SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:27am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Big Al's and Bub's - WT5
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Big Al's and Bub's - WT5  (currently 1428 views)
Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2020, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Big Al's and Bub's by Destiny - Fashion Magazine, Gas Station and Union Delegate - Short, Horror


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
mmmarnie
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 1:11am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
These were some awful variables but wow...great job using them so creatively. "Union delegate" was the weakest but you incorporated it so well.

Very well written. Great idea. Enjoyable read. Nice job, writer!


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 17
LC
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 1:16am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Okay, don't hit me, but I didn't get the Al & Bub characters. For a minute I thought it was deal with a devil (s) but why two? Then I thought it was Pacino and De Niro, now I think maybe I'm missing something obvious. Is there a reference in there to The Irishman? Maybe I'm overthinking... It was them getting Oscars that puzzled me.

Clearly it's a crossroads story of making the right choice or the character's arse is in a sling, both literally and metaphorically.

It was enjoyable despite my apparent ignorance of the finer points, and written very well with a satisfying outcome.
Theme and elements all there.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 17
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 7:46am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Don't you just hate those hitchhikers who go out at night and hitch across the desert just begging to be run over? lol.

A familiar tale of doing deals with demons at a crossroads. Nicely written and covers all the elements. I just don't see the horror . The page limit works against you here. If you'd started late and we saw the fate she had in store 25 years later, then you could have played the horror card more.

As it is, this is a nice supernatural piece at the moment, more Twilight Zone than Tales from the Crypt.

-Mark  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 17
AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 8:55am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
A quick and easy read with a nice setup that worked well.

I'm not sure why there's both an Al and a Bub, I assumed it was going to be an Angel/Devil type scenario... but they're both playing the Devil... I'd consider altering that in a re-write.

Thought the criteria was used well overall, especially the magazine, union rep had less important to the story and not really their role that you portray (more of an agent)... but it's a tough challenge!

Good job


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 17
khamanna
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 10:05am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
The dialog in this is a hoot. The whole thing is very funny. And it was an easy read.

The theme is obviously here.
The rest of the criteria is pretty much in too.

Two Biggies tell her to swap like 50 years for 25? I hope I'm correct here. She's getting less number of years, but her years are better quality. And she didn't run over the bum. What's in it for them though? I guess having people live less is an advantage to an evil soul.

It's a very entertaining short. Just proves to me how dialog and fun characters are more important than detailed explanation to everything that's happening. Besides the rest is an easy fix - just a line here and there will clarify what I'm asking about. That's if you want to clarify, I feel like you don't)
the story is still here. A straigh forward trade of.

Hey, if it's not a car-hit, if it's some other accident this thing would fly off your hands.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 17
khamanna
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from LC
Is there a reference in there to The Irishman? Maybe I'm overthinking... It was them getting Oscars that puzzled me.
.


Lol, I thought of Seuss' Thing One and Thing Two when reading it.

(appologies to the writer for potentially starting the discussion but hey it's the last WT!)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 17
JEStaats
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
That was an entertaining read. Loved the back and forth banter. Got to ask: Big Al's and Bub = Beelzebub? Not sure why you went with two guys instead of one demon/devil. Could've went with a more tug-of-war with her choices but, hey, it was entertaining. As for horror...definitely there but very light horror.

Requisites checked and nailed the theme. Good work, writer.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 17
stevie
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Not much more to add that others haven't. Very competently written and the variables were used well.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 17
ajr
Posted: August 4th, 2020, 5:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
I have to disagree about the criteria being used well. The setting is GAS STATION, and we get a slug that says INT. STATION - CONTINUOUS, however it's obvious we're in a diner, because the door jingles when Marisa enters, and one of the devils is sitting behind a diner counter...

Is it a combination diner / gas station? It doesn't really matter in the scheme of things, other than to satisfy Blondie, I guess. It's just an easier script to write this way, rather than have two guys standing at a pump in the middle of the night.

And union delegate is not the same as agent here - she's speaking to SAG/AFTRA, from what I know, not her agency rep. The stretch is that she probably wouldn't have a personal relationship with Stan, unless she's a huge B word, in which case no one would work with her anyway. More likely, she'd get "a" union delegate to handle the situation, not the same one. Though I'm not 100% sure on any of this.

Story-wise, we get the opening 5 pages of a sell-your-soul to the devil script, where we see none of the resulting consequences, so I'm not sure we get any new ground here.

Competently written and somewhat inventive with the two characters Al and Bub, however for a horror short there's very little tension other than the transient getting run over, and there's an excess of dialogue.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 17
Arundel
Posted: August 4th, 2020, 11:10am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
265
Posts Per Day
0.15
Really enjoyed this. Simple, uncluttered, not a lot of characters. It was ambiguous but that's ok. One of the best entries, I felt, because it didn't jump around and try to explain everything. Nice job.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 17
FrankM
Posted: August 7th, 2020, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
I think John is right that these guys are a complex manifestation of Beelzebub, so we have a sell-your-soul story, but we don't see what the actual bargain was. We can guess the cost is high, but not if it comes due in the afterlife (which, to any atheists in the audience seems like cheating) or at some point later in her life.

Come to think of it, right now is 25 years after this story and we're ALL paying for it. I'm really upset with Marisa now.

Well-written beginning of a story here. All of the elements were there, though to make the union delegate more germane than her agent, she should have had a statement about her studio and agent taken out of context (maybe she was left in the dark about negotiations... or something).


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 17
PKCardinal
Posted: August 7th, 2020, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Could you be making a statement about the career of a different Marissa perhaps? Are you saying she sold her soul? Times up? Tick. Tock.

This was fun and well written. I, too, would have preferred the deal be spelled out some... but, then, maybe that would have taken out half the fun.

Overall, good job. Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to you jumping back in for a brief explanation when all is said and done.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 17
Geezis
Posted: August 9th, 2020, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There's always a single malt waiting for you.

Location
Glasgow, Scotland
Posts
411
Posts Per Day
0.27
Snappy dialogue, quick set up, easy finish. I like the minimalist feel of the story, reminded me a bit of Tenacious D's song Tribute in a way.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 17
JEStaats
Posted: August 12th, 2020, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Yes, obviously a sell-your-soul story and I didn't think it needed to be spelled out. Just insinuated should've been good enough. I figured if it was expressed in detail, I would get all expositional and OTN comments back. Bub said it best, they'll get theirs (obviously not an Oscar).

I originally had a half page of the 2020 Academy Awards where Marissa wins Best Actress and had a spot fall on her while accepting her Oscar but page length (thankfully) required me to edit that scene out. In a way, I like not knowing her ultimate demise.

Thanks for all the positives. Surprised it didn't do better but, oh well....
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 17
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006