoted from spesh2k Hey Warren, really liked this short, especially the "keep still" bit of dialogue at the end. Very dark and twisted. Looking forward to seeing this. -- Michael

Thanks, Michael, appreciate it.

I saw you had a new script up, been meaning to get to it. Will open it up soon.

Hi, Warren,

Nice one pager you wrote. Really liked it.

Though I felt that the first few lines/paras emphasized more on laying out the scene rather than giving anticipation for the story. But for a one page limit, it is terrific.

BTW, congrats for the script been optioned.

Good luck.