Here Comes The Bogeyman by Zack Akers - Short, Horror - When an evil entity demands that a single mother choose one of her two children for a blood sacrifice, she must find a way to save them both. 23 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for getting this one up, Don. And thanks for helping me with the logline, Dave.

Zack, I have to admit I have a low tolerance for longer Shorts (even though I tend to write them long myself) but at 18 pages this flew by, so all credit to you for keeping up the pace and the suspense.

A few niggles: fazed not phased, he lies back down (not lays), a loveseat (unless it was mentioned first in description, which I don't think it was) and, no need to mention when Mary reappears that she no longer has the wine glass. Decorative side table? I'd delete that amidst the action.You also don't need preambles in description like: With a sense of purpose...[/[i] Mary runs. [i]He WHIMPERS as stumbles and crawls underneath his bed.[/i] - missing word in action there.

Without further scrutiny those things stuck out tech-wise. You also do quite a bit of directing in this but that didn't faze me   - except for the CUT TO: BLACK and subsequent FADE on p.10, which slowed the pace for me.

You open on one light on in the house upstairs. For atmosphere maybe add the flickering light of the TV in the darkened loungeroom below, which you could then MATCH CUT with the first strobe of lightning strikes.

SPOILERS:



My main take-away is a bit of disappointment, sorry to say. After such a terrific build up and a logline that sorta promises salvation, (must find a way...) Mom sure does battle to save her sons but ultimately doesn't deliver.

It's a gripe of mine in modern horror that all too often evil triumphs despite the preceding valiant efforts of good. Call me old fashioned but I'd rather be in an audience of cheering and satisfied customers or else the flying limbs and blood splattered walls just seem in vain. Bring back the heroine! And have her slay that Boogeyman.

I still enjoyed it, but on screen I want to be cheering Mary on, not groaning and waving a fist at her cause she failed.

Thanks for reading, Libby. Happy you thought it read fast. I'm also happy the camera directions didn't bother you. I was really trying to get across how I see this story. Thought maybe I went a bit overboard. Lol.

Thanks for pointing out the typos/writing errors. A few always seem to slip past me. Also agree that I have a tendency to overthink my descriptions. Will try to clean this up in the rewrite.

Love the image of a flickering light in the downstairs window. Anything to add more atmosphere.

SPOILERS




You're reaction to the ending isn't a surprise. I did write another ending, that while dark, isn't nearly as graphic. In that ending, Mary actually chooses one of her boys.

You're not the first one to dislike thiending. But a few others actually praised me for it. I'm mixed, myself. Will think on it more, but I may end up going with the less graphic ending. Or maybe I'll try to write an ending like you suggested, where Mary actually prevails somehow.

Thanks again for reading. Always appreciate your opinion.

Hey Zack - gave it a read. A couple of logic issues for me:

This:

Quoted Text INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - BATHROOM - LATER The white tiled bathroom is very clean. The shower is on full blast, fog consumes the small room.

Struck me as an odd time for Mary to be taking a shower - she should be on full alert.

Why didn't she call Luke to see if he was the one that called from the phone?

Okay - overall - pretty solid writing. I think I saw everything you wanted me to see.

I did not care for the way it ended. It seemed so futile. Luke - or one of the boys - or even Mary needs to save the day, IMO.

Ooh, I forgot to add and agree with Dave re the shower scene. Seems very much: huh? After a scare, if you're a bit shaken up there's no way you want to be naked and vulnerable. And, showering at midnight? It's not even a gratuitous scene thrown in as a horror trope either. Be different if we saw Bogeyman's shadow glide by the shower screen.  

Plus, she's not attacked in the shower so it seems unnecessary filler. Perhaps you were going for the calm before the storm so to speak, but it doesn't really add to the plot imh.

Did you have some other idea with this, Zack?

Thanks for read, Dave. Sorry the ending didn't work for ya.

About your issues with the logic of the story, I sort of see your point.

The shower scene was supposed to imply that Mary is trying to push what happened out of her mind. The Deputy is parked just outside, so she feels relatively safe. She's more taking a shower to calm her nerves and help her sleep(that's what I do sometimes when I can't sleep).

I wrote a scene where she talks to Luke again before the shower, but cut it down to get the page count down.. Maybe I should put it back in.

I definitely think Luke needs to come back into the story at the end, to save the day or die trying.

Libby, yeah the shower scene is very much a calm before the storm moment. But if you are both thrown off by it, maybe I should rethink it.

As for further ideas for this, I do think it's worth rewriting, maybe even turning it into a feature. I just want to see if others feel it's worth expanding.

Thanks again for reading, guys.

I think the potential problem for an audience re the shower scene is: dumb female.

As for having Luke turn up and save the day I was rather hoping (as your logline suggests) ...she must find a way to save them both. i.e., Mary is the feisty protag. as advertised, and not have her boyfriend save her. Think:
Jodie Foster - Panic Room, Laurie Strode in Halloween.

