Not Leaving, Not Moving by Rennie Arundell - Short, Horror, Fantasy - An internet challenge makes children disappear. Erika must try it herself to find her brother. 20 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Rennie, hope you are well

Quoted Text Tyson is Erika’s younger brother.

You know this isn't filmable, so no point putting it in there.
Its pointless anyway because of this...

Quoted Text RORY What’s your sister doing? TYSON Probably losing her virginity

Which then cuts to the scene of her having sex. The reader now knows they are brother and sister.

I had to look up what ASMR was... that's some weird shit that I will never understand lol

Quoted Text TYSON It’s supposed to be 60,000 years old.

Write numbers out in dialogue - sixty-thousand.

Quoted Text Erika is being questioned by Broyard. Her mother is distraught. Her father is angry. The detective is patient.

Why are you telling so much? you know the drill by now, show don't tell. Telling is dull, can't be shown on screen, looks amateurish.
Just have Broyard ask questions
her mother weeps into a tissue
her father paces up and down, fists clenched
The detective calmly waits as the others are overcome by their emotions

It is so much better to show - it is a movie after all.

You need to check your software - Names and dialogue are split over pages when the software should either move it all onto the same page or for long dialogue, should split with a (MORE).

I was enjoying this, the characters were fine. The internet craze is relevant and the mystery behind the cave and disappearance was interesting - I wanted to keep reading.

Are you intending for this to be a stand-alone short? or a prelude to something?

As a standalone short, it doesn't work. Nothing is answered, there's no satisfying end. The inclusion of Micah, Moose, and Rebekah doesn't add anything, doesn't move the story forward at all, it's just a side-show that we have already seen (people disappearing into the cave).
The dad branding his daughter was strange, and again, not elaborated on.
The inclusion of the ASMR at the beginning had no relevance on the story other than being a different internet craze.

Now if this is a prelude to something, it's a good set up - It's mysterious and I want to find out what is going on, and what is going to happen to them. But as a stand-alone short would leave the viewer disappointed.

Rennie: I pretty much agree with Matthew's comments so I won't reiterate them.

I'd add these.

Quoted Text EXT. LAKE - DAY ERIKA (16) comes out of the water in a tiny bikini. She is dripping wet and scrumptious to the leering eyes of RJ (16). He sits on the pier. Erika comes over to him. He’s a good looking kid himself with a full head of slicked back hair and an athletic body in swim trunks.

Two issues for me with the above - one - use more vivid verbs to make your script pop. e.g.,

EXT. LAKE - DAY

ERIKA (16) comes out of the water in a tiny bikini. She is
dripping wet and scrumptious to the leering eyes of RJ (16).

Is better as something like

Erika (16)  emerges from the water.... Or something like that. Comes out is just plain.

I'd also start this scene from RJ's point of view.

RJ (16), nothing but swim trunks, slicked back hair, muscular, dangles his legs on the pier as he leers at --

ERIKA ....

Second thought - whenever you into multiple characters best to have them doing something in a scene right away as it is already confusing to a reader. I would combine your two opening scenes with the kids - something like:

EXT. WOODS – DAY

TYSON, RORY, and JESSICA (all 10) walk a narrow path almost made invisible by brush
and trees.

TYSON
You know what you have to do.

RORY
What’s your sister doing?

TYSON
Probably losing her virginity.

JESSICA
I thought she already wasn’t a
virgin.

Best of luck with this.

Thank you for the reviews, guys.

No plans on elaborating on this. For the time being it's just a standalone short. I'm fine with the ending but not thrilled about how it plays out.