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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Confessions of a Cadaver
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  Author    Confessions of a Cadaver  (currently 3390 views)
Warren
Posted: October 29th, 2019, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Quoted from LC



And a note about: (O.C.). Warren often remarks this is a TV thing only. And I looked it up, see


I think I usually say that people will know what you mean anyway. It's definitely more of a personal preference thing. Most of what I do comes out of The Screenwriter's Bible. People will probably say it’s just another guru trying to make a quick buck, but I really don’t think you can go wrong with it.

I think it's a solid base to start from and then develop your own style as you go.

https://www.booktopia.com.au/s.....3EAQYASABEgL8mvD_BwE


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Warren
Posted: October 29th, 2019, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi Matt,


Quoted Text
Gloved hands take a scalpel to the abdomen of a CADAVER.


I read this a few times and it doesn’t seem right. A gloved hand? Is he holding the scalpel with both hands while cutting, it’s just an odd image.


Quoted Text
Observer raises both hands, as if comparing the weight of
invisible objects.
OBSERVER
Loveless father, drug abuse. Same
thing.


You have some really top notch subtext here and I feel it’s spoilt by the dialogue. I knew exactly what you meant without it.


Quoted Text
SURGEON
Cause of death, self inflicted
wound leading to massive
hemorrhaging.


self-inflicted    

Massive doesn’t feel like the right word for a surgeon or to come before hemorrhaging, maybe substantial?

This is a really good three pager. Good luck with the comp.

And yes... get rid of those unsightly (O.C.)'s


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 30th, 2019, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Curiosity got me.
STUDENT (O.C.)
Suicide.
Not needed IMHO. Spoon feeding your audience. Or is it you've promised a speaking role to a friend?  


Ha! I wish I had the guts to make this myself (and the cash).
At this point, the surgeon is standing there with his eyes closed, so I guess the student could just say "Doctor?" - (Although in the UK, surgeons apparently get pissed if you call them Docter instead of Mr/Mrs)



Quoted Text
Okay, you've got a grinding rib cutter, organ removal, the Observer slicing open his wrists, plus the
supernatural element, but you think this is drama? I say 'horror'.

What's everyone else think?
If I was going to sit down and watch a drama I'd be a tiny bit shocked if this started playing especially if I had kids in tow


Good point well made - My brain always jumps to horror = scary. This isn't scary, but I guess it is a bit gross lol


Quoted Text
His father broke it so often I bet
it has more scars than a blind
carpenter.

I guess you're going for a little light relief but this doesn't quite work for me. I'm not your only audience though, so again see what others think.


No idea - I wrote about 20 different lines for this part, they were all terrible. Might step away rom this one for a couple of weeks and come back with fresh eyes.


Quoted Text
on the cubital fossa
(checks groin)
And on the femoral vein.

Up to you but I've worked transcribing doctor reports and I've only ever heard them remark on damage 'to', not 'damage 'on'.


Bugger, I originally had "to" and changed it


Quoted Text
Bright clothes on the Observer?
I thought you might reference that changed by the end? Otherwise, why?


Yes, that was the plan - have the clothes and his skin fade by the end, but I ran into two issues:

1 - page count, kept pushing me over.
2 - organically adding it in. Everytime I did it was something like "The Observers clothes fade with every passing moment" - Which kind of pulled me out of the story a bit. I didn't know how to get it in there naturally with the action.



Quoted Text
And a note about: (O.C.). Warren often remarks this is a TV thing only. And I looked it up, see below:

(O.C.) O.C. stands for “Off Camera,” which is different than Off Screen. Off Camera means the person we cannot see is in the same room as another character he/she is speaking with but cannot be seen because maybe the camera is trained on only one person.

So if Adam is at a table and the director has the camera at a close up on Adam, Adam will fill the screen. We can’t see anyone else. So if Stacey is at the other end of the table carrying on a conversation with Adam, all of her dialogue would be labeled as (O.C.) until she was brought into the shot, that is to say, appears on screen.


So, there's all that which tallies, but then this:

It’s important to remember that if you are writing a movie script you do not use (O.C.), you will use (O.S.) you will use (O.C.) when you are writing for television. (O.S.) = film (O.C.) = TV.

I'm used to seeing (O.S.) in film scripts. Just one for the format police.


Warren has told me a few times to use O.S instead of O.C - for some reason, my auto reaction is to type O.C and it's hard to break a habit - need to try and make it part of my rewriting to find these things.

Again, thanks for the useful notes and observations - Very helpful. Fingers crossed one day one of these are made (If not, I'll save up the money and film one myself)


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 30th, 2019, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Hi Matt,



I read this a few times and it doesn’t seem right. A gloved hand? Is he holding the scalpel with both hands while cutting, it’s just an odd image.



You have some really top notch subtext here and I feel it’s spoilt by the dialogue. I knew exactly what you meant without it.



self-inflicted    

Massive doesn’t feel like the right word for a surgeon or to come before hemorrhaging, maybe substantial?

This is a really good three pager. Good luck with the comp.

And yes... get rid of those unsightly (O.C.)'s


Thanks for the read Warren - you read the old version but I think your points still stand with the new version.

Gloved hands is rather odd isn't it. wouldn't trust a surgeon who had to use two hands on a scalpel lol

I do struggle with how much to feed to the audience, and I do think I fall on the side of spoon feeding. I might have to get my better half to read these first and quiz her on the plot and subtext.

Thanks again


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Zack
Posted: October 30th, 2019, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Matt. How ya doin', Dude? Gave this a read.

Kinda confused. Seems like you are setting up the Observer to be the Cadaver, but then you reveal that the Observer and the Surgeon have the same exact scar, so... The Observer is actually the Surgeon? I don't know, Dude. I think it would work better if he was actually the Cadaver. It's a little predictable, but I feel like it's a more satisfying conclusion.

