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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Sin Eater
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Don
Posted: November 26th, 2018, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sin Eater by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - A grieving husband goes to extreme lengths to cleanse the soul of his departed wife, an infamous witch. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 27th, 2018, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Mr Cawood

As you are a heavyweight of the forum, I feel like as a mere peasant, I shouldn't bee commenting on your work.

But screw it I'm going to anyway.

I liked it, was a fun tale to read - I didn't know how it was going to end until the transformation started. I got the felling that I was reading a snippet of a much larger story - I guess that's a good thing?

A couple of errors on the opening page - I don't normally bother pointing out individual spelling/grammatical errors but I feel I should put in something vaguely helpful in this post, and that's all I can think of.

I'm not a big fan of archaic English, but I didn't really mind it in the story - I followed everything easily enough.

Anyway, I'll stop now as I'm not really adding anything.

Good job

Matt


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 28th, 2018, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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So few new scripts to read, so why not try this one?  Let's see what we have here...

Well, right out of the gate, we have a problem with the opening Slug.  The comma is not correct.  You want a dash.

The SUPER that follows is also problematic.  First of all, SUPERs should really follow an action/description line, otherwise, what are they "superimposed" over?  Secondly, I had to Google "Pendle", and I shouldn't have to do that.  I'd suggest "Pendle, Lancashire, England", or simply, "Pendle, England".  You never know who your audience is or what they know and don't know.

"hearth blackened hearth" - Huh?  No clue what this is supposed to mean.

"A small fire flickers in the and supplements the light cast by a handful of candles dotted about the room." - No clue here, either.  I guess you're missing words here, but it's extremely awkwardly phrased, and we're not off to a good start at all.

OK, check this out.  So, your 1st passage describes this massive hearth that "dominates" the room, and your 2nd passage talks about the lighting in the room (I think), yet passage 3 and 4, all of a sudden, tell us there are 2 peeps in this room and 1 is pacing back and forth in front of this big hearth.  This is the very first thing we would see onscreen, and needs to be brought up first.  You can't describe the hearth first if there's someone pacing in front of it.

"makes to speak"  "makes to leave" - not sure if these are English phrasings, but they sure don't work for me.

Dialogue is good!

Page 3 - in dialogue, you ALWAYS need a comma to offset a name or literally anything being used as a name.

Page 5 - "lengthen" - "lengthens"

Page 6 - "is pointing" - "points"

I honestly have no idea what the ending means.  I like the image of the blackened, inverted crucifix, but no clue what is about to happen.

Having a blank Page 7 makes this look very amateur.

I think I like the idea here, but the true meaning is totally lost on me.  Dialogue, for the most part, is very good, but there are a few places it slips into modern sounding.

I look forward to hearing what I'm missing here.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  November 28th, 2018, 3:00pm
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eldave1
Posted: November 28th, 2018, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Anthony:

I echo the SUPER issue Jeff pointed out.

Loved the dialogue. Other than:



Quoted Text
BENJAMIN
And this will cleanse her soul?
DEIDRE
Yes, I will take on the
manifestation of her sins.


Which I found to be over-kill - the point has been pretty well established.

The ending didn't quite do it for me. Since I have no idea who Annie was/is - I'm not really invested in the impending doom she faces.

Overall - enjoyed it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Angry Bear
Posted: November 28th, 2018, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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On the cover page, you use a different font for the title. That's cool and I'm all for that, but why would you chose such a dull font instead of courier? IMHO, it should be a little more eye catching if you're changing it and also should be reflective of the story to come.

A few typos there on the first page especially. I do not worry about small things, so...

The dialogue was probably the strong point here. The story itslef seemed sort of old hat'ish, but
I liked the twist ending. Not sure what the broom meant. Perhaps using something else. More wicked?

Sorry I don't have anything more for suggestions. I guess that means it works as is.  



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Angry Bear  -  November 28th, 2018, 3:12pm
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AnthonyCawood
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Hey all - thanks for the reads and feedback...

Matt - not sure how you know about my weight but glad you liked the script

Thanks all for the error/typo catches, not sure what's happened on first page there, I think my version control may have gone awry but I will fix.

Jeff/Dave - re SUPER hmm, think you're right, will switch itround.

