The Scent by Jay Williams - Short, Horror - When a woman starts a new life to escape her violent ex, her new neighbor and pet wolf will prove themselves invaluable. 23 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey guys, this isn’t a trashy way to get you to read these 24 pages, but if you do, I’d especially like to know your views on the third act.

Best.

Ok, Jay Williams,

I think you have previously posted this script. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I think this script is more of a 'stalker/revenge drama', not sure why it is posted under the 'horror script' board. It is easy to get fumbled up with the genres though.

Here are my few suggestions.

Quoted Text PENNY (softly to herself) Leave me alone. Don't make me call the cops again. PENNY (uneasy) That's very kind, but I'm leaving soon. TODD (embarrassed) Yeah, I was thinking of sticking around for an extra day. Got some leave time. PENNY (pensive) Okay...

No need to write the paranthesis in the above dialogs. The dialogs clearly emote the way they are intended to.

If it were like, Todd spoke the dialog 'straight-forward' rather then been 'embarrassed' you might write the paranthesis for it. Meaning, you should write the paranthesis if the dialog is spoken in contradictory manner rather than the obvious/default way.

Quoted Text PENNY Totally. You think you know someone and then... A beat. PENNY (CONT'D) Hey, let's not waste time talking about him. To new beginnings.

  

It will be fine if you don't write a 'beat' in between. Leave that to the actors, they will know the emotional impact of the scene and as to when pause in between the dialogs.

It is best to replace 'beats' with some action lines.

Talking about the THIRD ACT;

It is decent with some action going on especially with Lou.

I think the last scene about Todd in the bathroom, was depicting that he was kinda too scared to do anything to save Penny. He's portrayed as a coward but kind-hearted dude, I guess. Nonetheless, Penny was saved by Gretchen. Happy ending in a sense.

Overall, a nice story(but done many times before) with decent writing.

Good luck.

  

Okay, first off I'm a little confused with the alter-ego, unless I'm mistaken? Vic/Jay, what gives?

Right, onto story.
I'd personally find a way for Todd and Penny to meet to circumvent the entire May exchange cause the whole dialogue about being a Mother etc., is redundant, and honestly, a bit boring.

I won't delve too much into grammar, punctuation errors etc., cause they're minimal, just be wary of  'is stood' , 'walks out of shot' ?, Typo let's , should be lets p.21., p.4, also you're missing commas to offset names/punctuation in places. You could also turn off your character  CONT'D s for a more streamlined read, except where they go over the page. Okay, I mentioned a bit more there than I planned.

Overall I think you could tell this story in way less pages and it'd be more effective. There's quite a bit of padding which I'm not convinced contributes to the central plot or twist. Twenty-something pages is a long Short, unless it's all riveting stuff, or if it's a sample piece for a feature-length.

Some nice dialogue exchanges and touches of humour, but oh, boy, that ending (Act3), bit of a shock/twist and I'm not entirely sold on it.

Edit: I think I confused you with another SS writer, jwent, James Williams, so disregard my first comment.