The Scarecrow by Austin Bennett - Short, Horror - Supper at grandmother's house turns deadly after a jock attacks his girlfriend.  8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Austin,

Nice little Halloween tale you have. Appreciate the seasonal vibe. However, as with most horror, I find it hard to find the logic here. I don't think we were given any indication the Ellen was evil - unless, as usual, I missed it. She seemed like a perfectly fine old lady save for the fact dinner was later than expected. Did she somehow know Chip was a bad guy? That he would somehow try and rape Lois in the cornfield?

And what of Chip? A jock who's a little too touchy-feely, but no indication that's he'd try and rape Lois later on. This kind of thing doesn't make sense to me and, like I said with most horror, it usually doesn't.

Overall, a decent tale but not enough meat on the bones for me.

Steve

To improve this script, I recommend going back to the beginning and focusing on planting seeds. As it currently stands, you don't give any indication early on that Ellen uses magic, or that Chip is a rapist. These are things that you need to suggest early on.

For example:

Regarding Chip, you can have him say something to Lois in the car that comes off as "controlling", or, when they arrive at the house, you can have Ellen notice a bruise on Lois's arm. Anything to indicate that Chip is abusive. That way, when he tries to rape her, it doesn't feel out of place. Right now, he's presented as a horny boyfriend for 90% of the script, and Lois' interaction with him doesn't seem to indicate abuse.

Similarly, you also should hint that Ellen dabbles in the dark arts. Lois could ask her if she still has those artifacts lying around, or something along those lines. Essentially, by planting these seeds, you're not giving away what happens, but you're slowly building up to a climax that feels more put together.

- Bayne