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My question is... how/why is Anne suddenly in the Hospital? What happened?
INT. HOSPITAL WARD - NIGHT Anne opens her eyes. She lays on a hospital bed.
It was a dream before the hospital. I wanted to do it the unconventional way. Just like movies where a character frantically opens its eyes and scans its surrounding. I guess it didn't work. LOL.
Ooh, Dave got in before me. Forgive me if I repeat anything Dave already noted.
Great horror vibe, Yuvraj, but things are getting a bit muddled (all due respect) in the translation. And the story you're trying to convey is a bit confusing though I think I get the general gist.
The Gasman is suitably creepy. Well done there!
Suggestions for edits as follows: Examples in no particular order -
a gas mask put on his face. A gas mask covers his face/ or over his face
What happened sweetheart? Would be better as: What's the matter, sweetheart? Make sure to offset the name/endearment with a comma .
Anne hugs Nia and buries her head into Nia's chest. Anne buries her head into her mother's chest.
Anne's drawing book, Anne's coloring book.
She closes her eyes and covers her face with the blanket. She shuts her eyes, pulls the covers up over her face.
Few seconds pass, A few seconds pass
and emerges her mother, NIA(30s). Her mother, Nia, 30s, emerges
Silence elopes? Not sure what you mean here with 'elopes'. Not the right choice of word. Silence. Will do as is.
Moonlight helps to proclaim a SILHOUETTE of a TALL PERSON The silhouette of an imposing figure illuminated by moonlight, /or in the glow of the moonlight, a dark imposing figure silhouetted
and tucks under her blanket. And hides under the blanket (or covers)
ANNE'S PARENTS ROOM Insert an apostrophe or just call it: Mom and Dad's room. Or Nia and Kevin's Room
Nia looks at the corner, but sees nothing. Nia looks towards the corner of the room, sees nothing
Hey Yuvraj, nice stuff here. Your writing has gotten considerably better, so great work with that. Dave and Libby already tackled pretty much everything. My only issue is the title of the script and the name of your baddie... it might evoke chuckles from people with juvenile senses of humor such as me -- I immediately thought of that "Gas Man" gag from "Dumb & Dumber" (the gag was pretty much about misunderstanding about a guy who had gas issues). But, that's probably just me -- perhaps you could redefine the whole "gas man" thing and turn it into something iconic of your own. The story is certainly creepy enough and the imagery is very, very solid. You got yourself a nice boogie man character.
But then I was just always amazed at these macabre outfits, and the fact they were real. I always wanted to put a guy dressed up like this in a horror.
A bit more via description of The Gasman might be in order.
My only issue is the title of the script and the name of your baddie... it might evoke chuckles from people with juvenile senses of humor such as me -- I immediately thought of that "Gas Man" gag from "Dumb & Dumber" (the gag was pretty much about misunderstanding about a guy who had gas issues). But, that's probably just me -- perhaps you could redefine the whole "gas man" thing and turn it into something iconic of your own. The story is certainly creepy enough and the imagery is very, very solid. You got yourself a nice boogie man character.
Great work!
Funny, I didn't recall DUMB AND DUMBER while writing this.
But then I was just always amazed at these macabre outfits, and the fact they were real. I always wanted to put a guy dressed up like this in a horror.
A bit more via description of The Gasman might be in order.
Nope. I had nothing of that sort in my mind, Libby. In fact, it's new to me. Might as well check.
This thing came in my dream once. So I thought better write a little weird story. Awkward, you can also say.
Yep, got that. You need to improve that description though imho. Her eyes are sore is not a great description. She could have got shampoo in them.
And while I'm all for not being spoon-fed every detail, some clarity is still needed with the story for it to be more effective. Dreaming up something is great but filling in some gaps can be the difference between an audience shrugging their shoulders and a crowd pleaser. All jmo of course.
P.S. Just a couple more things:
Multiple pipes snake I think you mean tubes?
Hauls for oxygen. Suggest: gasps for breath or equivalent.
Anne looks at her father, KEVIN(30s). He levitates over the bed, and an oxygen mask on his face. The nasal pipe from the mask travels back into the Gasman's chest.
Do you actually mean levitate? Or do you mean a word like hovers? It's ambiguous regardless, cause I'm not sure what's going on there and with whom?
All above said... I'm left with only to comment on the story. If I was a normal person, I'd say the story makes no sense. Reading it through the eyes of the writer, I see a story I could conceive in one of many ways... I guess its just how we look at it. I liked the story.
PS: Lies Ver Lays. Both have the same meaning. Americans write it as lies. We in Europe counties write it as Lays.
