The Other Side by Kirsten James - Short, Horror - A young woman and her boyfriend find out the hard way that the spirit world is not to be messed with. 13 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Kirsten. This is only the first short of yours I have read, but I wanna say I liked the writing here. The action was clear and the script didn't drag or anything  .

SPOILERS

I like the ending with the police. At first I thought it would probably end with a Samantha doppelganger showing up at Josh's place, but the police coming for him was a good surprise and actually more somber and real. I think it ends at the exact right moment, too. The Doppeganger quoting Josh's "harmless" lines is a nice, creepy idea as well.

What felt a bit too fast for me was when Josh first said he'd call the police. Samantha only said "the cupboards" without context, mentioned the planchette and some other things that I think would weird him out, but maybe not make him think of a burglar right away (It would have been quite tragic, if he had called the cops, though - he would have led them right to the murder "he" committed  ).

You kept calling it a "doppleganger", but I have never heard it spelled that way - not entirely sure here.

Hi Dan,

Thanks heaps for the read and comments. Yes I did get doppelganger wrong and it's all spellcheck's fault...lol. how embarrassing for spell check . I'll be back later to finish this..

Hi Kirstin,

This was really effective. Some small and subjective things:

You could be more efficient in your descriptions. For instance, your opening slug establishes the location as a duplex, so you could skip right over name-dropping it as a duplex in the following action line.

I had to google what a planchette was but I guess there's really no less awkward way to describe it.

Overall, quite enjoyed it. Neat and tidy....but was this written in Word?

Okay Dan,

I'm glad the ending wasn't obvious to you. I've been working on this script for far too long which is a good and bad thing, so sometimes it felt like a big ol' blurr in my head. And thanks for mentioning the doppelganger's repetitions of Josh's previous dialogue. I wanted it to be creepy and it worked..Yay!

As for Josh calling the police, I wanted it to come across that he was not concerned it was paranormal and more concerned someone was there. But I also didn't want him to call the cops, which lead to me having to get the timing right. Thats why the doppelganger talks to josh on the phone to distract him and make him think it was just her playing with him. but since you felt it was rushed I will take another look at that section. i was fiddly



Hey Ben,

Thanks heaps for reading and commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yeah it was written in word.... I did mess up the spelling of Doppelganger. Spell check had underlined it lol... I have a very old MAC and I can't download any screenwriting software, so I use trusty ol' word...

I have been pulled up before for repeating the location in the action line. I think its got to do with my writing level. I need to re work the sentence structure to accommodate this. As written it's an okay sentence but not for a screenplay.

When I wrote the planchette scene I wanted to describe it because I knew some people might not know what it was, then I realized there was no way around it, they would just have to look it up lol....

From Kirsten, "Picked Up by a film maker in India".

Let us know how it goes, Kirsten!

Don

Thanks Don, I will...

Congrats, Kirsten!

I read this the other day but in the lead up to Christmas & a house move I didn't have time to comment. I do remember it was horror nicely done. Looking forward to seeing the production.

Congrats

Hi Dave and LC, Thank you

LC thanks for giving it a read. Yeah thats a crappy time of year to have to move, hope it went as smoothly as possible. And I see you're a cousie from across the sea.... I'm originally from Christchurch. I went to Brisbane last year to visit my niece, first time I'd ever been out of an Aussie airport. I loved it! Loved seeing the wild birds.... can't wait to take my US family over. There's a woman from Aussie that waitresses here at a local cafe, and of course the first time we met we naturally give each other a hard time....

Hi Kirsten, hope you are well?

Fantastic news that this one has been picked up, I hope that all comes off for you!

Loved this script and I think I owe you a review. Since it’s hopefully going to be made there’s obviously nothing wrong with it, but I’ll let you know my thoughts below in case they are useful in any way for the future.  I’ve been picky cause it’s well written, but these were my initial thoughts as I read it...

1.

Quoted Text Duplex.

Is it important that the story take place in a duplex?  In the UK it’s not a word that is used much (if at all).  If it’s not important to the story, is it possibly localising the story where it is not necessary?

2.

EDIT - this one was OK

3.

Quoted Text “Ahhhhhhhhhhh. You have it on silent.  No, hang on. You must be outside. I can’t hear you talking”

- this felt a bit to over written to me, like you needed to explain her thinking to the reader, so you made her say it out loud?  “Are you outside” might have been enough?

4.

