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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Here Comes The Bogeyman
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  Author    Here Comes The Bogeyman  (currently 3409 views)
Zack
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading through this again, Paul. Much appreciated.

I want to do another pass before I share it here. Won't be too long though.
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khamanna
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was a fast read.

So, as I understand she was the Bogeyman, right? If that's correct you better show why she flipped. Was she sick and tired of caring for the children or else.

If that's not the case (which I doubt very much) then It kind of starts abruptly. I want to know why he chose her. Even for a slasher I'd say show that. Why them?

Did she promise him a child in return for something?

At any rate it starts abruptly for me. I wish there's more explanation to what happened in there. And also I'm not sure if she flipped - so a bit of clarity.

But it kept me on my toes. So, fast read on one hand which is very good.
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Zack
Posted: November 22nd, 2019, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, Kham. Happy you were able to get through this quick. Means my writing is getting better.

I did not intend to sugguest that she was the Bogeyman. That tells me that this story isn't clear enough. I'm really curious how you came to that conclusion.

I'm working on a new draft that expands the ending and actually brings the "Sophie's choice" into play. Will hopefully have the new draft submitted soon. Still working out a couple of kinks.

Thanks again for the read. If you'd like me to look at something in return, shoot me a PM.

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Zack  -  November 22nd, 2019, 9:10pm
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Zack
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting the rewrite up so fast, Don. You're a machine.

Tweaked a few things with this. Axed the shower scene, replaced with something that hopefully works better. Also have a new ending that I think is much more satisfying, why'll still delivering a gut-punch.

Looking for suggestions on how I can squeeze more suspense out of this.

Kham, you mentioned that you felt this started abruptly. And suggestions on how I could punch up the opening?

The plan is to enter this into some competitions.
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khamanna
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Oh ok, I’ll take a look either today or tomorrow. What I meant is - provide some sort of answers. I think that would take care of the start. Why her kids - that question. But maybe just me. And I haven’t read the rewrite just yet. I’ll be back...
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Zack
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Kham. Looking forward to you thoughts.
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Zack
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what happened, but some of the pages seem to be blank. Anyone else have this issue? Should I resubmit?
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LC
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quite a few pages blank. Weird. Wasn't like that when I read it. I think resubmit Zack/query Don?


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Zack
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what happened. Just resubmitted.
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Zack
Posted: November 27th, 2019, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Revised draft is up. Thanks, Don.

Excited to see what people think of this now.
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LC
Posted: November 28th, 2019, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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Whew! That put me through the wringer.

So, you've combined an exhaustive (eighteen pages) 'it was all a dream' culminating in a spin back to reality and a Sophie's, (or in this case Mary's) Choice denouement.

Zack, am I right in saying Tyler cops it in the end but it's actually he (the younger one) who is the more courageous?

You create the atmosphere of dread very well. That said, I think you could streamline a little bit of the description at the top ( the thunder etc) and it'll still be effective.

I still have a few qualms with regard to Mary's actions. Scared people in horror movies always throw the door wide open to the thing or person they most fear. I'd personally be crouched under a table with the kids in my arms, and a phone in my hand calling the police. I suppose you can justify anything in that first part though cause dreams are illogical. I'm still on the fence about whether I'm buying that really long dream sequence though. It's three-quarters of the entire script.

I do think you need to get rid of this Bogeyman's dialogue.

BOGEYMAN (O.S.)
Not the way this works. You already
know how this ends if you don’t
choose. Which one will it be?

Having him speak to this degree doesn't work imho.  It makes him more human than evil entity and his words are just a bit on the nose. You get away with the first 'make your choice' utterance and your audience already knows what the deal is. In that way that dialogue above is redundant and it's scarier to me if he says nothing more.

I can't properly remember the details of the first draft, only that I wanted Mary to be more heroic and less horror movie dumb. She's definitely feisty in this draft.

The point at which the dream ended, the time on her cell phone, the two boys appearing in front of her - is terrific, and very creepy, and we were launched into reality which was was pretty exciting. I thought ooh, a time loop and I was right there on the edge of my seat e.g. Mary knows this bogeyman, knows what he's capable of based on what happened in the dream, so she should be able to use it to her advantage to outwit him.

SPOILERS...



Except... She throws the kid to the wolves, so to speak.
Hmm, it's a very novel out-there choice I'll give you that, but it seems no matter what Mary attempts the Bogeyman is unbeatable and he just rips people's hearts out with little effort. That's the bit that throws me, the inevitability..