There are many more... Math Ver Maths. Color Ver Colour. Farther Ver Further. Flies Ver Fly's. Etc
lie [lʌɪ] VERB lies (third person present) (of a person or animal) be in or assume a horizontal or resting position on a supporting surface.
LIE, LIES - A lie is an assertion that is believed to be false, typically used with the purpose of deceiving someone. The practice of communicating lies is called lying. A person who communicates a lie may be termed a liar. Lies may serve a variety of instrumental, interpersonal, or psychological functions for the individuals who use them.
Not to be confused with: lei– a garland of flowers worn around the neck. lie– rest in a horizontal position; recline. lay 1. (lā) v.laid(lād), lay·ing, lays. v.tr. 1. To cause to lie down: lay a child in its crib.
--------------------------------------------
lay [leɪ]
VERB lays (third person present) put (something) down gently or carefully. "she laid the baby in his cot" · [more]
LAY, LAYS - Not to be confused with: lei– a garland of flowers worn around the neck. lie– rest in a horizontal position; recline. lay 1. (lā) v.laid(lād), lay·ing, lays. v.tr. 1. To cause to lie down: lay a child in its crib.
...Just saying.
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
PS: Lies Ver Lays. Both have the same meaning. Americans write it as lies. We in Europe counties write it as Lays.
Barry, lies and lays do not have the same meaning.
In the present tense (which is what should be used when writing a screenplay) lays is transitive and requires an object to act upon, lies is intransitive and describes something moving on its own or already in position.
"She lies on a hospital bed" "She lays the patient on a hospital bed"
All above said... I'm left with only to comment on the story. If I was a normal person, I'd say the story makes no sense. Reading it through the eyes of the writer, I see a story I could conceive in one of many ways... I guess its just how we look at it. I liked the story.
It's completely fine if you find the story non-sense from one perspective and likable from another.
Regardless, thank you for reading and commenting.
Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Barry, lies and lays do not have the same meaning.
In the present tense (which is what should be used when writing a screenplay) lays is transitive and requires an object to act upon, lies is intransitive and describes something moving on its own or already in position.
"She lies on a hospital bed" "She lays the patient on a hospital bed
Thanks for clarifying the doubt, Matt.
Would like to know how you feel about this script and the short film(you previously commented on)?
All above said... I'm left with only to comment on the story. If I was a normal person, I'd say the story makes no sense. Reading it through the eyes of the writer, I see a story I could conceive in one of many ways... I guess its just how we look at it. I liked the story.
Read above again... ...I liked the story. I gave you a compliment!
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
First just want to say that I am not a horror genre fan - In horror, things seem to happen with no rhyme or reason (apart from the very best horror flicks) and I struggle to connect. So I am not best placed to comment really... that being said, I'm going to comment anyway since you seem to comment on a lot of peoples work.
Storywise I feel there are dots which I am struggling to connect - I get what is happening, but there are elements that could gel better.
I get the sense that the opening scenes in the bedrooms is some sort of nightmare, that she is actually in a hospital hooked up to machines and it is manifesting in her nightmares.
Then she wakes in the hospital, and sees the Gasman again - could be we are now in reality and she is hallucinating? she is dying and these are her final moments.
There's a great connection between what is happening to her (hooked up to breathing machines) and the boogie man that has manifested because of it (Gas Man reminded me of Paddy Considine's character in Dead Man's Shoes when he dresses in a gas mask to freak out the antagonists)
Other elements could be intertwined better I felt, such as the relevance of the stickmen drawings, and elaborating on the break down of the family (The argument, the drawing of them apart, the parents apart in the room all hint at a family torn apart - presumably by the grief and stress of having a terminally ill child), the gasman attacking the parents in the nightmare - but those elements seemed like a footnote and didn't play into the main plot line
Or... I could be talking nonsense lol I don't seem to know anymore.
Still, storywise this is neat and if those dots can be connected in a satisfying way would make a great short film.
Writing-wise there's no one major thing that affects the read, but rather a few little things that added together really affect the flow and enjoyment. odd sentences and word choices that can be reworked. "Slowly walks" - hit up a thesaurus - "creeps, ambles, tip-toes" There are "basic" words and phrases that can be swapped with something that adds more (such as "walks" above), another example is "looks at" - find alternatives such as studies, eyes, gazes, fixates
odd words/phrases such as "proclaim" "tears corner her eyes" "silence elopes" "Anne backs herself and cries"
unnecessary phrases such as "...gas mask put on his face" - we can assume it has been put on at some point since he is wearing it. Just tell us it's there. "Anne lowers her blanket, and sees nothing. Gasman's gone." - technically not true, she sees her room - we just need the info that the Gasman has vanished.