The writing itself is actually pretty good. No issues or hang ups on that front.

Solid effort here.





Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  October 30th, 2019, 8:54pm
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 31st, 2019, 4:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Hey, Matt. How ya doin', Dude? Gave this a read.

Kinda confused. Seems like you are setting up the Observer to be the Cadaver, but then you reveal that the Observer and the Surgeon have the same exact scar, so... The Observer is actually the Surgeon? I don't know, Dude. I think it would work better if he was actually the Cadaver. It's a little predictable, but I feel like it's a more satisfying conclusion.

The writing itself is actually pretty good. No issues or hang ups on that front.

Solid effort here.





Hey Zack! I am good, hope you are well  

Thanks for the read - seems everyone had the same issue with the observer's identity (And here I thought I was being clever lol)
The new version is up with a little switch of identities  



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Matthew Taylor  -  November 4th, 2019, 5:22am
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Andrew
Posted: November 2nd, 2019, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey Matt,

Liked what you did with the writing on this one. Flows nicely, and was very easy to read. At no point did I feel I needed to leave the script.

That sounds like false praise, but really isn't! So many scripts have me wanting to hit the x.

That said, I was a little bamboozled with the reveal (most seem to have got it); I'm not at all sure what happens here? I felt a little hoodwinked, that is to say it felt like you were deliberately being deceptive to mask a reveal as opposed to an organic unfolding that leads to a surprising conclusion. If that makes any sense at all!

Good luck with the competition. I'm sure it will do well.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 2nd, 2019, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Hi matthew

Had a quick read and also the comments above.

I think this has potential, and whilst I’m never a fan of readers suggesting alternative ways to present it, that’s just what I’m going to do !!

I don’t feel the surgeon should know it was his son - in reality would he never be allowed to do this if he knew.

I would suggest it is set up as just a druggie bum off the streets - one to use for the students. I could even then see the observer enter the room, or appear

I would prefer the observer to be his son, and thought this was the case, but perhaps standing amongst the students, but clearly not one of them

I like the way the surgeon could reveal the dark history of the corpse - which the observer then explains why

One possible idea is a mark, a tattoo etc, that the surgeon finds at the end which makes him suddenly realise the connection. If so, you would have two options. Either it hits him hard or we see the coldness that lead to the sons issues in the first place.

All the best




My scripts  HERE

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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 4th, 2019, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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What draft is this Matthew?  Hopefully, a very early one, as there are lots of mistakes.

"mount" - "amount"  "of" - "off"  "cadavers" - "cadaver's"  There are more, but these are all on the final page.

Story-wise, for me, it's rather cliche and obvious from the very beginning, but that's because of how you chose to write it - it's a dead give away the second I read "observer".  Do you want to give away the "twist"  If not, add the actual observer's name right off the bat and have this "ghost" or whatever you want it to be, be one of the students (and I wouldn't have them huddled around the Surgeon - have them watching from an observation room) or maybe watching from afar.

If you read this out loud to yourself, do you see how odd it sounds every time you write both "Surgeon" and "Observer"?  Peeps do this shit all the time and I just don't understand how they don't see how crappy it reads.  "the Surgeon" sounds much better.  "The observer" sounds much better.  But personally, I'd lose both.

"Gloved hands" doesn't work at all.  The "blind carpenter" line doesn't work, either.

Obviously, if we think about reality here, this doesn't work, period, but that's OK, it doesn't have to.

You can very easily apply some misdirection here by making a few changes, and that way your readers won't know if the observer is a friend or family member of the deceased, and an/or maybe that the Surgeon was involved in his death, possibly.

There is potential here, but for me, it doesn't work at all as written.
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Zack
Posted: November 5th, 2019, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Matt. Read through this again. Definitely an improvement, at least IMO.

I believe Black Screen should be on the left. And just Black will do.

I've noticed a few others have taken issue with the "gloved hands" description. Doesn't bug me. I'm seeing what you want me to see.

(O.C.)? I believe that's TV-format. Could be wrong.

Lose the Student's line "Suicide." Cheapens the impact of the moment.

Overall, this draft is much better. A few small typos that need to be ironed out, but it's good little story. Not sure horror is the right genre. Maybe drama?





Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  November 5th, 2019, 9:22pm
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 6th, 2019, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the responses guys! much appreciated. Will help towards a rewrite.

Another rewrite and a few tweaks and I think this is ready to go.


Quoted from Zack
Not sure horror is the right genre. Maybe drama?


I have no idea what genre this is.... can I make up a genre? I'm gonna go with "Icky Drama"







Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Zack
Posted: November 6th, 2019, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Let me know when you get the next draft up, Dude.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 24th, 2019, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Matt

I'm guessing this is the rewrite because of the ending. And, I really don't have much to add but job well done. I enjoyed it. Clean writing, enjoyed the story. However, I read before reading the comments, and I still got the cadaver and Observer as one and the same, as the son. I think it works better that way, whether it seems "obvious" or not; it's still effective. I hope it does well.

BLB.


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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eldave1
Posted: December 26th, 2019, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was well written, well crafted. It's a compelling story other than I couldn't quite get over the Surgeon doing the autopsy on his own son. Maybe movie logic allows that.

The last line doesn't land. I'd nuke it or replace it with something akin to Find your peace or maybe something contrarian - i.e., it was you who failed me - or I forgive you

Or nothing would work.

Anyway - great work.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 31st, 2019, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Thank you both for the comments - I have decided against entering it into the competition as the prize for winning didn't really seem worth it - but I will hopefully do something with it.

Yes, the Son/Cadaver.Observer all being the same isn't meant to be a surprise, viewers will get there quickly - It's more about the revelation for the father as his son's body tells him a story.

Thanks for the reads


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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