Shake Some Action by Jefferson Baugh - Short, Horror - A little girl's been taken. A monolith of a man goes out in search of her.  11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I found this to be very well written and it kept me entertained until the end.

The character and scene descriptions are economical and evocative.

The dialogue is also quite good – plenty of personality and not too obviously expositional.

Overall I get a kind of comic-book sense to this revenge tale, kind of like Ghostrider or Constantine. I wanted to know more about the mythos of the Monolith and his resurrection for these redemptory acts, his relationship to his brother and his family, his previous life. It almost feels like a teaser for a bigger story.

In a way that is something that possibly works against it slightly – that it feels like a glimpse into a bigger story that we are not being told. I like my short films to be stories unto themselves, with a sense of closure at the end.

Just another point: there’s some inconsistency in the description of the Monolith’s eyes – in an early scene he’s described as “All in black, eyes dancing with fire.” Later we’re told his eyes are black and he wears sunglasses, but sunglasses aren’t mentioned at the start.

Also wasn't 100% sure of the reason for the title - apart from it being an excellent Flamin' Groovies track.

Quoted from The Moviegoer I found this to be very well written and it kept me entertained until the end. The character and scene descriptions are economical and evocative. The dialogue is also quite good – plenty of personality and not too obviously expositional. Overall I get a kind of comic-book sense to this revenge tale, kind of like Ghostrider or Constantine. I wanted to know more about the mythos of the Monolith and his resurrection for these redemptory acts, his relationship to his brother and his family, his previous life. It almost feels like a teaser for a bigger story.

Thank you so much! I appreciate everything you've said, and the fact that you took the time to read it at all.

It's definitely meant to imply a larger story - I write a lot of my shorts as ways to explore ideas or scenes that I want to get into further in feature scripts. I also write a lot of them as prospective style demos to direct myself - which doesn't always happen, obviously. I'm a huuuuge fan of Constantine and the entire Hellblazer mythology, and the feature script with this character I've been working on does go a little in that sort of esoteric direction.

I've also never had good things to say about my dialogue, so - again, thank you!

Quoted Text In a way that is something that possibly works against it slightly – that it feels like a glimpse into a bigger story that we are not being told. I like my short films to be stories unto themselves, with a sense of closure at the end.

I definitely agree with you there. I think that's something I'm definitely working to get better at, in my short narrative - telling a concise, self-contained story.

Quoted Text Just another point: there’s some inconsistency in the description of the Monolith’s eyes – in an early scene he’s described as “All in black, eyes dancing with fire.” Later we’re told his eyes are black and he wears sunglasses, but sunglasses aren’t mentioned at the start.

Oh, you're totally right. I did not catch that! Will amend.

Quoted Text Also wasn't 100% sure of the reason for the title - apart from it being an excellent Flamin' Groovies track.

I guess it's more of a meta-narrative thing - the song, at least the way I've always taken it, is about someone saying "you wronged me and set me back, but I'm coming back to get you" (at least, on the surface level). I approached this short with the twist, however minor, at the end in mind - it's a slightly tenuous connection, but I thought it made for a much better title than what the short was called originally: "The Dragon."