Tic Toc by Jeevithiesh Duggani - Short, Horror, Pyschological Horror - An every-man's life is being directed by instructions that appear on POST-ITs leading him to take bizarre actions.  5 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Wow! I liked this one.

Very creative.

I loved how slowly it builds up from regular chores to more and more messed up instructions. Cool idea, Jeevithiesh.

I really like this. One question.. at the beginning as the hands wielding the post-it notes kept changing, I thought this would be a clue to something as the story played out. What was the meaning behind the hands changing from the wife, to a child to a man, to coworker and so on?

This would be easy to film. Cool little story! I can see this getting made for sure.

Quoted from Pale Yellow What was the meaning behind the hands changing from the wife, to a child to a man, to coworker and so on?

Probably they are his responsibilities. Responsibility as a husband, responsibility as a father, brother, co-worker, etc. Just a guess.

Interesting. Page turner story.

My view. --The post-it notes are a reflection / vision (no real post-it notes are left/placed) of his childhood through adulthood been told what to do - as he does do. Seemingly (the plot) because he knows he'll be doing it again.. and again..  ??  

Please tell us your, the writers version, the story to...

Overall a nice story.

But the writing needs some work, a lot can be chopped off to make it a smooth read.

Quoted from Pale Yellow I really like this. One question.. at the beginning as the hands wielding the post-it notes kept changing, I thought this would be a clue to something as the story played out. What was the meaning behind the hands changing from the wife, to a child to a man, to coworker and so on? This would be easy to film. Cool little story! I can see this getting made for sure.

Dena,
Thank you for your kind words.
The changing hands are to represent that the placement of the POST-ITs  is not a action caused by humans. I tried to adjust the type of hands to fit the situation it is being used in.  

Quoted from BarryJohn Interesting. Page turner story. My view. --The post-it notes are a reflection / vision (no real post-it notes are left/placed) of his childhood through adulthood been told what to do - as he does do. Seemingly (the plot) because he knows he'll be doing it again.. and again..  ??   Please tell us your, the writers version, the story to...

Barry,
My interpretation of the story is that the post-it notes denote the good and bad of the society, i.e. the part of the society that seeks your benefit and the part that seeks your downfall. Like the note about the bath is the externalization of a child like joy of a hot bath while the note to mess up is the externalization of the curses of a jealous co worker. In the end, even after dying (an exaggeration) society expects you to function like clockwork.

But I don't consider this to be the accurate backdrop for the story. While writing the story, I wanted it to be possible for the user to fill in the gaps and have their own version of the story even as the story functions okay on it's own.

Does it work? Is it too ambitious?  

Quoted from Yuvraj Overall a nice story. But the writing needs some work, a lot can be chopped off to make it a smooth read.

Yuvraj,

Thank you for your advice. Can you please tell me a little bit as to where to reduce the content. I am pretty new to this and any help is appreciated

A very cool story.

A lot of problems with the writing, IMO.

- You can lose the scene numbering. Not needed for a spec script.
- FADE IN should be before your first scene heading - not after. Also rather than THE END - go with FADE OUT (right justified)

Your descriptions/actions could be:

- broken up into smaller bite-size chunks.
- much more efficient
- written in an active voice

Let's look at the opening as an example as it kind of applies to the rest of the script.

Starting with bite-sized chunk. Try creating a blank space in between distinct actions. That is, as the reader's eyes move from action to action - separate the actions.

Quoted Text INT. BEDROOM - DAWN ADAM, 30's, an almost nondescript man is sleeping on his back, his arms neatly tucked in the duvet. The alarm beside him turns 7:00 AM and starts ringing but ADAM does not show any sign of movement. A young, feminine hand hovers over his head and presses down, sticking a LUMINESCENT GREEN POST-IT note right over one eye. ADAM opens his eyes. He sees the POST-IT note, which has clear block letters written on it.

Is easier on the eyes like this:

INT. BEDROOM - DAWN

ADAM, 30's, an almost nondescript man is sleeping on his
back, his arms neatly tucked in the duvet.

The alarm beside him turns 7:00 AM and starts ringing but ADAM does not show
any sign of movement.

A young, feminine hand hovers over his head and presses down, sticking a LUMINESCENT GREEN POST-IT note right over one eye.

ADAM opens his eyes. He sees the POST-IT note, which has clear block letters written on it.

Now, try to write actively. Look for "is" and "ing: words and convert them. For example:

This:

Quoted Text ADAM, 30's, an almost nondescript man is sleeping on his back, his arms neatly tucked in the duvet. The alarm beside him turns 7:00 AM and starts ringing but ADAM does not show any sign of movement.

Better as:

ADAM, 30's, an almost nondescript man sleeps on his
back, his arms neatly tucked in the duvet.

The alarm beside him turns 7:00 AM and RINGS. ADAM does not show
any sign of movement.

Then you can trim away unnecessary words. In the opening - do we really need to know that he is non descript? Is there a more efficient way to write any signs of movement? For example:


ADAM, 30's, sleeps on his back, his arms neatly tucked in the duvet.

The alarm beside him turns 7:00 AM and RINGS. ADAM doesn't move.

You could apply the same template to all of your action blocks and make them crisper and cleaner. i.e.,

- break them up into smaller bite-size chunks.
- Eliminate unnecessary words.
- write in an active voice

I also think you are formatting the POST IT NOTES wrong. It is formatted like dialogue - it's not, It should be:

POST-IT: "RISE AND SHINE SLEEPY HEAD."

I think you are very imaginative which may be the hardest part of writing - so you have the most difficult aspect down. Format and style-wise, I think you could make enhancements.

Just my opinion. Hope this helps.

Quoted from Lyrenez Yuvraj, Thank you for your advice. Can you please tell me a little bit as to where to reduce the content. I am pretty new to this and any help is appreciated

Do as directed by Dave. He's a pro and got the best advice for you.

Plus read as many scripts as possible( start with Dave's, my suggestion). Get to know how others write then develop your own style. You got to read and write(and repeat) , that's the gist.

Good luck.

Dave,
Thank you for your help. I will be implementing your suggestions in the next script I write

Good luck for your next script.

Quoted from Lyrenez Dave, Thank you for your help. I will be implementing your suggestions in the next script I write

My pleasure

ok, I haven't read anything above, so here's my take

woah - the isn't a script, it's one of the heaviest reads I have had for a while

BUT there is an idea, kinda of an indie one

So, a touch like the Dice Man, we have a character governed by forces outside, blown in the wind.

And as I write that, I felt the sense it had no real conflict, no irony, no catch

Yes, to be beholden to others, to do whatever others say, means we are not ourselves, we're not in charge.

But what else did you want to say? and who causes this, or why, does this happen?

and from who's perspective

we don't always need to know, but it can add light

I suppose my conclusion is, it's a fair concept, but for me, it needs focus to land the big one

oh, and a lot of script format

all the best