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Scurry by Kirsten James - Short, Horror - A young girl is terrorized by a strange creature in her room while her parents discuss their involvement with the occult. 5 pages - pdf format
I enjoyed this up until the reveal. I felt like that ending just kind of came out of left field. What does them moving have to do with Tobias being the Devil? Thinking about it now, it almost first sounds like a demon is following the family and they've been moving thinking getting away would stop it, until the twist is revealed. Turns out their son is the antichrist, but again, what does the first half have to do with the second half? Like I said, it just kind of came out of left field for me.
Besides that, however, I did like this. It's a fun horror short. I liked the build up and the switching back and forth between the parent conversation and Lucy being terrorized. I wonder if working with babies is easy or hard when filming. But I can see this getting made.
Yes, filming the baby scene will be tricky, it's a pain but I just had to write it lol, which yes, doesn't help with production, but it could be good practice for someone learning cgi???? Hint Hint anyone? I'm dying to see the eyes and fingernails... I would say them talking about moving is just part of the bigger picture of being the parents of bealzebub. But I see what you mean, I have probably sent you too far away so as not to reveal anything, and now you are lost lol..... I'll go away and have a think about changing the conversation topic.....
Greatly appreciated feedback thankyou! And I did read your feature, but I want to read it again. I did it in fits and starts and i can't in good faith comment on it till I get my head around it better. it's not the script its me needing to pay attention and reading it in one sitting....
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
Yes, filming the baby scene will be tricky, it's a pain but I just had to write it lol, which yes, doesn't help with production, but it could be good practice for someone learning cgi???? Hint Hint anyone? I'm dying to see the eyes and fingernails...
Ha ha, I liked the imagery and so I'd be curious to see what it would look like if ever filmed. It would be a fun CGI project for somebody, for sure.
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I would say them talking about moving is just part of the bigger picture of being the parents of bealzebub. But I see what you mean, I have probably sent you too far away so as not to reveal anything, and now you are lost lol..... I'll go away and have a think about changing the conversation topic.....
Don't necessarily change the topic, but just find a way to tie in them moving to the fact that they're the parents of the antichrist. Maybe the baby is causing Alex to change jobs constantly, which is causing them to move constantly? The baby is the Devil after all. Shouldn't it wreak havoc on their lives?
I hope you meant to make the film kind of a dark comedy because I did giggle at a couple of parts. Like Marie's line "Because he's the Devil Alex!". And the fact that they're fully aware that their kid is the Devil and yet they're going to be loving parents to him anyway. That's funny and shows in a comedic way how far people will go to be parents for their own kids.
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Greatly appreciated feedback thankyou! And I did read your feature, but I want to read it again. I did it in fits and starts and i can't in good faith comment on it till I get my head around it better. it's not the script its me needing to pay attention and reading it in one sitting....
You're welcome! And I plan on uploading an updated script of Where the Bad Kids Go so I can let you know when it's been posted so you can give the most updated script a read. Thanks for doing so, by the way! Completely understand finding the time to sit down and concentrate on a script in one sitting!
Hey, yes, interesting you mentioned the comedy aspect, because that kept slipping in there. especially with the scurrying claws. I do want it to be creepy... Just have to make sure theres nothing funny about it....
And, yes I look forward to the updated script.....
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
You didn't pick up my interest with this right away but I got invested as soon as I learned what's going on - don't want to give away any spoilers here.
The resolution was kind of expected. I was hoping for something different. But I can't suggest anything here.
The highlight of the script is when we learn what's going on from them talking. I wish you kind of dressed up the script a bit - added something interesting before and after.
Nice job though - you went around the idea in a fresh and intriguing way.
Everything is very well trodden territory until Page 5, when you reveal your Antag, both through Mary talking with Alex, and then the actual reveal. Up until this point, I was very bored, and even when I learned who/what Tobias is, I kind of rolled my eyes, but you know what? You ended on a high note, both with the way Tobias acts, and the very final visual.
Writing-wise, lots of mistakes, though. 1st Slug should be "TOBIAS' BEDROOM", as your 2nd Slug is LUCY'S BEDROOM.
Early on, just too many details that aren't at all necessary.
You then go to some sort of hybrid full and Mini Slug. If these scenes are basically intecutting (happening at the same time), just use Mini Slugs. If time is passing, you need full Slugs.
The conversation and details of the discussion between Marie and Alex don't make sense to me - it's night, but he's wearing a full suit? Why? They're drinking coffee? At night, before bed? Then, on Page 4, he lights up a cig? In the house? 3 moves in less than a year? And they're living in a house, meaning we have a major reality check issue here. Moving is expensive, time consuming, and difficult. Buying 3 houses in a year is outright impossible for 99% of the world, and no one is going to rent out a house to a family on such a short term basis. Finally, the fact that they have to move for the 3rd time in less than a year has absolutely nothing to do with anything here.
You have some passive lines throughout that would be very easy to do away with.