Jeff - yep, Pendle on it's own may not be so informative to everyone there's plenty of Brits that won't know it either! Amended.

Jeff - the ending, sorry not sure when it lost you, but Deidre has been possessed by Alizon, the inverted crucifix is just a visual nod to this... she is now going to take her revenge on Anne Whittle, flying on the proferred broom,

Pia - different font for title, yep think you are right, changed. Broom - as in witches fly on them.

Glad the dialogue seems to have worked for most of you, hardest bit to do.

Thanks all




Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkItZero
Posted: December 3rd, 2018, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

I thought some of the dialogue was quite good and it's an interesting set up. But I didn't understand the ending. I still don't understand it with your explanation. Is his wife dead, burned at the stake on accusation of witchcraft? This is her spirit taking over a living host?

I think you could work up the revenge angle more. Maybe Diedre was another person spreading rumors about Alizon. So Alizon is basically going down the line getting revenge on everyone who ratted her out.

Benjamin can mockingly explain the how and why of what's happening to Diedre as the transformation is taking place. That might be throwing in a lot of exposition at the end, but it would eliminate confusion.


That rug really tied the room together.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 4th, 2018, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark thanks for having a look.

I will figure out a way to make it crystal that she's a dead wife.

As it stands though I like the ambiguity of the ending... see if any producers do


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 4th, 2018, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkItZero
But I didn't understand the ending. I still don't understand it with your explanation.


I still don't get it after several explanations.  I don't get the broom thing, and I have no clue who Anne Whittle is, as she's never once mentioned in the script.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 4th, 2018, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Witches fly on brooms - it's common knowledge in... like vampires don't like garlic...

Anne bit. I've expanded in the revised script.

Tx all


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 4th, 2018, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Seemed clear to me

This is how I saw it:
He lured this Deirdre character over to perform a ritual to cleanse his dead wife's soul, but she was tricked and instead the ritual summoned the dead wife who took over Deirdre's body and became Alizon.

The broom because she's a witch - can't be a witch without a broom.

Anne whittle I'm guessing is her first victim, because she is not a nice witch. I think naming this person was a mistake, creating confusion - Could she not be seeking vengeance on those who had her killed?

If I am wrong with above, please let me know.

Maybe, if during the ritual, Ben hijacks it and starts chanting his own words (for the life of me I cannot think of the word for phrases spoken during a ritual) - would be more clear that he is in on it? playing a part.... I dunno


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Dreamscale
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Seemed clear to me

This is how I saw it:
He lured this Deirdre character over to perform a ritual to cleanse his dead wife's soul, but she was tricked and instead the ritual summoned the dead wife who took over Deirdre's body and became Alizon.


Who was tricked?


Quoted from Matthew Taylor
The broom because she's a witch - can't be a witch without a broom.


Who was a witch?  Who brought the broom?


Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Anne whittle I'm guessing is her first victim, because she is not a nice witch. I think naming this person was a mistake, creating confusion - Could she not be seeking vengeance on those who had her killed?


Who's first victim?  Who isn't a nice witch?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 4th, 2018, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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I love the way different people read the same script

Thanks again Matt and Geoff.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Matthew Taylor
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Quoted Text
Who was tricked?


Deidre - Her ritual was hijacked to bring Alizon back - presumably through the use of the crucifix, although the how is largely unexplained.


Quoted Text
Who was a witch?  Who brought the broom?


Alizon, the wife, it's in the bloody log line lol. Granted she's not directly called a witch in the script, but she raises from the dead through a ritual, is offered a broom, and has been accused and killed in Pendle in 1612, the trial of the Pendle witches - Not really sure how the writer could make it more clear without being insulting.

The ritual takes place in a witches house, why is it so far fetched that there is a broom there? why focus on the broom so much? - witches have brooms - I've read 'Room on the Broom' enough times to my kid to know that


Quoted Text
Who's first victim?  Who isn't a nice witch?


Alizon's first victim, shes the one who names her. Again, Alizon - she calls Anne a pox riddled whore and is going after her - doesn't sound very nice to me.

In my household, my partner takes the mick out of me for not understanding programs and movies we watch. Looks like I broke that trend with this one lol



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Dreamscale
Posted: December 6th, 2018, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Guess I missed the logline.  Sorry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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