Underpassers by Robin Christopher Johnston - Short, Horror - A young women is lost in a labyrinth of tunnels after commuting back home through an underpass. She soon finds out she is not alone. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Robin,

This is nice and creepy, I like the description of the grimy lights etc  but once she gets into the tunnels it gets confusing. its seems that for an underpass tunnel its way to big? And because it's in the city and you mention subway I just assume its the subway....As it is, it seems she is in an unrealistic place with unrealistic things going on. It would make more sense and be less confusing if we subtly knew she had entered in another dimension.  And make it clearer what kind of tunnel system she's in. To showcase the other dimension she could look into a mirror or glass or something...in the tunnel, see the normal world on the other side and realize she is trapped before she ends up becoming one of 'them'....???

Some of the writing needs a little work.
'The stains reach out from the mattress through the tunnel on her right.' This is hard to picture correctly. I pictured something literally coming out of the mattress, not something on the ground.

'Natalie is becoming desperate. It is getting colder and rubs her arms.' Should be 'she rubs her arms'..

You've captured the atmosphere well, and it would be easy to film, it just needs a tweak with the storyline and a little tidy up here and there with the writing.

Cheers K.

I really enjoyed the beginning of the script but felt it got a little hard to visualise. There are typos on page 3 and 4, only slight but I feel like there was a different energy in the writing once she moved into the tunnel. It didn't feel as tight as the opening. I wasn't sure why Natalie would have continued into the tunnel after the voice caused her to swear at the beginning. She was obviously annoyed/angry but then carried on, into the darkness. If it was me, I would have turned to go back and then she could have realised she was lost. I also wasn't sure why she wouldn't have run away from the man, when she realised something was wrong, until she was exhausted and had no other options. Anyway, I think the suggestions from Kirsten are good and would help refine the story.