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Much like Michael had said, it's very a la "Lights Out". Good job with it. Very good micro short that could easily get picked up.
My only complaint is that why doesn't Allen get freaked out when he takes the sheet off first? He sees a figure beneath the sheet, takes the sheet off and there's nothing there. That would, in itself, freak me the hell out. But then he throws it back on the figure and we see the human shape again. I think you should have him "straighten up, terrified" when he pulls the sheet off revealing nothing. Then he throws the sheet on, and immediately the figure attacks him, THE END. Just simple rearranging of description.
Sean brings up a good point here... the sheet thing was done very well in that other short the dude from "Lights Out" did while in quarantine. And I get that's kinda the thing you were going for. But I think once he removes the sheets and sees nothing there, he freaks the F out and backs up... meanwhile maybe we see the boots (only the boots) taking a few fast steps towards him... and as a gut reaction, he throws the sheet at "it" as it charges at him... or something like that...
There are a few odd phrasings, like "them", instead of "it", but overall it's not bad at all.
Biggest problems for me, are that there's just no reason for any of this going on , and we know nothing about Allen, so it's hard to root for him or fear for his well being.
Neat little short here. Tension, nice scene of him throwing the sheet back on the invisible figure and holding its shape.
I don’t think you ever came back to the picture the last time, when the figure actually appeared in the room. First look, ghost - second look, no ghost - third look, ?. That, right there, is what this story needs, imo.
We have this invisible ghost, muddy boots, the sheet thrown back on leading to the end. But why? Who is this ghost and why is he haunting here? The third look at that picture should hold the key. Even in the third look, if the ghost has returned, you need a why.
If you can think of a good explanation then you have a good short here. IMO.
Sorry for the delayed response. Thanks for the reads.
Seems most everyone seems to agree that the ending is missing something. I still want to keep this a micro-short, but I suppose I could add another page.
Sean, great point about Allen's reaction. I need to go back and rework that.
Michael, funny you mention the muddy boots stepping towards Allen at the end. I actually considered that, but I wasn't sure how hard it would be to pull off that effect. Maybe I'll put that back in.
Jeff, I get what you're saying about having no connection to Allen. Kinda tough for a micro-short like this, but I'll think about ways I can show a little more about Allen.
Steven, my thinking was that Allen wouldn't be looking back at the picture after he's seen the figure. The figure has his full attention now. That said, I do like the idea of giving the audience one last look at the picture before we cut to black. Maybe now Allen is in the picture?
Thanks again for all the great suggestions. I'm happy everyone seems to like this one.
Well, this was a no-brainer. Has a lot of potential to be a creepy short that I can see getting some serious views on Youtube if made competently. Can't wait to see it!
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