Honestly, I'm just not sure...
I dunno... Maybe.
Gonna give it another read...

Okay: part 2, after the second read:

A few typos btw, like this one:
it’s pendulum swings

I mainly focused on story so...
If it were me I'd make this feature length with the myth of 'having to make a choice with the children' as background. Perhaps the bogeyman comes with the house. This new single mother (widow) of two boys moves in following the death of her husband perhaps. One of the children starts having nightmares, sees the bogeyman in his dreams, then starts seeing him in his waking hours, in the house, at the shops, at school - this thing appears everywhere but nobody else sees it. Have the new love interest - neighbour perhaps? Kid becomes paralysed with fear, and then the brother starts seeing the bogeyman too. Mother eventually discovers (researches the Internet re the previous house owner) the young woman (also a widow) who lived there was accused of killing one of her children...and so it goes. Then the ending can be Mary fighting the bogeyman with the knowledge she acquires - to save both her kids, unlike the poor first woman who's probably accused of being insane or a psychopath, locked up etc.
Write it as myth, fable, allegory, (women can't survive on their own without male protection) etc. The bogeyman really does exist.

I don't know... It's a good idea  transferring Sophie's Choice to the horror genre and it's about time the horror genre had another fighter, another final girl like Laurie Strode. Make her a heroine, not victim, maybe with a twist or cliffhanger at the end ensuring a sequel.

Of course I could be talking through a hole in my head.  

...

P.S. It's so quiet cause you lot are celebrating Thanksgiving, right? Right!  



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  November 28th, 2019, 8:41am
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Zack
Posted: November 28th, 2019, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading this again, Libby. I'm at work right now, but I'll get back on here and respond later tonight.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  February 6th, 2020, 7:26pm
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Zack
Posted: November 29th, 2019, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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"Whew! That put me through the wringer."

Hope that's a good thing.

"So, you've combined an exhaustive (eighteen pages) 'it was all a dream' culminating in a spin back to reality and a Sophie's, (or in this case Mary's) Choice denouement."

It took me a while to settle on the ending. I really like what I was able to do with this. Tried to hit all the points you guys mentioned in your previous reviews, while still trying to throw in a surprise or two.

"Zack, am I right in saying Tyler cops it in the end but it's actually he (the younger one) who is the more courageous?"

Yes, Tyler is less scared than Devin. Mainly because Devin is the one who had the dream. Tyler isn't really aware of what exactly is happening. The reason Mary chose him over Devin is because he was right there. She didn't have time to think about the decision, she just had to act.

"You create the atmosphere of dread very well. That said, I think you could streamline a little bit of the description at the top ( the thunder etc) and it'll still be effective."

I see what you're saying. I'll go back and see if I can't tighten this up a bit more.

"I still have a few qualms with regard to Mary's actions. Scared people in horror movies always throw the door wide open to the thing or person they most fear. I'd personally be crouched under a table with the kids in my arms, and a phone in my hand calling the police. I suppose you can justify anything in that first part though cause dreams are illogical. I'm still on the fence about whether I'm buying that really long dream sequence though. It's three-quarters of the entire script."

Which of Mary's actions do you disagree with? I changed the shower scene. Not sure what else you could be referring to.

"I do think you need to get rid of this Bogeyman's dialogue.

BOGEYMAN (O.S.)
Not the way this works. You already
know how this ends if you don�t
choose. Which one will it be?

Having him speak to this degree doesn't work imho.  It makes him more human than evil entity and his words are just a bit on the nose. You get away with the first 'make your choice' utterance and your audience already knows what the deal is. In that way that dialogue above is redundant and it's scarier to me if he says nothing more."

Agree with you 100%. That line is unnecessary.

"I can't properly remember the details of the first draft, only that I wanted Mary to be more heroic and less horror movie dumb. She's definitely feisty in this draft."

Odd, I didn't really tweak much in terms of Mary's feisty-ness. Only thing I really changed, besides the new expanded ending, is I changed the shower scene to something hopefully more logical.

"The point at which the dream ended, the time on her cell phone, the two boys appearing in front of her - is terrific, and very creepy, and we were launched into reality which was was pretty exciting. I thought ooh, a time loop and I was right there on the edge of my seat e.g. Mary knows this bogeyman, knows what he's capable of based on what happened in the dream, so she should be able to use it to her advantage to outwit him.
SPOILERS...
Except... She throws the kid to the wolves, so to speak.
Hmm, it's a very novel out-there choice I'll give you that, but it seems no matter what Mary attempts the Bogeyman is unbeatable and he just rips people's hearts out with little effort. That's the bit that throws me, the inevitability..."