Although this is short at just under 6 1/2 pages, based on what you have here, it shouldn't even go on to the 6th page. It can be trimmed and it would read quicker, be tighter, and come off more powerfully.
All in all, it ain't bad, but again, that's because you saved yourself with a shocking ending that we're not used to read/see, and for that, I say kudos.
Hey Kha and Jeff. I really appreciate the read and comments.
Your input is great and has given me a lot to think about.
With the beginning I was practicing writing atmospherically, but yawning wasn't the outcome I was looking for lol. ...Just got to keep at it...
The father is in his work suit, he's just come home from work...its winter. But without backstory I can see why this seems weird. And the rest of their behaviors have backstory that isn't made clear here. So yeah I need to fix that.
It was 4 pages at first, then I added my atmospheric writing and it got stretched...
But I am very glad you liked the ending.
Cheers K
P.S Jeff, have you seen the movie Force Majeure? Since you are a ski bunny, you might like this its Swedish and has won lots of awards..it's a slow burn psychodrama comedy set at a ski resort...
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
P.S Jeff, have you seen the movie Force Majeure? Since you are a ski bunny, you might like this its Swedish and has won lots of awards..it's a slow burn psychodrama comedy set at a ski resort...
Thanks heaps for your read and comments, much appreciated! I'm planning on shortening the first half and adding more to the end...so we'll see how it goes..
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
I'm planning on shortening the first half and adding more to the end...so we'll see how it goes..
Kirsten, just my 2 cents, but I don't think this is the way to go.
It's not about "shortening" anything. It' about cleaning it up, getting rid of all the repetitiveness and unnecessary descriptions.
It's about changing the conversation of the parents to become something that is relevant to the story, or interesting, or foreshadowing...or anything that draws your readers in.
Finally, I wouldn't add anything to the end. You ended it quite well and many times, less is more in this regard.
Kirsten, just my 2 cents, but I don't think this is the way to go.
It's not about "shortening" anything. It' about cleaning it up, getting rid of all the repetitiveness and unnecessary descriptions.
It's about changing the conversation of the parents to become something that is relevant to the story, or interesting, or foreshadowing...or anything that draws your readers in.
Finally, I wouldn't add anything to the end. You ended it quite well and many times, less is more in this regard.
It leaves some questions unanswered, like how the hell this family ended up in that situation or why they wanted to be King and Queen, but that's fine with me for a short of this length.
This draft is far more entertaining than the previous. Contained and effective, still with that great image at the end.
Shooting a horror short with a baby has to be difficult, I guess, but it would be interesting to see this one on the screen.
Read the new draft. I feel like it's a definite step in the right direction.
I actually have no qualms with the story aspect of the screenplay. It's pretty original and rather creepy in places. I really appreciate the vagueness of the character motivations. You give us a little bit of exposition to wet our appetites, then you let our imaginations run wild.
From what I could gather, the baby Tobias was always meant to be the embodiment of evil, which is why the mother was scared that Lucy would be chosen, but showed no concern for baby Tobias. Good stuff.
Now to the bad stuff, the writing still needs to be cleaned up. Lot's of descriptions with "-ing" in them. Do away with those, it'll speed up the read.
And I'm still not a fan of the sequence where the baby-monster is heard moving around the room, but not seen. I knew what you were going for, but I feel there is a better way you could accomplish it.
Thanks heaps for your input. Im glad you mentioned the writing. It is something I am still trying to master. I know what i must do...get lessons lol....no..I need to keep working at it. Which is why im glad you brought it up... I will also give it a go in respect to making the 'thing' visable...I get what you mean, ive had a hard time with that part and maybe because it needs to be written as you suggest...
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
“Lucy gets in another poke then runs out of the room.”
- A small thing but is she actually poking Tobias with her finger here or just poking her head into the cot as before? If it’s the latter, this seems like an odd way to phrase it.
“Lucy slowly peaks her head”
- “Peaks” should be “peeks”
The scene where The Thing scurries around the room as Lucy cowers under the bedcovers was genuinely effective, creepy. I also liked the call back to Lucy sticking her tongue out at Tobias in the closing scenes.
Besides that though, it’s pretty thin and unsubstantial. Yes, I know it’s only 5 pages but this just feels like a glimpse or a scene taken out of something bigger. Like most of the story has already happened before the FADE IN so we only get hints and references to it here.
Hence, this doesn’t really function as a self contained piece for me.
Technically, the writing is solid and you show some horror chops with that scene I mentioned above but other than that there is not much to say.
You created some subtext with the "over the black and dialogue" that got my interested. I thought the build up was intriguing enough. I didn't feel the dialogue from the opening needed to be repeated though. I thought Tobias would be taken for sure, and I thought the empty crib confirmed that, so it added a little more to the story when he ended up in lucy's room. When it comes to that part though, I agree with others about how the heck can you film that but like you said it's a chance to practice some cgi.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Scurry
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Just got to keep at it...
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