Pages: 1, 2 : All |
Author |
Motion Sensor - WT - Sold (currently 2205 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:36am |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Motion Sensor by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A security light makes this homeowner feel less secure. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - November 13th, 2018, 7:09am | | |
|
|
|
|
Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:59pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Nice usage of the motion sensor light. Kinda like an opposite "Lights Out". Would make for a good little horror short. Kind of wish you went into a little more detail of how the hooded figure's face was grotesque but you had one page so detail had to remain limited. Not much to really say here, except it paced well in my opinion. |
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 23 |
|
|
MarkItZero |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:06pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Got a bit repetitive for me. I liked how it started out. Good idea with the light sensors, has potential. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 23 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:56pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Felt like The Strangers condensed into a page, reasonable job. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 23 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:16pm |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Oh yeah, I liked this and what this story could be. You've crammed so much into one page, let's see what/where you can go with this. Great job! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 23 |
|
|
PKCardinal |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:27pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Liked the use of the motion sensor to build tension.
Didn't care for the way it played out. Could see this drawn out to a multi-page short to build the tension further.
A good start. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 23 |
|
|
khamanna |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:13pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
It's a good set up. Doesn't give me a finished feeling. I want some wrap up to this. |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 23 |
|
|
ScottM |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:30pm |
|
|
Posts49 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Very unoriginal. The setup is very much like the short Lights Out, which inspired the feature of the same name.
That just had a supernatural twist. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 23 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:56pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Wasn't for me - writing was solid enough - it's that - even for a one pager - I knew where it was going from the start. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 23 |
|
|
Warren |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 12:10am |
|
|
Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Quoted Text BOB What the...
|
Would anyone really say this? I think it’s a good concept, but it’s been done a few times. I don’t think your version brings anything new. Regardless, this would make a great short film. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 23 |
|
|
DanC |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 2:50pm |
|
|
Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Warren, I say that all the time. Maybe I'm not real??? That'd explain a lot. I mean really...
Back to the story, it was okay. But, why would
oh, SPOILERS why would an intruder act that way? Makes no sense. And how could they control the light sensor??
Solid 3 from me.
Dan |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 23 |
|
|
PrussianMosby |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:59pm |
|
|
Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Motion Sensor
A nice little scare here - the kind of quick material some do, at least I see those around. Good atmosphere. It's not really impressive but definitely has its strength in suspense and structure. A last deep, heavy shock effect would make this fly imo 4 |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 23 |
|
|
RJP |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:39pm |
|
|
Posts69 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Total creep-fest.
I'm not a fan of the line "What the..." when his dead cat is hurled at the glass. Maybe I'm just being a nit ha ha.
Overall, good work! |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 23 |
|
|
Stumpzian |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 7:32am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Our old motion sensor went on and off all the time, usually for no apparent reason. So I turned it off. Glad I did after reading this. |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 23 |
|
|
CameronD |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:32pm |
|
|
Been Around
Posts542 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 23 |
|
|
jayrex |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 2:36pm |
|
|
Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
I think the last few words should be
stab, stab, stab
Aside from that, not bad. |
| |
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
jayrex - April 4th, 2018, 6:02pm | | |
|
|
|
Reply: 15 - 23 |
|
|
ajr |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 5:22pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
I got confused between the kitchen light and the external light. Was one on and not the other, or were both off at some point? |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 16 - 23 |
|
|
LC |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 9:21pm |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7625 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I love the line about balding Bob - still styling optimistically. Made me laugh.
A little bit of confusion over the exterior light (lighting up the kitchen) and the actual kitchen light.
I was strangely left wanting a bit more build up, before Kitty cops it, and a bit more for the denouement. I suppose that's a one-pager for you.
Good job. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 17 - 23 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 12th, 2018, 8:22pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Just sold Motion Sensor to a producer in LA... |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 18 - 23 |
|
|
Warren |
Posted: November 12th, 2018, 8:56pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Congrats, Anthony |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 19 - 23 |
|
|
Matthew Taylor |
Posted: November 13th, 2018, 5:05am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Excellent! Well done |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 20 - 23 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: November 13th, 2018, 11:34am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
|
|
|
Reply: 21 - 23 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 13th, 2018, 2:41pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
|
|
|
Reply: 22 - 23 |
|
|
FrankM |
Posted: November 14th, 2018, 1:14am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Congratulations!
* light clicks off *
Uh, guys... |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 23 - 23 |
|
Pages: 1, 2 : All |