Figured this ending might be a lot to take in. Lol. The "dream sequence" was set up from the very start, with Devin mentioning that the Bogeyman visited him in his dreams. I could have ended it with the boys waking their mom up, then as they start up the stairs... Four knocks at the front door cause all three to stop dead in their tracks. But I wanted to have the "choice" factor in. And I wanted to bring Luke back into the story. I think I was able to hit all those points with this new ending. I know it's a bit of a gut-punch, but hopefully I set it up well enough for it to feel earned.

"If it were me I'd make this feature length with the myth of 'having to make a choice with the children' as background. Perhaps the bogeyman comes with the house. This new single mother (widow) of two boys moves in following the death of her husband perhaps. One of the children starts having nightmares, sees the bogeyman in his dreams, then starts seeing him in his waking hours, in the house, at the shops, at school - this thing appears everywhere but nobody else sees it. Have the new love interest - neighbour perhaps? Kid becomes paralysed with fear, and then the brother starts seeing the bogeyman too. Mother eventually discovers (researches the Internet re the previous house owner) the young woman (also a widow) who lived there was accused of killing one of her children...and so it goes. Then the ending can be Mary fighting the bogeyman with the knowledge she acquires - to save both her kids, unlike the poor first woman who's probably accused of being insane or a psychopath, locked up etc.
Write it as myth, fable, allegory, (women can't survive on their own without male protection) etc. The bogeyman really does exist."

Interesting idea, Libby. Never thought about having the Bogeyman "come with the house". That's definitely some good food for thought. I do plan on turning this into a feature, but I have to develop the mythology of the Bogeyman more before I even start thinking about that. Why is the Bogeyman tied to this house? Can he be defeated?

"I don't know... It's a good idea  transferring Sophie's Choice to the horror genre and it's about time the horror genre had another fighter, another final girl like Laurie Strode. Make her a heroine, not victim, maybe with a twist or cliffhanger at the end ensuring a sequel."

Lol, just like me. Always thinking ahead and planning a sequel.

Thanks again for reading this, Libby. I always appreciate your opinion.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  December 8th, 2019, 11:05am
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MarkItZero
Posted: November 29th, 2019, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

That was a quick read. Intense. Wasn't sure about the dream thing at first but it grew on me. You do have to prove to her (and the audience) that she really has no choice.

The only other way I can think is for The Bogeyman to have both kids in his clutches, holding them up by the neck, so she has to choose one or lose both.

That seems less engaging with fewer twists then the way you did it though. Long way of saying, I like the dream.

The only suggestion I have is geared more towards a feature version. I'd say make her more vulnerable. Not that she can't summon some inner reserve of strength later, but make her as susceptible as possible to this monster.

It's trying to take her children. So maybe she has some deep fear of abandonment, she's extremely overprotective. Or, even the opposite, she's struggling to cope with parenting and has unwanted resentment towards her children.

Basically, in some way, the monster is a personification of her fears.

You could possibly work that into the short on pg. 4-6. Maybe she and Luke get into an argument instead. He wants to be more involved with the kids, she's resistant, pushing him away, etc. But I enjoyed the short as is.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Zack
Posted: November 29th, 2019, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, James. Thanks for giving this a look. Happy you enjoyed it.


Quoted from MarkItZero

That was a quick read. Intense. Wasn't sure about the dream thing at first but it grew on me. You do have to prove to her (and the audience) that she really has no choice.


At least everyone seems to agree that this is paced well. Glad the dream thing worked for ya. Took me a while to figure out how to incorporate it. Hopefully I did a pretty good job.


Quoted from MarkItZero


The only suggestion I have is geared more towards a feature version. I'd say make her more vulnerable. Not that she can't summon some inner reserve of strength later, but make her as susceptible as possible to this monster.

It's trying to take her children. So maybe she has some deep fear of abandonment, she's extremely overprotective. Or, even the opposite, she's struggling to cope with parenting and has unwanted resentment towards her children.

Basically, in some way, the monster is a personification of her fears.


Great idea. It would definitely give the Mary character some depth. If I do turn this into a feature, I'll certainly explore this further.


Quoted from MarkItZero


You could possibly work that into the short on pg. 4-6. Maybe she and Luke get into an argument instead. He wants to be more involved with the kids, she's resistant, pushing him away, etc. But I enjoyed the short as is.


Another good idea. It would actually give Luke a better reason to show up towards the end. He comes to the house to apologize for the argument.

Thanks again for reading, Dude.
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