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Hello! I hope everyone enjoyed my script Bloodstains of my Mother! If you are able, you can give me some feedback on the script. Rate it on a scale on one to ten! You can give me positive feedback or negative. Don't worry I can take it! I want to improve on my writing and feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Hey, Tyriq - welcome to the site. So, I read your opening 1/2 page and I found it inefficient and a bit dry.
You wanted honesty. I think it is around a 2.
Okay - here's the opening:
Quoted Text
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
A woman, is standing in front of the mirror; little hacksaw in her hand.
This woman is called Mother. Her real name is Elysis.
Elysis is in her early 30s to mid 40s, and looks very disheveled.
She looks very exhausted and you can see it in her face.
Her dark red thin shirt is cut up. In those holes are red from the large and deep lacerations that was done.
She sheds one single tear.
The Saw's TEETH make contact with her bottom lip.
The teeth start rubbing into her lip.
The lip parts ways as blood spills out. She screams!
RR-RR-RR-RR-PSH-–LEP!
Before getting into too much detail - write actively where you can - avoid is and the ing words. For example:
Quoted Text
A woman, is standing in front of the mirror;
Better as: A woman stands in front of the mirror.
Also - CAP your character names whenever they are first intro'd.
But the real problem is you spread out over in six lines what could be said in one or two. It's because you are needlessly dripping in the details. For example - your opening could be:
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
ELYSIS (35), stands in front of the mirror holding a small hacksaw. Her eyes red with exhaustion, her hair a disheveled mess.
And that's it all you need.
Quoted Text
Her dark red thin shirt is cut up. In those holes are red from the large and deep lacerations that was done.
Clumsy, and red on red is a poor choice contrast wise. Try:
Rough cut holes pepper her shirt revealing dried blood from the lacerations.
Quoted Text
She sheds one single tear.
Don't need "one" and "single" - pick on or the other.
Quoted Text
The Saw's TEETH make contact with her bottom lip.
It couldn't have done that on it's own. What happened? I think:
She raises the hacksaw, presses it against her lower lip.
Quoted Text
The teeth start rubbing into her lip.
Lost here - not sure what I am suppose to see.
Quoted Text
The lip parts ways as blood spills out. She screams!
Again - too many words.
Her lips part. Blood spills out.
Quoted Text
RR-RR-RR-RR-PSH-–LEP!
Nope - don't know what this is suppose to sound like.
Anyway - this craft is not easy - keep at it - hope these starter notes help.
Hello Tyriq, I don't personally believe in give and take. For me writing is a selfless passion. So here my review goes.
I completely agree with eldave1 that you went too much into detailing your scene. Generally, scripts are meant to be as short and crisp as possible.
I also think that you are not familiar with the standard rules of a script, by that I mean; writing your character's name in CAPS when they are first introduced, trying to write your scene as short and active as possible and not giving camera directions and editing cuts( those are decided by the director and editor respectively).
Now onto the story.
While reading the script and on page 9 I guessed the ending and it turned out correct.
The thing that bugged me was why the hell was she harming her own family? She was not demonically possessed I suppose so why she wanted to kill her kid?
On page 19 you gave MOTHER the dialog mentioning her father. What was it supposed to mean? I think it had something to do with her present mental condition. Try to give your character a background/motivation to justify her action.
All in all it felt to me like horror-slasher script with no real motivation.
Always give your character a motivation for their actions, no matter how small it is, it gives them an arc and a reason for the reader to connect.
Thanks for the feeback! It really helps me improve as a writer. I'm going to really take what you, eldave1, what you said to heart! I'll improve on my weaknesses and I'll get better. Practice makes perfect! Thanks for the feedback! It truly helps!!!
Thanks for the feeback! It really helps me improve as a writer. I'm going to really take what you, eldave1, what you said to heart! I'll improve on my weaknesses and I'll get better. Practice makes perfect! Thanks for the feedback! It truly helps!!!
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The Bloodstains of my Mother
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