Zack, If you can keep the terrific pace going as you have here I definitely encourage you to expand it to feature length. Just make your heroine smart and strong while still being terrified.

I'll butt out and let others weigh in now.

Quoted from LC I think the potential problem for an audience re the shower scene is: dumb female. As for having Luke turn up and save the day I was rather hoping (as your logline suggests) ...she must find a way to save them both. i.e., Mary is the feisty protag. as advertised, and not have her boyfriend save her. Think: Jodie Foster - Panic Room, Laurie Strode in Halloween. Zack, If you can keep the terrific pace going as you have here I definitely encourage you to expand it to feature length. Just make your heroine smart and strong while still being terrified. I'll butt out and let others weigh in now.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Libby. You've given me a good bit to think about. I agree that Mary and the boys shouldn't be saved by Luke at the end. And while I'm not opposed to having Mary defeat the Bogeyman, I'd still like to end this with a gut-punch. Potentially a bittersweet ending.

Not sure which direction I'd take this if I did turn it into a feature. I'd likely just use this short as a template.

Thanks again for all the awesome advice.

Quoted from LC I think the potential problem for an audience re the shower scene is: dumb female. As for having Luke turn up and save the day I was rather hoping (as your logline suggests) ...she must find a way to save them both. i.e., Mary is the feisty protag. as advertised, and not have her boyfriend save her. Think: Jodie Foster - Panic Room, Laurie Strode in Halloween. Zack, If you can keep the terrific pace going as you have here I definitely encourage you to expand it to feature length. Just make your heroine smart and strong while still being terrified. I'll butt out and let others weigh in now.

Libby - I agree about the dumb female thing - it was my first thought. I also agree that Luke should not save the day - although I think someone should.

Zack - Promise of the premise is kind of what left me dry on the ending I think. The Sophie's choice - which one should I save - is under served.  I'd love a scene near the end where the Bogeyman is forcing her to make a choice - which one, if you don't select - both. That maybe she even offers herself up - no deal. He wants a young child. Then interaction between the brothers - does one volunteer, etc. etc. - Hope this makes sense

Quoted from eldave1 Libby - I agree about the dumb female thing - it was my first thought. I also agree that Luke should not save the day - although I think someone should. Zack - Promise of the premise is kind of what left me dry on the ending I think. The Sophie's choice - which one should I save - is under served.  I'd love a scene near the end where the Bogeyman is forcing her to make a choice - which one, if you don't select - both. That maybe she even offers herself up - no deal. He wants a young child. Then interaction between the brothers - does one volunteer, etc. etc. - Hope this makes sense

Definitely giving me a lot of good ideas, Dave. I had considered having Mary offer herself, but one of the boys volunteering... Hadn't thought of that.  Still want Luke to show up at some point.

Thanks again for shooting some ideas my way. Really appreciate it.

Quoted from Zack Definitely giving a lot of good ideas, Dave. I had considered having Mary offer herself, but one of the boys volunteering... Hadn't thought of that.  Still want Luke to show up at some point. Thanks again for shooting some ideas my way. Really appreciate it.

No prob - my pleasure

I too was thrown by  the shower scene (even before reading Dave and LC's notes.)

I'd highly suggest dropping it. It really adds nothing, and kind of damages your main character.

The only thoughts I had regarding a different potential ending are:

1. I agree with Dave's comment regarding Sophie's Choice. You really set up a scenario where she must choose... but, she never faces that decision. Even if she doesn't make a choice... there should be a moment where she's feeling directly forced to.

2. I, too, think Luke should show up. Which made me think... would Mary offering up Luke satisfy the Bogeyman's bloodlust? Mary simply can't give up one of her children... but, Luke... he's replaceable. It might feel just a tad comedic... but, maybe that would work?

3. I don't think Luke should be the hero. This is Mary's story. If anyone saves the day... it should be her. Though, you could make the argument for Devin saving the day. But, it HAS to be one of those two for sure.

Thanks for reading, Paul. Glad you were able to enjoy it.

Guess it's time to cut the shower scene. Lol.

Appreciate your suggestions for a new ending. I think I've got a pretty good idea on how I can cover all three of your points, while still keeping some dark edge of the original ending.

Thanks again, Dude.

*******SPOILERS AHEAD*******

Readers: I'm not sure if he's posted the new version, yet... but, these notes are for an extended version of the short.


Zack,

Okay... here's what makes it work...

You didn't just go: haha, it was all a dream. If you had stopped it right there, major eye roll.

But, by extending it another 6 pages or so, it felt like a smaller part of a larger story, which worked. And, by making the dream critical to her understanding of how serious the Bogeyman is... it made the dream integral to the story.

So... I liked it.

Poor Devin, though, is going to have major trust issues.

Good job!