Quoted Text “Alone. No dicks allowed” -

- I thought she had established that Josh wasn’t in the house?  But I suppose the yelling out covers it?

5.

Quoted Text “Look, just go to the neighbors. Get out of there. I’ll call the cops.”

- I think his decision to call the cops could be more realistic if she let him know first that there was someone in her apartment?

6.

Quoted Text The Figure steps out onto the darkened porch. The Figure slowly steps off the porch and walks down the path towards Samantha. It starts to look familiar…

This was the main issue I had, but it's easy to fix.  I think you might need to make it clearer that Samantha can not see the figure at this moment in time, only the audience can?  

You do clear that up later (“Unaware of the looming presence behind her”) but you needed to explain it earlier I think?

>>> Actually, this is the moment I liked the most, and I wondered if it might have played out better if Sam COULD see the figure emerging from the house/darkness, slowly, so it dawns on her (slowly) that it can not be Josh she is seeing because he is also on the phone speaking with her?

7.     

Loved the bit where not-Josh takes on Samantha’s voice - that would be really effective on screen, especially if they show a shot of Samantha hearing her own voice when she's in the bedroom...

8.

Quoted Text DOPPELGANGER (Josh’s voice) “Come on Boo, you couldn’t get enough of me last night”.

Wooo!  What about:  

Quoted Text DOPPELGANGER (Samantha’s voice) “Oh come on Boo, you..” (Josh’s voice) “…couldn’t get enough of me last night”.

9.

Quoted Text “Mam. We have witnesses that place him at the scene of the crime.”

- perhaps a bit too over written, or “the scene of the crime” seems a bit much here  “Mam. There’s witnesses” might be enough?



Anyway, as I say these are all picky things is a really great story Kirsten, you write in a way that is very clear and concise…  can’t wait to see it!

All the best, Happy New Year - Rob

Congrats!

Hello Kristen,

  Really a nice take on the Ouija Board based story. Loved the ending specially.

  And yeah congrats.

Hey Anthony! Thank you



Hey Rob! I'm great thanks. Out of the Christmas madness... I hope you are well..

Thank you for your read, comments and kind words.

I wish there was nothing wrong with this lol, but a little something I've learnt over the years is that even with errors logical and otherwise someone will still want to film it. lol.

In regards to the duplex, I wanted the place to be small enough for a single woman to be renting. And also more isolated than an apartment block. I would love a house but it would be too unrealistic for a single young adult to be paying full rent lol... ugggh logistics just suck!

Yes I do need to work on that dialogue, it has confused someone else, and I did it to fix a logic issue that if he were inside talking on the phone she would hear him. So I'll work on that..

I will work on that section with him calling the cops because like before someone else got tripped up on that. Looking back at it, I might get rid of the whole cop thing.

BRB got to get to work

Hey Yuvraj, thanks for your read, I'm glad you liked it...


And Rob......

You are right about making sure the reader knows Sam can't see the Doppelganger, easy fix, I'll just mention it earlier in that sequence.

I like your idea about Sam seeing him sooner while on the phone, and trying to put 2 and 2 together but I like that she has no clue and it stands there right behind her, staring at her..... I think it would add more logic issues because then Josh would be very stressed and want to come over and I'm trying to avoid that for the ending to work. It was suggested he be driving in his car over there and then turn back after he realises Sam is 'suppose' to be messing with him. But for now I think its more of a creative choice. But I do like what your saying.

And yes, I did have trouble with the ending dialogue, I did wonder if it sounded a little on the nose...hoaky... Good idea. I'll change it...

Thanks again for the pointers, you brought up issues i did and didn't wonder about, which is lot of help in clarifying those scenes.


And I look forward to your next script..... any coming soon???

Congrats, Kirsten. That's amazing. Not all heroes wear capes. -Andrea

Hey Andrea, thankyou!!! .

This is a re-write with a few things added that hopefully spruce it up...

Will check this out in a little bit! Really hope it gets picked up soon, I really liked the version I read and reviewed.

https://www.simplyscripts.com/.....able-for-production/

-- Michael

Hey thanks Michael, I only added a little to the beginning. I made the female character catholic and added an upside down cross and upsidedown picture of the virgin mary. And the doppelganger mentions her Catholicism when he's talking to her before she gets it....soooo hopefully it adds more to the story.

I started reading They Never Left, I'm up to pg25...and am about to read some more right now...