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Jeremy's Date by Bryce Smink - Short, Horror - An attractive teenage boy, Jeremy, has a date tonight! But after getting to know him a bit, we find out that the date is going to be a whole lot more sinister. 5 pages - pdf format
Not bad for a five pager. I like the nod to Swiss Army Man. Although, I was not a fan of the film myself.
I don't get why you don't show the poster early on. We already know she's dead so the missing poster at the end is not a big reveal to the audience. What would be a big reveal is whether or not Jeremy killed her. Or did he just happen to find her body and not tell anyone?
Either way I enjoyed it, I just think it could use more of a punch at the end.
Fun short horror read. LC (previous commenter) called out the one misspelling (cologne) I saw.
** SPOILERS **
JEREMY No, she is a real... Breathing girl that I've know for quite awhile now.
Jeremy stating that she's "Breathing" ... this is different from what we eventually find out. I don't know if it is a big deal, but to me it seems like a continuity issue. I wonder if you could find a different way to describe her with out making it out that she's still alive. Maybe something like "No, she is a real ... drop-dead gorgeous girl..."
That was great. It seemed like a perfect example of showing the inner workings of a character through their behavior. As I was reading I was thinking,, wow he's got issues, I bet he's got a good story as to why he's like this. My mind was working double time while I was reading this, so great job! He is a rich character, plus his sweetness made me like him, another good thing.
With the Breathing comment in the dialogue, I understand it to be showing us how much denial he is in about her being dead.
I think the vagueness of the poster at the beginning works fine.
Good job, it needs to be picked up.
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
Gross... kissing a dead chick and most like'ly doing leg-over with her. But, the sickest of all, is that there are wacks that really do this! And you, Bryce, portrayed - wrote it very well. Well done.
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So, been chatting back and forth with the young writer of this script (still can't get over the fact that he's still in fucking high school)... and this script actually has been produced! Not only that, but the film will be screening at SXSW in March!
If I were a sophomore in high school and had my first short film produced and screened at SXSW, I'd feel like the fucking homecoming king. Super happy for this kid! Hopefully, when he finds some time in between homework and other high school shit, he'll start showing up on the boards soon. Bright future ahead for him.
Thanks for the feedback everyone! Glad you all liked the script. I would never in a million years think that anybody besides me would actually read it, let alone enjoy it apparently
I find all of your responses, notes, and feedback very inspiring and I'll definitely be posting more in the time to come. So yeah, glad to be here
Thanks for the feedback everyone! Glad you all liked the script. I would never in a million years think that anybody besides me would actually read it, let alone enjoy it apparently
I find all of your responses, notes, and feedback very inspiring and I'll definitely be posting more in the time to come. So yeah, glad to be here
Welcome, Bryce. And congrats on the short production.