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Sorry it's taken me so long to give you my thoughts on this. I read through this a while back, just haven't had much free time to post a review. So, here it is.
I really, REALLY like the story here. It's very well thought out and deeply unsettling. I honestly didn't see the ending coming at all. And the reveal of what exactly was in the bowling bag was awesome.
Some of the writing needs to be cleaned up. Like with the wet ghosts. You mention that their hair is drenched, but I think you should give us more detail. Are they dripping wet and clammy looking? If so, it'd be cool if after the ghosts disappear they left a puddle where they stood. Could be pretty creepy.
Dialog is good for the most part, but some of the early scenes didn't really flow that well. Like when Henry mentions he'd rather stay in the living room instead of his old bedroom. I had to reread that sequence a few times. Did he want the stuff from goodwill to be put in his bedroom? If he's afraid of his room, seems like he'd be willing to sleep in a crowded living room to avoid it. It did get better as it went along though.
So, yeah. I enjoyed this quite a bit. Good, dark, and pretty fuckin' creepy.
Hey Zack. I'm pretty good thankyou;), how you doing?
Thanks heaps for the read and helpful comments. I definitely tried for creepy and unsettling. This one took a while. And I had originally wanted their bodies in the closet, but it wasn't practical (size of closet, smell iin the house) so I made them smaller.... 2 heads smaller lol....
The scene at the beginning is Henry going into the spare room, coming out annoyed cause it's got all the goodwill stuff in it. He doesn't want to sleep in his old room but has to now. So buggar that it's not clear. I'll check that out...
Thanks for the writing suggestions, I always need those...
I just recently had this picked up from a start up production company off the produce my script sub on reddit. So hopefully it all works out and gets made.
Anyways thanks again.
Kirsten
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
And thank you everyone for your helpful feedback! I used it and it got selected out of 100 other submissions. Luckily it fit exactly what they were looking for.
You are all awesome!
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....