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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Night He Came Back - OWC
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  Author    The Night He Came Back - OWC  (currently 2191 views)
Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mr Bacon - love your work in the EE adverts  

This is the last one for me - at least, I think it's the last one - I've lost track.


Quoted Text
EDDY
I don’t know. I mean, he dies last
night? The night before his
thirty-seventh anniversary? C’mon.
That’s pretty weird, Dude.


Is it? how so? anniversary of what?

What are they talking about? right, I'm hitting up google.... BRB

Google tell's me nothing. This opening exchange doesn't make much sense but I'll go on.

P.S thank you for not starting this story on the doorstep waving goodbye to guests  
Oh and thanks for not having 4 opening pages of boring talk with no sign of horror, you get it in there quicker than others which is a good sign.

The Carver is 52 eh, oddly specific age for someone in a jumpsuit and mask (We can't tell their age if we can't see them) - also, if Carver is Thomas, and Thomas is a murderer from 37 years ago, that means he was 15... that's a fucked up kid.

So, I think you miss vital exposition here. Am I correct in thinking. 37 Years ago, Thomas Murphy murdered some people. 37 years later, he dies (I'm assuming he was in prison or something?) and then his body goes missing from the morgue.
It's not entirely clear.

It's not my type of film but I enjoyed it for what it was. You did some things better than other writers in the OWC - so well done.

It is basically a rip-off of Halloween, right? but I bet people can;t get enough of that stuff so who really cares. You just need to tidy the story up a bit.

Well done


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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I had no problem with the writing. Not really with the story or characters either. However, this didn't really grab me either. IMHO, the beginning was wrong for this. Why at the gas station? Did we really need all that exposition? I don't think so. IMO, it would work better if that info is fed to us naturally in bits throughout. Besides, your neat and tidy gas station does nothing to set the mood for horror. You could've started with the Carver's POV stalking the house, right away...

When Nick had to run to the bathroom, I thought this was going to be a comedy. Then when we hear the scream and it's Nick, it was neither funny nor scary because that part wasn't set-up right for that.

Sounds like a lot of negative, but don't take it that way. It's wasn't bad at all. Just needs tweaking to have the effect on the reader you probably were hoping for.

I would also suggest reading some great horror scripts to get an idea how to write suspense and set-up scares.

Good luck.  


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Lightfoot
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't mind this story, but didn't do a whole lot for me either.

Writing was great.

Don't think all that stuff in the gas station at the start was really needed. You could've just cut all that and developed the ending a bit more. That's what i think this story really needs, some time to work play up the suspense. Not much of a horror fan but I'm guessing it's the suspense that is really important to these types of stories.
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mmmarnie
Posted: October 17th, 2019, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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This was some really great writing and a fun read!! I love the original Halloween so I appreciated all the references. I think this was meant to be fun, nostalgic and bloody....and it was! Nice work.


boop
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Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the opening because it immediately sets the tone and stakes for what’s to follow, and also starts building the tension. Because it’s an obvious homage to “Halloween,” it’s understandable that every action is a direct borrow from that movie. All the same, though, it doesn’t really add anything new to the “Halloween” franchise.
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Zack
Posted: October 19th, 2019, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all for reading. Glad most of you seemed to enjoy it, despite it not being original at all. That said, I've taken the hint. Next OWC, I'm gonna think outside of my little box. Lol

Chris, glad you enjoyed it so much. This is definitely a love-letter to hardcore Halloween fans.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  October 19th, 2019, 8:39pm
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Zack
Posted: October 19th, 2019, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor


The Carver is 52 eh, oddly specific age for someone in a jumpsuit and mask (We can't tell their age if we can't see them) - also, if Carver is Thomas, and Thomas is a murderer from 37 years ago, that means he was 15... that's a fucked up kid.

So, I think you miss vital exposition here. Am I correct in thinking. 37 Years ago, Thomas Murphy murdered some people. 37 years later, he dies (I'm assuming he was in prison or something?) and then his body goes missing from the morgue.
It's not entirely clear.



You nailed it, Dude. That's exactly what happened. 37 years ago, 15 year old Thomas Murphy put on a Halloween mask and went trick or treating. He murdered 17 people before finally being apprehended. He spent the last 37 years in a maximum security-mental-institution. Yesterday, Thomas died in his sleep. This morning, his body disappeared from morgue. I gave you enough imformation to figure it out.

The Carver is a reference to the screenplay of Halloween, where Michael Myers was only ever referred to as The Shape. The Carver is Thomas Murphy.

In hindsight, the toilet humor was a bad decision. Was just trying do something different with the scream.

Seems like my opening gas-station scene split people. It was meant to introduce Deputy Curtis while also feeding a bit of exposition in. I was also trying to be different than the other entries, which I assumed would mostly open with a suburban house.

And I'd also like to give a quick thanks to Faisal, for giving me some good feedback and suggestions. Appreciate it, Dude.

Thanks again, guys. You're all awesome.
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Fais85
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Zack! And you are most welcome. You are a talented writer.

Congratulations on making it into runners up. Pretty good score.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


You nailed it, Dude. That's exactly what happened. 37 years ago, 15 year old Thomas Murphy put on a Halloween mask and went trick or treating. He murdered 17 people before finally being apprehended. He spent the last 37 years in a maximum security-mental-institution. Yesterday, Thomas died in his sleep. This morning, his body disappeared from morgue. I gave you enough imformation to figure it out.


I guess so lol

well done on this one Zack
I don't think I've ever seen Halloween, so a homage to it is lost on me. But I still enjoyed it


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor

I don't think I've ever seen Halloween, so a homage to it is lost on me. But I still enjoyed it


You've never seen Hallween?  How is that even possible?  Seriously...how is that possible?  It's been remade, re-imagined 2 times!!!
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 20th, 2019, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


You've never seen Hallween?  How is that even possible?  Seriously...how is that possible?  It's been remade, re-imagined 2 times!!!


Not been a fan of horror films ever since my sister made me watch Candyman as a kid, then jumped behind me as I was brushing my teeth yelling "CANDYMAN!" Repeatedly in the mirror....  :


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 21st, 2019, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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I was terrified of Michael Myers when I was a kid. Look at me now.


FADE IN:
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Zack
Posted: September 28th, 2021, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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New draft up! Halloween fans, this is for you.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  October 11th, 2021, 12:42pm
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