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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Sin Eater
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  Author    Sin Eater  (currently 1950 views)
Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 23rd, 2018, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Before I read anyone else comments. I'd say the story was interesting, although some of the description was hard to follow in the beginning, which puts the rest of the script in danger if people decide to stop reading because of it. However, this is short enough that I doubt anyone would.

So, I'm going to try and explain the story as I read it. A husbands seeks the assistance of some sort of witch in order to accept his wife's sins so that she may rest in peace, however, he'll have to return the favor, which I'm assuming is the killing of other people like this "whore." Was that even close? Let's see, haha.

BLB.


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 23rd, 2018, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hahah. Interesting everyone got caught up in what was going as I did. Nice to see I wasn't too far off from the sound of it.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 23rd, 2018, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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wait, I missed the longline too. I legit stoped before the comma because I thought it sounded promising enough.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 23rd, 2018, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking a look BLB, appreciated!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zack
Posted: March 3rd, 2019, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

I read this a while back and thought I'd posted a review. Guess not. I'll just give you my quick thoughts.

Love the title, really dig the concept.  

I believe there's a typo on the very first action line:

"A massive hearth blackened hearth..."

Doesn't seem right. Also, I had to google what a hearth was. Maybe I'm just uneducated though.

So Alizon is a Witch, or Deidre? Both?

There is a lot of style here, but the actual story is kinda unclear. Would be interested to see what you do if this gets expanded.

Zack
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 4th, 2019, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack thanks for taking a look, really appreciated.

I've updated the script with the suggestions made in previous respponses, so think I've covered most things off.

Hearths may be more a UK thing as they tend to be in much older properties and were common for hundreds of years...

Alizon was indeed a witch, and she posseses Deidre the Sin Eater.

Best

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zack
Posted: March 4th, 2019, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood


Alizon was indeed a witch, and she posseses Deidre the Sin Eater.


Is Deidre evil before she becomes possessed? I got the impression that she was.

Looking forward to the rewrite.

Zack
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Pleb
Posted: March 5th, 2019, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony,

I know it's probably not one of your newer scripts, but it came up on the recent threads so I thought I'd have a read.

I haven't read the previous comments yet so I might be repeating things already said.

Story-wise though, I think it's solid. Nice and short and it reads really well. You set up the scene well, and the dialogue is really decent too. Felt like it belongs to the time/world when they'd have exist in.

The pacing is on point as well I reckon. There was never I moment where I thought it felt too slow/rushed, which is tricky when it comes to shorts.

One last thing, on page 1, you have...

"A small fire flickers in the and supplements..."

I'm guessing that the "and" part of that sentence is a left over word from a previous draft?

Sorry, I hate pointing out that kind of thing but it did mean I had to read the sentence a couple of times, and that's always a good thing to try and avoid of course.

Anyways, good luck with it.

Cheers

Max



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Pleb
Posted: March 5th, 2019, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Ok, just read the comments... I'm guessing the draft I've read must have changed a fair bit cos what I read was dead easy to follow.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 5th, 2019, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Zack, in my head Deidre is more the type who preys on the weak, eating the sins of those who are desperate to not go to hell... so evil with a little e perhaps.

Max, thanks for taking a read and glad you liked! No need to apologise for spotting mistakes... it's really useful as I'd clearly missed them.

Really pleased you felt the dialogue fit the period, one of the hardest bits with historical scripts so I'm glad it worked for you.

Now I just need to sell it


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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