All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Evil Never Dies by CJ Vecchio - Short, Horror - A famed serial killer is hours away from being sentenced. Until he kills himself and his evil spirit seeks revenge on the ones that stopped him. 5 pages - pdf format
The writing was good. Easy to follow and read. Although, some minor typos but they can be easily fixed. And dialogs were a bit lame too. In a sense too much talk. Let the silence do the work. It was a classical story of the dead haunting and killing the living. Like Poltergeist, I guess. Doing justice to this kind of a story is tough, that too in 4 pages. The atmosphere and the dread have to be gradually created, which is difficult in a short. I also struggle with this. All you can do is write.
But anyway, given all this, it was a nice read. Not mind-boggling given the fact that it is pretty much clear from the logline itself that what's gonna happen in the story.
Some minor issues:
Quoted Text
JACK Hey.
DIANE (O.S.) I'm sorry for calling you so late. Flood just killed himself in his holding cell.
Jack perks up.
DIANE (O.S.) They found crazy writings on the wall in blood...TAKE ME NOW MASTER...I AM BEAUTIFUL...REVENGE and some crazy symbol
It is VO(Voice Over) not OS.
When your characters are in the same scene and one of them, not on the camera, it is OS.
When one of your characters is in a different scene and not on the camera, it is VO.
They are confusing.
Another thing this about the newspaper;
Quoted Text
Yesterday's newspaper is on the bedroom floor
INT. BATHROOM The bathtub knob turns by itself - water GUSHES OUT.
Jack is thrown into the tub - his head forced underwater.
Air bubbles raise(rise) to the top...then stop. Bent over in the tub, Jack's body goes limp.
FOCUS ON: The bloody splattered newspaper and the first girl pictured.
Assuming that the newspaper was in the bedroom the whole time. You need to mention a new scene heading before FOCUS ON... Since we are moving from the bathroom to the bedroom.
Even in a dream - you need to indicate NIGHT or DAY.
Not really crazy about how you handle this sequence. We don't know who is dreaming, we have no orientation on who they are approaching, etc.
If you going to keep the dream (I wouldn't - more on that it a bit), then I would recommend a structure along the lines of:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Describe your PROTAG in bed - tossing and turning or whatever.
INSERT NIGHTMARE
describe your nightmare
BACK TO SCENE
He bolts up in bed, etc.
But all that being said - I really don't think you need to opening dream anyway. It adds little to the story,
Quoted Text
Focus in, a sweaty over-weight balding man wears an evil drooling grin his eyes crazed.
Clumsy - missing some commas too (e.g, for certain after grin) Maybe -
A sweaty, over-weight balding man comes into focus. His eyes crazed, saliva drooling from the corner of an evil grin.
Quoted Text
Bolting out of bed, hyperventilating is JACK BOWLER (42). His muscular body highlighted by his skimpy tank-top.
out of bed - or up in bed?
Quoted Text
Next to it lays a FBI badge and cell phone.
lies - not lays.
He is the Aquarius Killer. That's important enough for you to even include an image of it in your script. But you don't really make hay with it in the first murder scene with the Detective (you do later on - and real nicely - with the girl). I'd like for you to explore that. For example, if right before his presence is shown to Jack, Jack's radio could turn on and play Aquarious. Something like that.
Quoted Text
DIANE (O.S.) I'm sorry for calling you so late. Flood just killed himself in his holding cell.
Wrong format here - should be VO since she is not in the scene. I'd probably also add:
DIANE (V.O.) (filtered thru phone) I'm sorry for calling you so late. Flood just killed himself in his holding cell.
Quoted Text
Making his way to the bathroom, flips on the light. The toilet FLUSHES, exits - lights off.
need a "Jack" before flips
Quoted Text
The bathtub knob turns by itself - water GUSHES OUT. Jack is thrown into the tub - his head forced underwater.
That has to be a fast filling tub.
The newspaper seemed a bit dated for me. I think it would be better if after Jack first gets the news of the suicide - he logs on to a laptop or something and the same exposition you are giving us in the newspaper is on the screen.
Okay - to the more important stuff.
This was a good story. If this was a first time script, IMO you are well on your way. It doesn't at all read like a newbie. Good imagination - good creepiness and I liked the arc of the story. Well done. Basically, you just need to clean up a few things.
Pretty breezy read that flowed nicely from one scene to the next. A few typos here and there to clean up but not enough to detract from the story.
Admittedly, slasher/horror is not really my cup of tea—especially when the killer is left standing at the end. There’s a sense of satisfaction when a story plays on revenge for a ‘just cause’. Having the killer come back for revenge on his victims doesn’t carry that same sense—feels a little one note. Though I’m sure it could work for those who like their horror bloody and unjust, so take that with a pinch of salt.
Thought you managed to get the bigger picture across with limited pages. It keeps the story lean but leads you into familiar territory without landing any fresh twists. A little bit Nightmare on Elm Street but without the space to develop the ‘rules’ as to how Flood can continue his reign of terror from beyond the grave. Maybe it’s not important that we know for a short?
Best of luck with it.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Pages: 1
Author
Evil Never Dies
Logged
Locked Board