Too many "and" words in there - "He levitates over the bed, and an oxygen mask on his face" "He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask on his face" or use more evocative words for the scene - in this case, scary and tense. "He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask strapped to his face" - might give more of a sense of being trapped by the mask.
"and sees" - also unnecessary. "Slowly, she lowers her blanket, and sees the tall person standing in the room." also, make it more evocative - with horror you want to stir up the creepy and dread feeling in the reader - the same feeling you would get when watching. "Trepidly, she peers over the blanket. The figure stares back.
Some action blocks are very stop/start - like this one.
"Gasman takes a step forward. Anne backs herself and cries. He shakes his head. She tightens her lips and sobs. He comes near to her bed and kneels down. SHARP BREATHS from his mask valve are crystal clear."
reword or break it up.
I'm gonna stop now as I am just rambling - Each thing I mentioned is no big deal on its own, it's just when they are all consistently present throughout the script it compounds into a problem with the read.
Again - Just an amateur over here with no writing achievements to my name, so feel free to ignore all of this and chalk it up to the ramblings of a madman.
Read above again... ...I liked the story. I gave you a compliment!
I know Barry, you gave the story a compliment. And thank you that.
I only agreed with what you said. That's it.
Thanks again man.
Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Hi Yuvraj
First just want to say that I am not a horror genre fan - In horror, things seem to happen with no rhyme or reason (apart from the very best horror flicks) and I struggle to connect. So I am not best placed to comment really... that being said, I'm going to comment anyway since you seem to comment on a lot of peoples work.
Storywise I feel there are dots which I am struggling to connect - I get what is happening, but there are elements that could gel better.
I get the sense that the opening scenes in the bedrooms is some sort of nightmare, that she is actually in a hospital hooked up to machines and it is manifesting in her nightmares.
Then she wakes in the hospital, and sees the Gasman again - could be we are now in reality and she is hallucinating? she is dying and these are her final moments.
There's a great connection between what is happening to her (hooked up to breathing machines) and the boogie man that has manifested because of it (Gas Man reminded me of Paddy Considine's character in Dead Man's Shoes when he dresses in a gas mask to freak out the antagonists)
Other elements could be intertwined better I felt, such as the relevance of the stickmen drawings, and elaborating on the break down of the family (The argument, the drawing of them apart, the parents apart in the room all hint at a family torn apart - presumably by the grief and stress of having a terminally ill child), the gasman attacking the parents in the nightmare - but those elements seemed like a footnote and didn't play into the main plot line
Or... I could be talking nonsense lol I don't seem to know anymore.
Still, storywise this is neat and if those dots can be connected in a satisfying way would make a great short film.
Writing-wise there's no one major thing that affects the read, but rather a few little things that added together really affect the flow and enjoyment. odd sentences and word choices that can be reworked. "Slowly walks" - hit up a thesaurus - "creeps, ambles, tip-toes" There are "basic" words and phrases that can be swapped with something that adds more (such as "walks" above), another example is "looks at" - find alternatives such as studies, eyes, gazes, fixates
odd words/phrases such as "proclaim" "tears corner her eyes" "silence elopes" "Anne backs herself and cries"
unnecessary phrases such as "...gas mask put on his face" - we can assume it has been put on at some point since he is wearing it. Just tell us it's there. "Anne lowers her blanket, and sees nothing. Gasman's gone." - technically not true, she sees her room - we just need the info that the Gasman has vanished.
Too many "and" words in there - "He levitates over the bed, and an oxygen mask on his face" "He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask on his face" or use more evocative words for the scene - in this case, scary and tense. "He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask strapped to his face" - might give more of a sense of being trapped by the mask.
"and sees" - also unnecessary. "Slowly, she lowers her blanket, and sees the tall person standing in the room." also, make it more evocative - with horror you want to stir up the creepy and dread feeling in the reader - the same feeling you would get when watching. "Trepidly, she peers over the blanket. The figure stares back.
Some action blocks are very stop/start - like this one.
"Gasman takes a step forward. Anne backs herself and cries. He shakes his head. She tightens her lips and sobs. He comes near to her bed and kneels down. SHARP BREATHS from his mask valve are crystal clear."
reword or break it up.
I'm gonna stop now as I am just rambling - Each thing I mentioned is no big deal on its own, it's just when they are all consistently present throughout the script it compounds into a problem with the read.
Again - Just an amateur over here with no writing achievements to my name, so feel free to ignore all of this and chalk it up to the ramblings of a madman.
All the best to you
Thank you, Matt, for taking time to read and comment. Really appreciate it.
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Funny, Michael.
You need to improve that description though imho. Her eyes are sore is not a great description. She could have got shampoo in them. 
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