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Bee-El (currently 1814 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 10:48am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Bee-El by CJ Vecchio - Short, Horror - A young girl befriends something that's inside her closet. 8 pages Production: Concept Teaser Trailer - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - August 24th, 2020, 4:51pm | revised draft | | |
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eldave1 |
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 11:04am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Okay - scared me!
I'd change the lettering to something a little more gothic
Nice work |
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Reply: 1 - 39 |
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Fais85 |
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 11:22am |
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LocationIndia Posts190 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Nice and creepy little short. Nothing to add much except a few typos.
Pg. 4 Sabrina sits at her toy table, joined my three stuffed animals and the doll.
Perhaps it should be... joined *by*
Pg. 6 SABRINA YOU CAN’T DO THAT! THAT’S MY DOLL! BEE-EL GAVE HER TO ME! YOU BETTER GIVER HER BACK OUR ELSE!
You better *give* her back *or* else!
Good job CJ! Enjoyed the teaser as well. |
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Reply: 2 - 39 |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 11:29am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts779 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Nice little creep here, CJ!
Enjoyed the teaser as well.
Good luck for the production. Hope to see the short film(if it's been made) very soon.
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Reply: 3 - 39 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 11:33am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
A real nitty issue, but you don't have to repeat info that is in your header in your descriptions. For example:
Quoted Text EXT. SIDEWALK - MORNING
It’s a gorgeous sunny morning and zipping around on her hoverboard is SABRINA (9), cute as a button with blonde ponytails
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Don't need morning in the desciption. You already told us in the header.
Quoted Text INT. KITCHEN - LATER
A quaint apartment kitchen. Birds chirp outside the window
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Don't need kitchen in the description. You could also put apartment in the header. INT. APARTMENT/KITCHEN - DAY Quaint and tidy. Okay - this was pretty effing creepy. Nice job. |
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Reply: 4 - 39 |
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ChrisV |
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 2:05pm |
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Posts42 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Okay - scared me!
I'd change the lettering to something a little more gothic
Nice work |
Thanks, I always look forward to your feedback. The "Lettering"...I was going for a 9-year-old handwriting style since the real evil is Sabrina. |
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Reply: 5 - 39 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 2:12pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Thanks, I always look forward to your feedback. The "Lettering"...I was going for a 9-year-old handwriting style since the real evil is Sabrina.
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Makes sense. |
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Reply: 6 - 39 |
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ChrisV |
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 2:13pm |
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Posts42 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Nice and creepy little short. Nothing to add much except a few typos.
Pg. 4 Sabrina sits at her toy table, joined my three stuffed animals and the doll.
Perhaps it should be... joined *by*
Pg. 6 SABRINA YOU CAN’T DO THAT! THAT’S MY DOLL! BEE-EL GAVE HER TO ME! YOU BETTER GIVER HER BACK OUR ELSE!
You better *give* her back *or* else!
Good job CJ! Enjoyed the teaser as well. |
Thanks, Man! |
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Reply: 7 - 39 |
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LC |
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 6:12pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7582 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Chris, very nice. Nothing to add that others haven't, typo-format wise. Oh, I would go easy on all caps in dialogue. The exclamation points serve the tone imh, but that's a nitpick and personal preference. I balked a bit at the cleavage/arse line and then realised it's appropriate cause it's Bee-El's POV. The suspense is terrific. The little girl is nicely creepy. SPOILERS below: I did find the mother copping it in your denouement a bit anti-climactic but I guess you're doing a feature length with this and there'd be much more story in between? Your video teaser scared the crap out of me. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - August 23rd, 2020, 6:33pm | | |
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Reply: 8 - 39 |
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Geezis |
Posted: August 24th, 2020, 4:35pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Hi,
Well written and quite dark but I think that this approach to the horror genre has been done before, name times. Without any backstory it's difficult to understand why a nine year old would be so easily violent, vindictive and cruel. The end is very dark and sudden but again with more backstory we would get a better understanding of how and why we reached this point in your story. Your short video certainly teases a great evil presence and I think you have the bones of a really good story, it just needs fleshing out more. Very well done and good luck. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 9 - 39 |
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ChrisV |
Posted: August 24th, 2020, 5:20pm |
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Posts42 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Thanks...starting work on the Full Lenght Script. All your questions will be answered! |
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Reply: 10 - 39 |
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ChrisV |
Posted: August 24th, 2020, 5:21pm |
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New
Posts42 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
UPDATED VERSION ONLINE... using all the great feedback from you guys! XoXo |
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Reply: 11 - 39 |
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ChrisV |
Posted: March 1st, 2021, 6:52pm |
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Posts42 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
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Reply: 12 - 39 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: March 1st, 2021, 6:56pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
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Reply: 13 - 39 |
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Warren |
Posted: March 1st, 2021, 7:05pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Congrats. Just read the script, this was bound to get snapped up. I enjoyed it. |
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Reply: 14 - 39 |
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