On The Radio by Anthony Drew - Short, Horror - Being paranoid about a killer in your area is pretty understandable, all you have to do is go to your local dance studio after-hours and loosen up. What's the worst that can happen? 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Interesting piece. Was easy enough to get through, and was invested enough to want to finish.

Couple of things I didn't really like:

1) The dialogue between Renae and Giovanna; the purpose - if I'm right - is to drop a red herring to suggest Giovanna is the killer, and now has Renae where she wants her, but the dialogue just doesn't work as is, for me. It feels stilted and other than serving the purpose of being a sleight of hand, it feels unnecessary.
2) The dance is a medium to unleash the werewolves? She is able to channel the dance to release her inner demons to kill? That's the ending, right? I may have misread that, but as a concept (and I may be flat out wrong) it's just not for me, although I can see it working really well for others.

Ultimately, I think there needs to be some work on why two women are pitching up to the studio late at night; what is the outer motivation? I get it with Renae (although we see why she is doing it on the surface and the motivation is kind of self-evident, but still feels light to me), but we don't have that motivation for Giovanna, so it ends up feeling far-fetched. It also makes the two guys pretty redundant in the grand scheme of things. Ultimately, I think something we need more throughout here is more show, and less tell to get the story across.

You set it up as a pretty standard creepy slasher, but then shift to a more supernatural vibe. I just feel like the scaffolding isn't in play to facilitate that switch, and more work needs to be done to establish the world and the character motivations.

Sorry, that all sounds very negative (and, of course, it's just one opinion that may not be more widely shared), but it is a product of having had some investment in the story, which is where you want your reader to be.

Would be keen to hear your thoughts on the story.

Intriguing for sure, but very baffled by the ending. You put a lot of focus on the Manhattan Killer, seemingly foreshadowing that a serial killer would be involved in the story. However, the killer never makes an appearance. Instead, the story concludes with werewolves and dark magic.

At least, I think there was dark magic? I was confused about whether or not Renae was connected to the werewolf attack or if she was experiencing a completely separate peril of her own. I was also taken out of the story when Renae breaks the fourth wall at the end. That being said, the scene is still very engaging from a visual standpoint. It has potential to be fairly effective.

I suggest dropping a couple hints early on that werewolves and/or magic will be involved. For example, suggest that the previous victims of the Manhattan Killer resembled victims of an animal attack.

Two more observations:

1) It's a little strange that the radio DJ inserts a serial killer update in between songs. Perhaps Renae could change the station and stumble upon the report? That way, the news briefing wouldn't feel so out of place.

2) Change the sentence: "the cold December doesn't give no mercy" to "the cold December shows no mercy".

Happy writing.