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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Ruined - Picked Up
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  Author    Ruined - Picked Up  (currently 2291 views)
Zack
Posted: May 28th, 2019, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Kirsten. How've you been?

Sorry it's taken me so long to give you my thoughts on this. I read through this a while back, just haven't had much free time to post a review. So, here it is.

I really, REALLY like the story here. It's very well thought out and deeply unsettling. I honestly didn't see the ending coming at all. And the reveal of what exactly was in the bowling bag was awesome.

Some of the writing needs to be cleaned up. Like with the wet ghosts. You mention that their hair is drenched, but I think you should give us more detail. Are they dripping wet and clammy looking? If so, it'd be cool if after the ghosts disappear they left a puddle where they stood. Could be pretty creepy.

Dialog is good for the most part, but some of the early scenes didn't really flow that well. Like when Henry mentions he'd rather stay in the living room instead of his old bedroom. I had to reread that sequence a few times. Did he want the stuff from goodwill to be put in his bedroom? If he's afraid of his room, seems like he'd be willing to sleep in a crowded living room to avoid it. It did get better as it went along though.

So, yeah. I enjoyed this quite a bit. Good, dark, and pretty fuckin' creepy.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  May 28th, 2019, 5:03pm
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Kirsten
Posted: May 30th, 2019, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Zack. I'm pretty good thankyou;), how you doing?

Thanks heaps for the read and helpful comments. I definitely tried for creepy and unsettling. This one took a while. And I had originally wanted their bodies in the closet, but it wasn't practical (size of closet, smell iin the house) so I made them smaller.... 2 heads smaller lol....

The scene at the beginning is Henry going into the spare room, coming out annoyed cause it's got all the goodwill stuff in it. He doesn't want to sleep in his old room but has to now. So buggar that it's not clear. I'll check that out...

Thanks for the writing suggestions, I always need those...

I just recently had this picked up from a start up production company off the produce my script sub on reddit. So hopefully it all works out and gets made.

Anyways thanks again.

Kirsten


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 31st, 2019, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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Exciting news Kirsten, well done. Hope it all works out well  


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Kirsten
Posted: June 16th, 2019, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Matt,

Thanks heaps for that...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Don
Posted: June 16th, 2019, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Picked up by prod co.

Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Zack
Posted: June 16th, 2019, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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Big congrats, Kirsten!
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Kirsten
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Zack, Thanks heaps!

And thank you everyone for your helpful feedback! I used it and it got selected out of 100 other submissions. Luckily it fit exactly what they were looking for.

You are all awesome!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Super duper congrats!!!
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Well done Kirsten... and Zack.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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And massive congrats to you Kirsten.  More girl power needed. -Andrea


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Big Congrats!  WOOHOO!!!!!
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Kirsten
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Kiwi in Ohio
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Thanks everyone!


Andrea......yeah, I'm actually a guy...        Na...just kidding .....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Zack
Posted: June 22nd, 2019, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Well done Kirsten... and Zack.


??? I 'm confused. This is Kirsten's script. I had nothing to do with it. lol
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eldave1
Posted: June 22nd, 2019, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Philostrate
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Kirsten!


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