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Cookies (currently 1574 views) |
Don |
Posted: December 19th, 2019, 11:29am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Cookies by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - Suma is alone in her new home when an old lady comes to greet her. 8 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Yuvraj |
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 12:27pm |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts789 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Can't I get a feedback on this? 😔 |
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Reply: 1 - 17 |
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Zack |
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 12:57pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4497 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Hey, Yuvraj.
The best way to get reads is to read other people's scripts. Ya gotta give reads to get reads, Dude. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 9:00pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Hey, Yuvraj.
The best way to get reads is to read other people's scripts. Ya gotta give reads to get reads, Dude. |
YEP |
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Reply: 3 - 17 |
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LC |
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 9:37pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7621 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Yuvraj, you can also request a script review exchange here: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/The current OWC means there are not as many people reviewing at the moment, and yes, bear in mind SS is quid pro quo - otherwise known as: a favour or advantage granted in return for something. Edit: Kirsten (below) makes a good point. Keep at it. Comments will come. |
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Kirsten |
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 9:38pm |
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January Project Group Giving up is not an option....
LocationKiwi in Ohio Posts373 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
I notice that you have given feedback Yuvraj. You did on mine.. I can look at this in a couple of days... |
| "Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
'What we do in the Shadows.' |
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Reply: 5 - 17 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: January 23rd, 2020, 8:40am |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
I have to get to bed soon, but I wanted to make a few quick comments before I do. One of us will try to come back and give more detailed feedback later today, or tomorrow.
Copy edit. Seriously. (Half-way down the first page, no less) I wanted to throw this script out the window. It's not acceptable.
Too clumsy. The dialogue threw me out, I wasn't totally sure what was going on...I, mean, I understood what was going on but that took effort as opposed to it being handed to me on the page. I had a hard time with this one.
Ghost |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: January 23rd, 2020, 9:09am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Yeah, my advice is to proofread your work before you ask others to read it.
It's a bit irritating when writers expect others to go to the trouble of reading and critiquing a script that the writer has clearly not even read themselves. |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: January 23rd, 2020, 11:54am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts789 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Thank you Ghostwriters
This is indeed a compliment for me. I didn't wanted this to be a simple and easy to understand story. It should take some efforts brother otherwise there ain't no fun.
Big up my brother. |
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Kirsten |
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 9:21am |
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January Project Group Giving up is not an option....
LocationKiwi in Ohio Posts373 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Hi Yuvraj,
Okay, so SPOILERS
This is what I read the story as... Suma did not get a phone call from her real mum, it was all in her head. And Akita is her imaginary friend. OM and SIMI are her parents and they are trying to get out of work and home to their child that seems to be unwell. They finally do and the doctor tells them she has schizophrenia.
Because English is your second language..... I'm assuming......your stories are difficult to read. This puts people off unfortunately.
You can get rid of all the Cut Too's.... it's automatically insinuated that it will cut to the next scene with each new slug.
You need to introduce her parents in their first scene using their names. We still won't know who they are if you give them a name. It won't ruin the reveal. You name them later on and this can ruin the flow of the read.
Maybe instead of the parents saying she talks on a 'dead' phone, they should say she talks on the phone when it's turned off??
Once the action takes place in the house you can use mini slugs... i.e
FRONT ENTRANCE OM and SIMI look as the DOCTOR leaves. OM comforts her wife as she cries.
BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS We see SUMA's hand twitch. REVEAL- AKITA standing beside her bed with her home-made cookies, waiting for her to wake up.
This is an example of writing that needs fixing.... OM She seems confused and losted. She doesn't talks much. Not with us as well as her friends.
Should be...based on what you wrote.... "She seems confused and lost. She doesn't talk much, not to us, or her friends."
I don't see this as a horror, because there's no real horror elements. Akita is a lovely old lady who has bought food and Suma doesn't do anything horrifying in the story. It reads as a drama about mental illness.
Anyways hope this helps, just keep reading other scripts and working on your english writing..It's hard enough getting it right when it's your first language let alone it being a second one...
Cheers Kirsten
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| "Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
'What we do in the Shadows.' |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 3:32am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts789 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Well Kirsten
I appreciate you took time and reviewed my script. But I'm afraid that you didn't got the story.
As I told before it is very subtle. You have to read in between the lines and basically it's just one line that clears the wind.
You should not just read a script but feel it.
Thank you. |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 3:48am |
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Well Kirsten
I appreciate you took time and reviewed my script. But I'm afraid that you didn't got the story.
As I told before it is very subtle. You have to read in between the lines and basically it's just one line that clears the wind.
You should not just read a script but feel it.
Thank you. |
Perhaps if you wrote it better then people may be more inclined to 'feel' it. Your first line:
Code SUMA(17) is watching television sitting on a couch. |
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It's way too passive. On a couch, SUMA (17), watches television. Keep your writing as active as possible. Honestly, I'd be out after the first line, so I'm not surprised people aren't getting your subtlety. Learn to write in a way that other people find pleasurable to read. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 7:06am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts789 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Well Dustin
Not always will you get things in the way you want them to be. No two people will write the same thing in the same way.
First learn to accept heterogeneity and then read and comment. |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 7:55am |
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Wow, you really are a severe case. We often get writers coming through who struggle to take good advice on board. Those who believe they are right and everyone else is wrong. Unfortunately for you, even if you're correct, you're in a singular minority. Nobody is going to like your work but you.
Good luck finding somebody who can make it through your script. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 8:15am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts789 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
I think Dustin you are right on that part. Writers need criticism but then again those who relay on counts are always playing it safe.
Open your mind dude.
I'll say again what I said before; First learn to accept heterogeneity and then read and comment. |
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