Alright Alexa,

Last script for me and was hoping it’d be a good one to go out on and...yep, I liked.

The premise is great, the tech and definite horror were present and the visuals of the ghost were so strong. I just enjoyed basically all of it. However, quibbles below...

The budget is banjaxed, the date thing you know about already but is an easy mistake to make/fix, the writing was a little on the nose at points and rather than this death sentence setting I think it should have just gone ahead and silently went about the fires things with a reveal at the end via memos or notes dictated by the ghost.

Only other thing, and this is me being a right dick, I’d have just pulled the plug out of the socket. But that’s me being a dick.

The thing that drives this is the premise, which is so good, but the dialogue of Drew and Alexa slightly makes it a little bit cheesy and OTN. However, the initial concept is so strong that I think it overrides my complaints.

Really good script,

Cam

I noticed the 2041 over 2039 thing too but I'm assuming it was a gaffe in haste...

This was a really good concept, the idea of a ghost enlisting the aide of a smart device to solve her own murder, and then the house, which is a fortress, turning  on the murderer.

The one thing that took me out of the read though, is - wouldn't the recording of the murder have been available to the investigators as well?

Nicely written and I enjoyed watching Drew get what was coming to him.

AJR

There's a lot to love about this. Smart homes are here and will only get more automated, so that's entirely plausible. I can also get behind the idea that technology could one day become so sensitive it will even pick up ghosts, at least audibly. That's a cool idea.

What I can't fathom is how Amazon could legally be judge, jury, and executioner. Unless they are now the government or a branch of the government, which isn't a huge stretch, but I'd need that to be established in your world.

Otherwise, I thought the ghost initiating an investigation works, and that everything Alexa hears is recorded, and I could imagine that investigators wouldn't know to look for those recordings if they never found a body or knew where the scene of the crime was.

Only 322 words on the date of Melanie's death? That seems improbable. What about the rest of the argument leading up to her murder? The year error has been pointed out already but I also noticed that.

This would have been creepier if we didn't see Melanie's ghost, or held off on seeing it. Seeing him react to Alexa responding to nobody, drudging up that night, him getting more and more scared would have amped up the tension. Alexa should have directly asked a couple of questions and then responded, not just react to the silent voice. That would have made it even more menacing for Drew. I like the cold spot when Drew is about to smash the Alexa, that would also work if we didn't see her. I'd make her appear right before the house blows up, get that one reaction shot from Drew before he dies. Or you could have her appear in the flames as she leaves, to show the audience that she really was there.

I think you did fine on the budget. The effects are simple, if you aren't too picky about them. Alexa and the ghost are dead simple. Fire and blowing up the house are easy to do cheap but will look cheap. Get the right practical lighting and the right effects person though and it would look great.

The writing is quite good, typos aside. I would have liked a little more character though. Melanie doesn't emote at all, not even when she hears her own murder. And again, that reaction shot from Drew would be a golden opportunity for an actor.

This has great potential, I hope you return to it outside of the OWC. It would make a great short.

The opening super says it's 1939, yet you contradict this in dialog on the second page. Typo?

Great writing here. I saw everything. Very visual. But this passage threw me off...

The blue light ringing the top of the Echo Cylinder of the
illuminates, then --

... I had to read that a couple of times. Maybe it's just me?

Drew doesn't have much personality.

I really like this one. Very creative.

Well done, writer (and I don't mean Drew, either)! Sci-fi, tech, and horror all wrapped up nicely. No complaints on format or style. High marks all around from me.

Great job, writer! Good luck.

Saw Dave wrote this and wanted to check it out.

Lots of mistakes, some of which really affect the read and understanding.

For me, this is way too big a concept for 6 pages and for me, it really shows.  I just don't see any logic as to why all of a sudden the wife's ghost appears and then Alexa, who appears to look just like she does now (other than the holograph), just figures out the murder and kills the guy.  With more pages, it could be much better.

There is Future Shock, there is horror, and there's a huge budget, as written.

Doesn't work for me, but I see most loved it.

**

Quoted from Dreamscale Saw Dave wrote this and wanted to check it out. Lots of mistakes, some of which really affect the read and understanding. For me, this is way too big a concept for 6 pages and for me, it really shows.  I just don't see any logic as to why all of a sudden the wife's ghost appears and then Alexa, who appears to look just like she does now (other than the holograph), just figures out the murder and kills the guy.  With more pages, it could be much better. There is Future Shock, there is horror, and there's a huge budget, as written. Doesn't work for me, but I see most loved it. **

Thanks for weighing in.

Missed the OWC but decided to gave this a read for the same reasons that Jeff, and it didn't disappoint.

I think that the idea is pretty good, and mostly well executed.

I wouldn't have shown the ghost from the get-go, but that may be a matter of taste.

There are a couple minor errors (i.e. David) and grammar issues, which makes me wonder if it wasn't written in a hurry (apart from being an early draft), but the writing is crisp and clean - as Dave's always has us accustomed - so it's a quick read.

Overall, I liked the atmosphere and the story. Two thumbs up.

Quoted from Philostrate Missed the OWC but decided to gave this a read for the same reasons that Jeff, and it didn't disappoint. I think that the idea is pretty good, and mostly well executed. I wouldn't have shown the ghost from the get-go, but that may be a matter of taste. There are a couple minor errors (i.e. David) and grammar issues, which makes me wonder if it wasn't written in a hurry (apart from being an early draft), but the writing is crisp and clean - as Dave's always has us accustomed - so it's a quick read. Overall, I liked the atmosphere and the story. Two thumbs up.

Thanks, mate - yes - a real rush job - got the idea with just a few hours to go till the deadline and only an hour in my own personal window to write (wifey had dinner).

So, yep a couple of silly mistakes -

I wouldn't do the ghost from the get-go either - normally -   the 6 pages kind of rushed things for me - I think it's really a 10 - 12 page story.

Anyway- gracias